What's Wrong with Being Right - Part II

After writing the previous column on this subject a couple of weeks ago, I had a few more thoughts that I’d like to expound on.

To put it simply, one of the biggest problems with believing you’re right is this: you might be wrong. Oh, we don’t think that’s possible, but it is. That’s why it’s best not to get too over-extended when expressing your opinion. In addition, there is a vast difference between “expressing” an opinion and “enforcing” it.

Let me give you an example. Over the years, there have been a couple of times when Keen and I had a big decision to make and I either kept my opinion to myself (which was my mistake), or I wasn’t consulted in the first place (which was Keen’s mistake). The times when I kept my opinion to myself happened as a result of my desire to be a “good wife.” I wanted to support Keen’s ideas and I didn’t want to dampen his enthusiasm by raining on his parade. But I have learned (the hard way, as usual) that there is nothing noble about keeping quiet when God gave you a brain to use and a heart to follow. Besides, your input may be the very thing needed to arrive at the best decision for everyone involved.

The problem with expressing our opinion arises when we aren’t content to simply share our point of view and leave it at that, but rather, we insist on driving the point home in an attempt to force the other person to adopt our point of view. That’s where we go too far. (Once again, I speak from experience.) So both extremes are a mistake – not expressing your opinion at all or cramming it down the recipient’s throat. Therefore, we must strive to find that happy medium.

This brings us back to the theory of individual freedom. In Dr. John Townsend’s book titled, “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons,” he writes:

“It makes sense [that] you care about the button-pusher and want things to go well between the two of you. Yet that person is free to choose his behavior toward you, his attitudes, and whether he even wants to be in a relationship with you. . . .
God understands this dilemma. He knows it conceptually, and He knows it in experience. God lives in it every day, caring about us and just wanting a relationship with us that is for our best; yet He gives us the freedom to say no to him, which we often do.”

Matthew chapter 23 verses 37 and 38 reads:

“. . . You who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.”

Dr. Townsend continues:

“God desires the connection profoundly, yet He does not violate the free will that He also created within us. He allows Himself to experience that sort of tension, not because it is good or pleasant for Him, but because freedom is the only way that we will ever have a relationship that comes from within – from the heart – and is not forced or controlled. That is the only sort of relationship He is interested in.”

**********

In my opinion, that should be the only type of relationship any of us should be interested in, because nobody likes being controlled. So it only makes sense that we should not attempt to control others – no matter how strongly we feel about a particular subject. We have to realize that while it is acceptable and important to express our opinions and share our input, it is not acceptable to become angry at the other person when they choose not to agree with or adopt our opinions. Conversely, neither is it acceptable for the other person to become angry at us for expressing our opinions in the first place. Personal freedom goes both ways.

Just think about it this way: God Himself doesn’t always get His way. He sent Jesus to die for our sins so that all of His children could spend eternity with Him in Heaven, but He will not force anyone to accept that free gift of salvation. That decision can only be made by each individual upon the exercise of their own free will.

“The Lord does not delay and is not tardy or slow about what He promises, according to some people's conception of slowness, but He is long-suffering (extraordinarily patient) toward you, not desiring that any should perish, but that all should turn to repentance.”

~ II Peter 3:9 (Amplified)

To All the Good Men

Here are a few reflective poems in honor of all the good husbands, brothers, sons, uncles, fathers, and grandfathers in our lives.

An Unconditional Love
By Connie Hinnen Cook

His dear wife now had Alzheimers,
her mind in a bad way;
He placed her in a care home, but
he saw her every day.

He brought her favorite roses
and a Persian cat to touch;
He'd sing to her and brush her hair,
"I love you ~ oh, so much!"

Sometimes he'd read her stories
or explain things on TV,
He longed to hear her call his name
but knew it couldn't be.

One day a patient watched them ~
how he'd gently hold her hand,
The patient, filled with wonderment, said
"I don't understand...

"She doesn't even know you, sir,
you might as well be dead!"
"I guess that's true," he answered,
"Ah, but I know her," he said.

-Connie-

"Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never ends..."

~ Corinthians 13:7

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A Prayin' Man
by Connie Hinnen Cook

As I walked softly in the room
his head was bowed down low,
His hands lay idly in his lap,
his breathing calm and slow.

I thought that he was sleeping
till he opened up his eyes,
He made me want to kiss him
when he said, to my surprise...

"Have I told you that I love you?
I was telling God right now,
Oh, I know He knows already
but I told Him anyhow...

"We both think you're something special
and I know that He'd agree
Nothing bad should ever touch you,
not if it were up to me!"

Prickly goose bumps start to tingle,
icy chills run up my spine,
And sometimes I have to pinch myself:
this prayin' man is mine!

And just before we start our meals
he always says a prayer,
For God to bless the food we eat
and keep us in His care.

I love it when he reaches out
and puts his hand in mine,
And speaking low, he thanks the Lord
when we go out to dine.

He asks the Lord's protection
when we're traveling in the car,
For angels to ride with us
if we're going very far.

I picture one above us,
on the sides, the front, behind,
Our housetop angel waves goodbye,
(but only in my mind).

Girls, you can keep the latest hunk,
I'm not a beef-cake fan,
Stud muffins leave me unimpressed,
give me a prayin' man!

He owns my heart forever
'cause there's nothing stronger than
Words of power, words of blessing
coming from a prayin' man.

~Connie~

"The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

~ James 5:16 KJV

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Half Long Enough
By Eileen Umbehr

How long has it been?
I asked him that day
Since your precious wife
Sadly passed away

It will be two years
Come May 7th
Since the good Lord
Took her to Heaven

I’m so sorry for your loss
Are you doing all right?
I miss her very much
And I still cry every night

Although I was blessed
To share those fifty years
It wasn’t half long enough
For someone so dear

She was the center of my life
And she was the glue
That held our family together
No matter what we went through

I always thought I would go first
And I told her to remarry
But now she’s been taken
And I’m the one to tarry

I’m left alone with my memories
But I’m thankful for our love
And the life we shared together
Though not half long enough

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Husband, Father, Son
By Eileen Umbehr

I still remember, the sound of the sirens
On that winter night so long ago
But I never imagined the person in need
Would be someone that we did know

It was our cousin, his name was Jack
The night was New Year’s Eve
He was just about ready to call it a day
When he cut down one more tree

A freak accident ended his life that night
When he was only thirty-five
He left behind a wife and a five-month-old son
Wondering how they’d survive

Jack was such a hard worker, holding down two jobs
He never left a project undone
But the most important roles he played in his life
Were husband, father and son

Jack had made plans, to take his young son
To the K-State basketball games
In fact, his son’s initials are KSU
Kelby Shawn Umbehr is his name.

Now Kelby is a senior, soon to graduate
He’s bright and handsome, just like his dad
I know Jack would be, so very proud
Of the fine young man that he and Barb had

Jack has been missed – as cousin, brother and friend
And by countless other loved ones
But none miss him more, than those who knew him as
Husband, father and son.


Written December, 2003
Note: Kelby just graduated magna cum laude from Wichita State University

What's Wrong With Being Right?

Our wedding party - June 10, 1978

“But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged . . .”

~ II Timothy 2:23-24 (NASB)

I recently heard Naomi Judd say that the only real mistake is the one you don’t learn from. As Keen and I approach our 30th wedding anniversary and I near my 50th birthday, I’ve been reflecting on one of the most valuable lessons I have learned – and am still learning – in my lifetime.

Put simply, I have found that there is one thing that causes more problems in meaningful relationships than any other factor; that is, the belief that you are right. What’s wrong with that? Well, nothing I suppose. But most of us aren’t content to keep our opinions to ourselves. When we become convinced that our point of view is the correct one, then we think it’s our right and our duty to impose that view on everyone around us. Therein lies the problem.

“If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.”

~ John Stuart Mill

Let’s take smoking for example. Everyone knows that it’s bad for your health. Or that eating the wrong kind of food is bad for your arteries. And yes, we could all stand to weigh a little less and exercise more. But poking people in the eye over and over about their shortcomings does nothing but cause hard feelings and alienation. They are aware of the information about the warnings and dangers of certain behaviors; they don’t need anyone to rub their nose in it.

“But keep away from foolish disagreements. Don't argue about family histories. Don't make trouble. Don't fight about what the law teaches. Don't argue about things like that. It doesn't do any good. It doesn't help anyone.”
~ Titus 3:9 (NIRV)

Remember, God even allowed Adam and Eve to exercise their free will and make their own decisions, and He certainly knew what was best for them. We are all on a journey, and life is a process of successes and failures, so be gentle with others – and yourself.

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."

~ Arnold H. Glasgow

We need to learn to love and accept people for who they are, not for whom we want them to be. When love is conditioned upon the other person doing exactly what we want or seeing things exactly the way we see them, it’s not really love at all.

The truth of the matter is that most of us have our own set of problems and hang-ups that we could be working on. But it’s just so much more enjoyable to criticize others or point out their faults than to work on our own.

“And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother's eye.”

~ Luke 6:41,42 (NKJV)

To me, one of the most interesting chapters in the Bible is Romans 14. Back in Jesus’ time, there was a controversy about whether it was right to eat meat offered to idols. Some folks saw it as sinful, while others reasoned that since idols weren’t real, it wasn’t a problem. Verse 3 in the Amplified version reads:

“Let not him who eats look down on or despise him who abstains, and let not him who abstains criticize and pass judgment on him who eats; for God has accepted and welcomed him.”

It goes on to discuss the subject of setting aside a special day to honor the Lord:

“One man esteems one day as better than another, while another man esteems all days alike [sacred]. Let everyone be fully convinced (satisfied) in his own mind . . . Why do you criticize and pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you look down upon or despise your brother?”

This chapter indicates that what is acceptable for one person may be wrong for someone else, and vice-versa. It’s not cut and dried or black and white, even though it would be a lot easier if it were. We can’t adopt other people’s values, and we can’t expect other people to adopt ours. The bottom line is that each of us has to follow our own conscience. That’s why I believe it’s a mistake to force our position on others – or to judge them for their position. In verse 22 it says:

“Your personal convictions on such matters--exercise them as in God's presence, keeping them to yourself striving only to know the truth and obey His will.”

We are all unique individuals in the family of God, and as such, we will see things differently – which, in turn, determines our actions. Love allows for those differences. In reality, the only change we have any control over is change within ourselves. When we spend our time trying to change others, there’s a very good chance we’re not devoting any time to improving ourselves.

So the next time you want to pick a fight with your husband, wife, parent or sibling, take it from one who has made her share of mistakes and remember:

“The mouth of a good person is a deep, life-giving well . . . Hatred starts fights, but love pulls a quilt over the bickering.”

~ Proverbs 10:11-12 (The Message Bible)

Your family members will thank you, and you’ll be happier and more peaceful, too.

God bless ~

Eileen

Celebrating our 25th anniversary at Josh and Lisa's wedding in 2003

Keen Takes Flight

“Many are the plans in a man’s mind, but it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand.” ~ Proverbs 16:9

It’s Monday morning following one of those magical moments that we all get to experience every now and then.

Last Saturday, our son Keen II earned a Bachelor of Science degree from Kansas State University with dual majors in psychology and sociology. It was a picture perfect day, in more ways than one. Keen’s mom, sister, niece and great-niece came from Texas to join the celebration, and our daughter-in-law Lisa drove all the way from Wichita with two little ones to be a part of Keener’s special day. (Josh would have been there but he couldn’t get off work.)

Before the ceremony, Keen and I just happened to run into Keen II in the hallway. He was the last person in line waiting to march into the Coliseum. Seeing him standing there in his cap and gown with such a look of pride and anticipation on his face was a moment to remember.

Although Keen’s name was misspelled on the card the announcer reads (Kenn instead of Keen), he had time to whisper the correct pronunciation just before he walked across the stage, so his name was announced exactly right, followed by our round of cheers.


After the ceremony, we enjoyed a breakfast buffet at the Clarion Hotel in Manhattan. They did such a nice job decorating the tables with white table cloths and purple napkins. The food was delicious, too. Keen Sr. shared a few thoughts that he had prepared over the past week. He was going to read them, but decided he would just speak from his heart. It was very moving and emotional for everyone. Then we played the DVD I made with pictures of Keener growing up put to the music of Mark Harris’ song, “Find Your Wings.” (If you’d like to view it, you can go to www.keentakesflight.blogspot.com.)

As I was pouring through photo albums looking for pictures to use in the DVD, I noticed that several pictures from Keen’s youth depicted him “taking flight” in various ways. There’s the picture of Keen jumping off the diving board at the Alma pool a few days before his 5th birthday (not the low dive, but the high dive). Then there’s one of Keen jumping off the rope swing at Low Water Bridge when he about seven. As an adult, Keen took sky diving lessons and jumped out of an airplane – more than once – without ever telling us until after it was over. So the song by Mark Harris and the theme, “Keen Takes Flight” just seemed to fit for our “high flying” and adventurous third-born son.

One of the highlights of the day last Saturday was meeting Keen’s new girlfriend, Tiffany. We had heard a lot about her – she grew up in Wichita, graduated from Wichita State University, and lives and works in Shawnee, Kansas – but it was so nice to have the chance to meet her in person. Tiffany and Keen met when they were attendants at the wedding of some mutual friends.

Tiffany is a strikingly beautiful young woman, but her beauty is not limited to the external. She is smart, ambitious, confident, articulate, accomplished, and, well, most importantly, she cares about our son. Tiffany said the thing that most attracted her to Keen was his sense of humor. I’ve always appreciated that quality in Keen Sr., too. As it says in Proverbs, “laughter does good like a medicine.”


Keen and Tiffany joined us back in Alma that afternoon for a “country-fied” celebration. Keen’s mom helped make a batch of the Umbehr family’s famous barbecue sauce for the pork ribs and chicken dinner. It was a beautiful day to just sit on the patio and enjoy the breeze and good conversation. In the evening, everyone enjoyed a bonfire and smores under the light of a full moon. (I forgot to buy graham crackers, so they made smores with one less key ingredient.) It was a wonderful day filled with memories that we will cherish for a lifetime.

As we watch our children grow from children to young adults and beyond, there are so many milestones to celebrate. But as Keen’s mom, I have to say that this one was the most significant – not because of the event we were celebrating, but because I can honestly say that I have never seen our son look so happy . . . so content . . . so complete.

“And now . . . I commit you to God, I deposit you in His charge, entrusting you to His protection and care.”

~ Acts 20:32a (Amplified)

Taming the Tongue

“All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?”

~ James 3:7-11 (NIV)

After writing the column titled “A Better Way,” I received an email from a dear friend of mine named Jack whom I would describe as a man after God’s own heart. So when Jack shared his own struggles with keeping his words in check, it really touched my heart.

“There are those who speak rashly like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” ~ Proverbs 12:18

I’d like to share a portion of Jack’s encouraging email:

“Every night I read as one of my little prayers before going to bed, ‘Guard my tongue, O God, from silly, useless chatter, from words that would confuse or disillusion. Instead, Lord, cause my mouth to speak soothing, uplifting and healing words; words of praise and encouragement and words of love. Amen.’

I depend upon this as one of my prayers which I need continuously with three kids, seven grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren . . . because I find times when I am not pleased with what they do or say, not to mention my friends in my church and neighbors in my condominium which has 99 units. I am trying to think before opening my mouth to avoid saying things I would be sorry for later . . . .”

In my reply, I told Jack that it helped me to learn that even positive, kind-hearted people have to work hard and pray hard to keep from saying something they will regret or acting in a way that doesn’t build up the people in his or her life.

“There are two ways of exerting one’s strength; one is pushing down and the other is pulling up.”

~ Booker T. Washington, educator, author, civil rights leader
(1856-1915)

For a short while I was in the habit of praying Psalm 141:3 every morning: “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips,” and, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord.” (Ps. 19:14) I think I need to get back to that.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath…” ~ James 1:19

But all too often I fail to remember how much trouble my mouth can get me in and I neglect to pray for God’s help to control my tongue. As a result, I have a “knee-jerk” reaction to stressful situations and end up with a severe case of “foot-in-mouth disease.”

“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart . . .”

~ Ecclesiastes 5:2a

It’s like that one prayer that goes: “Dear Lord, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t cussed, gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, selfish, or overindulgent. But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot more help.”

My friend Mae shared a great quote recently from H. Fred Ale who said: “My green thumb came only as a result of the mistakes I made while learning to see things from the plant’s point of view.” I think we would all benefit from trying to see things from others’ points of view more often. For example, rather than just seeing the overgrown lawn at our house in Manhattan, I could have taken into consideration the fact that both of our sons are full-time college students making good grades and holding down jobs while doing their own cooking, cleaning and laundry. But all I saw at that moment was the length of the grass. And truth be told, the main reason I was so angry was because of how it made us look. Silly pride.

Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t guide or correct your children. But if we want our kids to hear and receive our instruction, then we have to deliver it in a way that doesn’t get clouded by our anger or the pitch of our voice. My whole life I have followed the wrong pattern of expressing my anger. Somehow I’ve had the mistaken notion that if I don’t scream at the top of my lungs then the recipient won’t realize how serious I am – and I really want them to know that I mean business! But people young and old have a tendency to shut down when someone is yelling at them. A wall goes up in an effort to protect them from the verbal assault.

So even though you may be right in what you’re trying to say, a message delivered with unbridled anger puts you back in the wrong. As the saying goes: You may have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give you the right to be cruel.

Oh what a fire one tiny spark can ignite. Lord, help me remember that it is much easier to “prevent forest fires” than to put them out once they’ve already started.

“We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” ~ James 3:2-5

A Mother's Work

“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” ~ Washington Irving

They say a mother’s work is never done. As I watch our two daughters-in-law care for our grandchildren, I am reminded of how true that statement really is. Erin, who works as an RN and meets the demands of three young children while Jared is in Iraq with the Navy . . .

. . . and Lisa, who also works as an RN while nursing a baby and caring for a busy two-year-old with special needs, while Josh is at work more than he’s home as a first-year resident.

And so, in honor of Erin, Lisa, and all the busy moms out there who deserve the greatest praise and appreciation for all that they do for their families, I’d like to share the following prose titled, “I Didn’t Do It.” Happy Mother’s Day!

“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”

~ Proverbs 31:28

I Didn’t Do It

Author Unknown

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside playing, still in their pajamas, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that perhaps something serious had happened.

But there she was, lounging in the bedroom, still curled up in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked him how his day went.

Bewildered, he looked at her and replied, "What happened here today?"

She smiled once again and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," he replied quizzically.

"Well, today I didn't do it."

A Better Way

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

~ Galatians 5:22,23

Well, it’s 11:30 p.m. on Sunday evening and I am not feeling very proud of the way I acted today. Our day started out fine; Keen and I went for a 3 mile walk in the morning, followed by several hours spent in the yard planting our garden and seventeen trees. Then we decided to go to Manhattan for a movie. So far so good. Afterwards we stopped by the house where our two youngest sons live. After taking one look at the length of the grass in the front yard, I stormed inside to give Kirk a piece of my mind. It was one of those times when I spoke first and thought later. Did I need to say something to him about the situation? Yes. But did I need to get so angry and make him feel one inch tall in the process? No. To make matters worse, I got mad at Keen for not joining me in the butt chewing. (He’s always been more of a softy when it comes to the kids, which I guess balanced out my “rule with an iron fist” parenting style.) At any rate, our otherwise nice weekend ended on a sour note and left me in tears. But Keen and I worked things out, and I’ll apologize to Kirk.

“As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

~ Colossians 3:12

As for coming up with a column for this week, I wasn’t feeling too inspired after the way I acted. But then I came across this story about Billy Graham and it seemed very fitting. I just thank God that His mercies are new every morning - and tomorrow is a brand new day.

“Not that I have now attained [this ideal] or am already made perfect . . . but one thing I do – it is my one aspiration; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.”

~ Philippians 3:12-14

Nestle, Don’t Wrestle

Author Unknown

The title of Billy Graham’s autobiography, "Just as I Am," says it all. His life goes before him speaking as eloquently as that charming southern drawl for which he is known.

If, when I am eighty years old, my autobiography were to be titled "Just as I Am," I wonder how I would live now? Do I have the courage to be me? I'll never be a Billy Graham, the elegant man who draws people to the Lord through a simple one-point message, but I hope to be a person who is real and compassionate and who might draw people to nestle within God's embrace. Any one of us can do that. We may never win any great awards or be named best dressed, most beautiful, most popular, or most revered, but each of us has an arm with which to hold another person, each of us can pull another shoulder under ours, and each of us can invite someone in need to nestle next to our heart. We can give a pat on the back, a simple compliment, a kiss on the cheek, a thumbs-up sign, We can smile at a stranger, say hello when it's least expected, send a card of congratulations, take flowers to a sick neighbor, make a casserole for a new mother, give a high five, say "I love you" in language our teenagers will understand, or back off even when you have a right to take the offensive.

Do you make it a point to speak to a visitor or person who shows up alone at church, buy a hamburger for a homeless man, call your mother on Sunday afternoons, pick daisies with a little girl, or take a fatherless boy to a baseball game?

When Billy Graham was asked about his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he replied, "Ruth and I are happily incompatible." How unexpected. We would all live more comfortably with everybody around us if we would find the strength in being grateful and “happily incompatible.”

Did anyone ever tell you how beautiful you look when you're looking for what's beautiful in someone else? Let's take the things that set us apart, that make us different, that cause us to disagree, and make them an occasion to compliment each other and be thankful for each other. Let us be big enough to be smaller than our neighbor, spouse, friends, children, and strangers. Every day, remember: nestle, don't wrestle.

“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.” ~ I Peter 3:8

Broken Places

“This is what the Lord says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.” ~ II Kings 20:5

Last night I watched a show about a woman who survived a brutal rape after being strangled and left for dead. She had this advice for other victims:

"The anger and bitterness will come and you have to feel that to heal from it. But just don't let it destroy your life."

I thought that was a very balanced way of looking at it. On one hand, you can't run from that pain. It's like you have to embrace it before you can move past it. As I’ve shared before, pretending about anything doesn't take you anywhere but to another pretend place. On the other hand, you can't let feelings of anger and bitterness absorb you, or they will ultimately drain you of all joy and keep you from living your life fully.

At the end of the show, the woman quoted Ernest Hemingway when he said:

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are stronger at the broken places."

This morning I received a column, Dispatches from Kansas, by my friend Tom Parker. I wrote a blurb for the back on Tom’s book by the same title. Tom writes about nature, bird watching, and life. If you think I’m open about the things I share, you should read some of Tom’s work. He is gutsy and real in his writings.


After reading Tom’s latest column about a recent trip to Colorado for a wedding and a visit with his now grown sons and their families, I decided to ask his permission to share a portion of it, and he obliged me. The entire column can be found on Tom’s blog at: http://dispatchesfromkansas.blogspot.com.

This is an excerpt:

“On the way [to Colorado], Lori told a friend who was catching a ride with us of the time when our younger son, Benjamin, tried to kill me. I was logy from lack of sleep and wearily focusing on driving and the passing scenery, and surprised, too, when she inched further into the sad tale with details I had tried to forget. It was not a story she shares willingly and yet here she was enumerating the methodical dismemberment of our home and the sundering instant when I opened the garage door and felt the rifle butt slam into my face.”

After spending time with both of his sons, Tom reflected on their visit:

“For the first time in many years I could look at Benjamin and not feel repulsed. Among his many tattoos was a new one in memory of his grandfather and namesake. He showed it to me and I did not flinch . . . There were only the memories sloughing off, and something like forgiveness and the willingness to once again become vulnerable.”

*********

Maybe you or I have never endured or survived anything as traumatic as this, but most of us can relate to the emotions expressed and the insights gained. That’s the thing about writers; they share what most people feel but would never dare say. I appreciate Tom’s honesty and thank him for allowing me to share it with all of you.

“Things I would not tell anyone, I tell the public.”

~ Michel de Montaigne

A Change for the Better

Yellow Lily by Patricia Kohls Barrett

“The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power . . . and you will be changed into a different person.”~ I Samuel 10:6

The changing seasons are a gentle reminder that change can be a good thing to be embraced. As a continuation of the theme from last week’s column, I’d like to share a poem written by my friend Pat Barrett titled: “Commitment to Change.”

Commitment to Change

By Patricia Kohls Barrett, 3/31/08
The road to change is not straight
It’s rocky with valleys and hills
The path demands focus on goals
To develop desirable skills

I am committed to proceed
I will persevere and move forward
When I trip on a rock and fall
I will get up and progress onward

Commitment demands persistence
To only “try” merely means to “fail”
When one “tries” they plan to quit
When there’s a bad bump in the trail

I will use each bump as a launching pad
As I forge ahead breaking new ground
Shaping my own personal course
From what seemed an impossible mound

Each step is a bit of transformation
Change must be slow and deliberate to last
A step back is only temporary
To boost to a level unsurpassed

Onward and upward I proceed
To become what I intend to be
I’ll turn obstacles into schools of learning
As I press on to become a new me

“He makes all things beautiful in His time.”

~ Ecclesiastes 3:11

There is a saying that goes: “If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies.” That reminds me of a placard I have on top of my computer that depicts two green caterpillars perched on a tree branch. There’s also a Bible verse from Psalm 138:8 – “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.” One of the caterpillars is looking up at a brightly colored butterfly floating through the skies above. The caterpillar comments to his friend: “You’ll never catch me going up in one of those things!”

Columnist Mary Beth Danielson once said: "If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again." There’s a lot of truth in that statement. Hanging on to our preconceived notions about who we are and what our life was “supposed” to be, only keeps us cemented and stuck in our current position. Just like the caterpillar, we have to let go in order to be free to fly to higher heights than we ever imagined possible.

“Now to Him Who . . . is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]-- To Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen.”

~ Ephesians 3:20,21 (AMP)

Change: The Pain and the Power

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I believe that God has a good plan for all of our lives – a plan that gives us “hope and a future.” But sometimes we’re too afraid to take the risks or face the fear that goes along with change. (Believe me, I’m preaching to myself right now, too.) Yes, familiarity is nice – and comfortable, but sometimes we reach a crossroad in life, and if we have the courage to take the road to change, it can lead to new and exciting adventures that make our former experiences seem dull and boring.

“We do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable.”

~ Aleksandr Isaevich Solzhenitsyn, Russian novelist, historian (b. 1918)

In Robert McGee’s book titled “The Search for Significance,” he writes:

“[N]othing forces us to remain in the mold of the past. By the grace and power of God, we can change! We can persevere and overcome! No one forces us to keep shifting our feet in the muck of old failures. We can dare to accept the challenge of building a new life.

Dr. Paul Tournier once compared life to a man hanging from a trapeze. The trapeze bar was the man’s security, his pattern of existence, his lifestyle. Then God swung another trapeze into the man’s view, and he faced a perplexing dilemma. Should he relinquish his past? Should he reach for the new bar? The moment of truth came, Dr. Tournier explained, when the man realized that to grab the new bar, he must release the old one.

Our past relationships may involve the intense pain of neglect, abuse, and manipulation, but if we do not begin the process of healing, we will be unable to experience the joy, challenge, and yes, the potential for failure in the present.

We need to be honest about the pain, the anger, the disappointment, and the loneliness of our past. We need to put ourselves in relationships that will encourage us to feel what we may have suppressed for many years. This will enable us to begin . . . to experience hope and, eventually, healing. Change is possible, but it is a process. Does this seem strange? Does it seem difficult? We may have difficulty relinquishing what is familiar (though painful) for what is unfamiliar because our fear of the unknown often seems stronger than the pain of a poor self-concept. It seems right to hang on. Proverbs 16:25 says, ‘There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.’ Any change in our behavior requires a release from our old self-concept, which is often founded in failure and the expectations of others. We need to learn how to relate to ourselves in a new way. To accomplish this, we must begin to base our self-worth on God’s opinion of us and trust [Him] to accomplish change in our lives.”

“It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old way, but it’s that place in between that we fear . . . It’s Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There’s nothing to hold on to.”

~ Marilyn Ferguson, author and public speaker

I’d like to close with a poem my sister Mary wrote two years ago which vividly describes the pain and fear associated with change. As some of you may recall, Mary went through a tumultuous marriage and divorce several years ago; she knows firsthand how difficult change can be.

“Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.”

~ Sydney Harris, journalist, Chicago Daily News & Chicago Sun-Times

Change
By Mary Van Kirk

Dark eyes watching
What is out there?
Who is out there?
I want to know.
Or maybe I don’t.

Change is painful
But it won’t kill you
So why is it so hard to do?
I don’t like pain.
I want change.
But don’t always want things to change.
What am I afraid of?
The unknown.

Dark eyes watching.


“Do not [earnestly] remember the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it, and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
~ Isaiah 43:18,19

On Any Given Day

Mississippi sky

“Now also we would not have you ignorant, brethren, about those who fall asleep [in death], that you may not grieve [for them], as the rest do who have no hope [beyond the grave].

For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will also bring with Him through Jesus those who have fallen asleep [in death].”

~ I Thessalonians 4:13,14

The column I wrote last week titled “Life after Death,” referred to the life on earth lived out by those who have been left behind after the death of someone they love. As I pondered what to write about today, I started thinking about how, on any given day, someone is going through that painful experience. So I jotted down these words:

On any given day
From life to death someone does cross
On any given day
Someone somewhere feels great loss

This next poem on the subject of life after death as it relates to the hereafter, was written by Connie Hinnen Cook and is being shared with the permission of her widower, Guy Cook.

Last Chance to Weep
By Connie Hinnen Cook

A year has passed and still you grieve,
The tears flow down your face;
You miss her voice, you miss her laugh,
No one can take her place.
But when you think of where she is,
In Heaven's land so fair;
You know you're weeping for yourself,
'Cause there's no weeping there.

Her closest friend is Jesus
And He takes her by the hand,
He talks with her for hours
As they walk in Heaven's land.
There's light once more within her eyes,
Her smile is always near;
So cry your tears while you're down there,
'Cause there's no crying here.
Here is where she's happiest,
Here's where she belongs;
She's praising God with every breath
And joining in the songs.
A joyful glow is on her face
And wonder fills her eyes;
So let your tears flow if you must,
'Cause here, nobody cries.

She has a mansion that is grand,
And friends that she can't number;
Eternal celebrating
In this land where there's no slumber.
She shines brighter than the stars,
And angels seek her face;
So grieve and miss her while you may,
There's no grief in this place.
If she could speak to you once more,
One thought she would repeat:
That now, her happiness is full,
That now, her joy's complete;
That Christ will be returning soon
And all creation waits,
He'll wipe the tears from every eye
Just inside Heaven's gates.

One day you'll be together, Yes!
And that day, time cannot sever;
There'll be no death or parting then
In that Blessed Forever.
You'll see her anytime you wish,
What joy your hearts will reap!
So cry your eyes out while on earth,
It's your last chance to weep.

--Connie

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;
and there shall be no more death,
neither sorrow, nor crying,
neither shall there be any more pain:
for the former things are passed away."

~ Revelation 21:4 (KJV)

Life After Death

A friend of a friend recently lost her husband. The grief seems insurmountable. “I know everyone is worried about me,” she wrote. “They always ask if I’m feeling better. It’s hard for them to understand that as long as I live I will never feel better. I have lost so much.”

Writer, editor and best-selling author Dave Eggers lost both of his parents to cancer when he was just twenty-one years old. He later dropped out of college to become the legal guardian of his 8-year-old brother. Eggers would eventually write a memoir about his parents’ death and the impact it had on his life. The book is titled, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.

"On the one hand you are so completely bewildered that something so surreal and incomprehensible could happen. At the same time, suddenly the limitations or hesitations that you might have imposed on yourself fall away. There's a weird, optimistic recklessness . . . . You see that there is a beginning and an end and that you have only a certain amount of time to act. And you want to get started." (The Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Kellor, March 12, 2008)

Life after the death of a loved one can be, and is, so very difficult. Much like walking with lead weights strapped to your ankles. Everyday activities that were effortless before, now seem so difficult. Every day becomes another mountain to climb. All the while, you feel so alone. People sympathize, but they don’t really understand – can’t really understand. The funeral is over; sympathy cards are reduced to a trickle. Phone calls become less frequent. Friends and family return to their lives, as they must. But how do those left behind return to their lives.

There is life after death, but it will take time. Don’t rush it, and don’t let anyone tell you how you “should” feel. It is your process, not theirs. There are no rules.

The following poem was sent to me in an email. It was reportedly written by a woman who was killed in an automobile accident. Her co-workers discovered it in an email when they returned to the office after the funeral.

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Author Unknown

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.


"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

~ Isaiah 41:10

There But for the Grace of God

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.”

~ Acts 20:24

In a recent edition of The Prairie Post, there was a letter to the editor written by a woman whose son had gotten into some trouble. She expressed the deep hurt her family felt upon learning that some people in her community seemed to take pleasure in spreading the news of their unfortunate dilemma.

In the Gospel of Luke, Chapter 18, Jesus used a parable to talk about people who engaged in hypocrisy of the highest form – those who took pride in their own righteousness and looked down upon everyone else. Jesus said, “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee [religious person] and the other a tax collector [so-called sinner]. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.' But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.' I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." (Luke 18:9-14 – NIV)

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.”

~ Ephesians 2:8-9

Years ago, Keen and I learned some valuable lessons from an experience we went through as a family. Through that experience, we traded in our idea of having a “picture perfect family” with the more important goal of having a family that exemplifies a “picture-perfect picture” of God’s amazing grace. Now we humbly share our testimony of God’s faithfulness, grace, mercy and guidance. And the smiling faces looking back at you in our family picture are the faces of people who know they are not perfect, just forgiven.


“Forget your perfect offering and ring the bells that can still ring. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.”

~Leonard Cohen

No Such Thing
By Eileen Umbehr

I always used to think we had,
The perfect family,
But now I've come to realize
That there's really no such thing.

We did our best to raise our boys,
With values, morals and such,
We always tried to let them know
We loved them oh so much.

Then when our oldest came of age,
We thought he was doing okay,
But now he has a young wife
With a baby on the way.

But even though they seemed to get,
The cart before the horse,
I can think of many things
That could be much worse.

For we still have our son to love,
And now a daughter and baby brand new,
So there's no sense dwelling on the past,
With so much to look forward to!

Plus, we have learned so very much,
From this whole ordeal,
And we've been touched by the compassion of,
Those who know how we feel.

We've learned about the power,
Of forgiveness, faith and love,
And how we can make it through anything,
With help from God above.

So even though we may not have,
The perfect family,
It really doesn't matter,
Because there's really no such thing.

March 19, 1999

“Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law . . . For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.”

~ Galatians 2:16, 21 (NLT)

Every Life A Story: Alice Elizabeth Lucas

Alice Lucas was born, the oldest of four
On a farm west of Silver Lake
Her brothers were Richard, Wayne and Paul
Her parents, Harry and LaVerna May

One interesting note, ‘tis true, and I quote
Alice’s ancestors on her daddy’s side
Came to America from England
On the Mayflower they did arrive

Mama ran a hotel, where Alice and Richard would dwell
But the two never ventured upstairs
‘Twas not ‘til years later, their Mama found out
Someone told them the Boogie man lived up there!

Back in those days, Nehi pop was the craze
For them this treat was quite rare
So Richard would get strawberry and Alice would get grape
Then back and forth a taste they would share

When Nelson Wayne came along, he was healthy and strong
A bundle of joy to have and to hold
But that wasn’t the case with Mama’s helper, Miss Johnson
Whose hands and heart were both cold!

Everything was fine, until that moment in time
In ’33 when things all went downhill
What with the depression, the drought, heat and floods,
If it wasn’t the hogs it was the windmill.

In ’36 Paul arrived, through the flood he survived
And became a happy-go-lucky lad
Even though Richard teased, prodded and poked him
He just couldn’t make young Paul mad!

Sunday mornings were fun, the kids would all run
To jump in bed with Papa and Mama
They read Dick Tracy, Slim Jim and Orphan Annie
Enjoying the funny papers in their pajamas

Mama canned and dried, from the land they survived
When making ends meet was hard
Mama made sauerkraut and traded mending for squash
In the big open kettle Papa rendered lard.

But they also had treats, gingerbread they would eat
And devil’s food cake made from scratch
They raised watermelon, cantaloupe and Concord grapes
And picked strawberries from the garden patch

Now and then they’d get hurt, at play or at work
Like the time Alice fell down the stairs
Or when Wayne fell off his pony while riding
And the pony promptly stepped on Wayne’s ear!

But sometimes a disease, was much more than a sneeze
There was malaria, measles and pox
Then an epidemic of scarlet fever
And Richard and Alice both had whooping cough

Another problem they had, which sounded so bad
Were dust storms that made day look like night
And grasshoppers the kids had to chase away
To keep them from eating everything in sight

Most her life Alice worked, as a retail clerk
And she made the choice never to marry
She enjoys writing and painting ceramic dishes
In the garden she likes to tarry.

In fact, most of these tales, a lie I can’t tell,
Came from Alice’s handwritten life story
With the help of Richard’s daughter Nancy
She is preserving her family’s history

But her favorite pastime of all, is really a ball
Alice likes to plan virtual trips
With a map and some info from Triple A
She records journeys to places of interest.

So if you ever want to wander – over hill, dale or yonder
Just tell Alice where you want to go
Then she’ll create the vacation of a lifetime
And you’ll never have to leave your front porch!

Alice holding a copy of the story of her life

Note: Alice was born in 1926 on a farm west of Silver Lake, Kansas, located about 3/4 of a mile from the river. When she was 11 days old, they moved into a new house her father had built for the family. When she was four years old, their old home, which was used for storage, caught fire. Alice said that all the neighbors and "half of Silver Lake" showed up with buckets to help put the fire out.

Alice's mother helped her Aunt Martha run the hotel in Silver Lake. Martha's husband was named Will Sickles.

The Cost of Complaining

“And the people spoke against God and against Moses, Why have you brought us out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no bread, neither is there any water, and we loathe this light (contemptible, unsubstantial) manna.”

~ Numbers 21:5 (AMP)

Since I’ve been trying to keep my columns shorter, I didn’t have room to run all the quotes, verses, poems, and stories that I had saved on the topic of complaining. So I’ve decided to continue with that same theme this week.

"The attitude of unhappiness is not only painful, it is mean and ugly. What can be more base and unworthy than the pining, pulling, mumping mood, no matter by what outward ills it may have been engendered? What is more injurious to others? What less helpful as a way out of difficulty? It but fastens and perpetuates the trouble which occasioned it, and increases the total evil of the situation. At all costs, then, we ought to reduce the sway of that mood, we ought to scout it in ourselves and others, and never show it tolerance.”

~ William James, 19th century American psychiatrist and philosopher

“God is too good to me for me to ever utter a word of complaint to Him about anything.” ~Joyce Meyer

Choose Your Ruts
(sent to me via email)

A century ago, as the numerous wagon trains left Saint Joseph, Missouri, for the trek across the plains already rutted by the tracks of earlier wagons, the eager pioneers read this sobering message on a banner across the western end of the main street: "Choose your rut carefully. You may be in it all the way to California!"

“The Lord said to Moses, Why do you cry to Me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward!”

~ Exodus 14:15 (AMP)

Recently, my friend and fellow poet, Pat Barrett, sent me a copy of her latest poem, titled “Complain or Shine.” With Pat’s permission I would like to share it with you, along with a picture of Pat holding her new little great-grandson, Ian.


Complain or Shine?
By Patricia Kohls Barrett, 2/15/08

Do “everything without complaining”?
My flesh doesn’t like this command
What a challenge this is from my Lord
But what blessings when I obey this demand!

Don’t complain when the weather is nasty?
When someone is thoughtless and rude?
When the driver ahead acts brainless?
When I have to pay a “high” price for food?

My God asks me to be grateful and thankful
For the many blessings He provides
To look for the good instead of grumble
To praise Him as my life He guides

It is hard to complain while praising
They are opposites that conflict
Praise brings happiness and service
Complaints worry, distress, and afflict

The Spirit gives power to be positive
He reminds of grace and love undeserved
Gives insight and awareness of benefits
Reminds of a mansion for me that’s reserved

With focus on mercy without merit
On how Christ makes me blameless and pure
I can “shine like stars in the universe”
In a world that is dark and unsure

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.”

~ Philippians 2:14-15

Don't Complain - Count!

“And the people grumbled and deplored their hardships, which was evil in the ears of the Lord . . . [They] raised their voices and wept aloud. All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?”

~ Numbers 11:1a and 14:1-3b (NIV)

I must confess there has been more than one occasion when I have grumbled and complained to God (and Keen and others) about our lot in life. Like the Israelites of old who complained to Moses in the desert after God delivered them from their captivity in Egypt, I have often chosen to focus on what was wrong with my circumstances, rather than counting my blessings and focusing on all that I had to be thankful for.

Have you ever noticed that complaining and moaning is sort of like running in place? It takes a lot of energy, but it doesn’t really get you anywhere. Complaining, like worry, doesn’t change your situation one iota and only brings you down.

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”

~ Matthew 6:27 (NIV)

Time wasted complaining would be better spent counting your blessings, committing your problems into God’s hands, and moving forward.

“Jesus can turn water into wine, but He can't turn your whining into anything.”

~ Mark Steele

The following inspirational poem was sent to me in an email:

The World is Mine
Anonymous

Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman.
And wished I were as beautiful.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch.
But as she passed, she passed with a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two legs; the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy.
The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.
If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
"I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you.
You see," he said, "I am blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two eyes; the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child I knew.
He stood and watched the others play,
But he did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
"Why don't you join them dear?"
He looked ahead without a word.
I forgot, he could not hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have two ears; the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I go.
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I want to know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I've been blessed – indeed, the world is mine!

“Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”

~ I Thessalonians 5:18 (NLT)

There Will Be Scars

“If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have dwelt in the abode of silence. If I should say, "My foot has slipped," Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Thy consolations delight my soul.”

~ Psalm 94:17-19

Keen surprised me with a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day – six white and six red. I told him they represented how we are very different as individuals, but together we make a beautiful bouquet. Sounds kind of cheesy, I know – but it’s true.

This week I’d like to remember those for whom Valentine’s Day is not a time of celebration, but rather a painful reminder of their broken dreams. This column is dedicated to all the victims of divorce who daily struggle with feelings of abandonment and rejection as they strive to put the shattered pieces of their lives back together.

This first poem was written for my friend whose divorce recently became final.

There Will Be Scars
By Eileen Umbehr

I wish that I could tell you
Your grief will disappear
Or that the ache that’s in your heart
Will lessen through the years

But as much as I would like
To free you from this pain
I know that only God above
Can make you whole again

And even when your life moves on
To the inevitable next chapter
I’m sure that you will always yearn
For that happily-ever-after

Yet you are strong, and you’ve put your faith
In the One who made the stars
But nevertheless, the sad truth is
That there will be scars

But even Jesus Christ Himself
Bears scars from His death on the Cross
He understands more than anyone could
The pain of rejection and loss

So although the scars from this divorce
Will unfortunately always remain
My hope and prayer is that with God’s help
You will laugh and love again.

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

~ Lamentations 3:21-24

***************

This next segment is from a letter I recently wrote to my friend’s daughter:

Thank you for your nice note. It brought tears to my eyes. The poem was written for your mom, but then I realized it applied to you, too.

I saw an Oprah Show last week about adult children of divorce. Even thirty years later many of them were still hurting. The poem is my way of saying that we can't ignore the painful and unexpected experiences in our lives. We have to first acknowledge the pain – then try to deal with it and process it the best way we know how so that then we can move on to the healing stage of the process. I know your parents divorce has rocked your world, and I am so sorry for that. You are doing great, but just remember that the emotions you feel need to be embraced too. Don’t forget that you're not just a student, an athlete, a daughter, a friend; you’re a person. A person who has real feelings and real pain and real hurts; and there will be times throughout your life when those feelings will let you know that they need some time and attention, too. Embrace them. As much as it hurts, don't run from them. Because they are part of your reality – a part of your wonderful, exciting, adventurous, fun-filled LIFE. A life you have been blessed by God to live and enjoy. The not-so-fun parts such as this divorce may not be a large part of your history or your future, but it is a small part, and as such, you will have to be real with yourself when it hurts. Pretending – about anything – never takes us anywhere except to another pretend place.

So go out there and enjoy your life – and always remember that we are in your corner, cheering you on – loving you and feeling so proud to be a part of your life.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

~ Isaiah 40:28-31

The Power of Love

Keen & Eileen in Singapore, 1975

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” ~ I Corinthians 13:13

Last week my sister called to tell me about a radio show contest she heard about on K-LOVE Christian radio. Contestants were asked to share their love story in 500 words or less, and the winner would receive a song written just for them by Christian recording artist Matthew West.

The following is a copy of my (non-winning) entry:

I was 14 years old in 1973 when my father announced that our family would be moving half way around the world to Singapore. I was heartbroken. I had just made the cheerleading squad and I had a great group of friends that I didn’t want to leave. Little did I know that my temporary heartbreak would lead to a lifetime of love and blessings.

Singapore American School was where I met my one-in-a-million future husband, Keen. He was a freshman and I was a sophomore when we met in March of 1974. We dated all through the following year and then we found out that my family was moving back to the States. This meant that we would be apart for two full years. My mom told my sister, “If Eileen thinks that Keen is going to wait for her she’s in for a big disappointment.”

But wait he did. In fact, when he had to cast his vote for homecoming queen, he voted for me, even though I no longer attended SAS. We wrote letters back and forth (all of which we saved), until Keen graduated in 1977. He didn’t even attend the graduation ceremonies because he couldn’t wait to get back to the States to join me. We soon became engaged and were married in an outdoor wedding at my parents’ home on June 10, 1978. Eleven months later to the day we had our first son, Jared, followed by three more sons: Josh in 1981, Keen II in 1984 and Kirk Van in 1989.

In 1981, Keen was the successful bidder on the trash collection contract for our county. We owned that business, along with a car wash, until 1999 when we sold out so that Keen could return to college at the age of 40. Keen earned a four-year degree in three years, graduating with honors from Kansas State University. He then went on to law school and graduated from Washburn University School of Law in 2005. He has been in private practice ever since.

Our life has been full of many ups and downs. We were involved in a five-year long free speech lawsuit that ended up at the U.S. Supreme Court. I lost my mother to breast cancer, Keen lost his father to bladder cancer, and one of my sisters died unexpectedly at the age of 54. In 2005, our oldest son and his family lost everything in Katrina. In 2006, we had a granddaughter who was born with Down Syndrome, and I was diagnosed with an early stage of breast cancer, followed by a double mastectomy.

Maybe in some people’s eyes our story sounds more like a bad country song, but to me it is a story about the power of love. We have five grandchildren now, and I’ve just written my first book. By God’s grace and the love He has put in our hearts, we have weathered every storm and survived to embrace the rainbow.

“Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances and it endures everything. Love never fails."

I Corinthians 13:7,8a

Keen & Eileen at Colorado lodge, 2006

When Pain Hits Home

“I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” ~ Psalm 6:6

I read with deep sadness Joann Kahnt’s editorial last week about the many losses your community has suffered lately. Young lives – children, grandchildren, brothers, sisters – so full of promise, cut short long before their time. Neighboring communities have also experienced the tragic loss of those who were far too young to die. The Gideon and Short families have both lost young sons in the recent past. A family in Atchison lost their son in a traffic accident last month, and their other three children were severely injured. A pastor we know lost his sixteen year old son to suicide. There were no warning signs – no red flags signaling that trouble was stirring in his young heart. My sister recently told me about a family she knows who lost their three daughters in an automobile accident just two weeks before their son’s wedding. Shortly before their deaths, all three girls had posed for individual pictures wearing their mother’s wedding gown. Now their parents have only a memory of what their daughters would have looked like in their own wedding gowns.

How on earth does anyone cope with such grief?

As Joann pointed out, we may never understand why things like this happen. All we can do is pray for the ones left behind to grieve, and purpose to live each day that we have to the fullest in their honor.

Several years ago the Alta Vista community lost a 29-year-old young man in a terrible car accident. At that time, I expressed sympathy to his family in my column. I also shared I poem I had written in honor of the many young people the Alma community had lost over the years. Later, the mother of the 29-year-old man wrote me a note to thank me for my thoughts. Today, I would like to share that poem again in hopes of touching just one more heart. The other poem was written by the mother of a friend of ours, Gina Blake, who kindly granted me permission to share it with all of you.

In closing, I wish to extend my deepest sympathy to the Cunningham, Hopper and Smith families as they grieve the tragic loss of their loved ones.

“. . .I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. . . .”

~ Isaiah 38:5

****************

Too Soon Gone
By Eileen Umbehr

This is a tribute
to those who’ve passed on
Before their time
Too soon gone

No one was ready
To say good-bye
Because they were all
Too young to die

Anthony, Jason and Tracy, too
How will your families live without you?

Javier, Ted, Dickie and Veryl
Why did they have to leave this world?

Jack, Norman, Galen and John
Why are they too soon gone?

There is still a void
Where you used to be
An empty spot
On your family’s tree

But even though
You were too soon gone
In our hearts
Your memory lives on

You are not only missed
By those who loved you
But by those of us
In the community, too.

*******************

The Beauty of a Broken Heart
By Gina Blake

There are times in our life
We don’t understand
The what, the where, the why
Those are the times we will find ourselves
Gently wrapped …. in Jesus’ arms …..
As we cry

In his hand He holds a bottle
Catching every tear
Those are the times Our Savior…
Draws in so very near

As each tear falls
He counts them one by one…..
Not one tear can fall…
To the ground

For it is not…
The will of the Son
With each tear that falls in the bottle
The healing has begun.

For as it falls
Our Savior is knitting ever so gently
To mend the tear in our heart
And make it whole again.

“For You have been a stronghold to the poor, a stronghold to the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm, a shade from the heat . . . and the Lord will wipe away tears from off all faces. . . .”

~ Isaiah 25:4,8