Our wedding party - June 10, 1978“But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged . . .”
~ II Timothy 2:23-24 (NASB)
I recently heard Naomi Judd say that the only real mistake is the one you don’t learn from. As Keen and I approach our 30th wedding anniversary and I near my 50th birthday, I’ve been reflecting on one of the most valuable lessons I have learned – and am still learning – in my lifetime.
Put simply, I have found that there is one thing that causes more problems in meaningful relationships than any other factor; that is, the belief that you are right. What’s wrong with that? Well, nothing I suppose. But most of us aren’t content to keep our opinions to ourselves. When we become convinced that our point of view is the correct one, then we think it’s our right and our duty to impose that view on everyone around us. Therein lies the problem.
“If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.”
~ John Stuart Mill
Let’s take smoking for example. Everyone knows that it’s bad for your health. Or that eating the wrong kind of food is bad for your arteries. And yes, we could all stand to weigh a little less and exercise more. But poking people in the eye over and over about their shortcomings does nothing but cause hard feelings and alienation. They are aware of the information about the warnings and dangers of certain behaviors; they don’t need anyone to rub their nose in it.
“But keep away from foolish disagreements. Don't argue about family histories. Don't make trouble. Don't fight about what the law teaches. Don't argue about things like that. It doesn't do any good. It doesn't help anyone.”
~ Titus 3:9 (NIRV)
Remember, God even allowed Adam and Eve to exercise their free will and make their own decisions, and He certainly knew what was best for them. We are all on a journey, and life is a process of successes and failures, so be gentle with others – and yourself.
"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."
~ Arnold H. Glasgow
We need to learn to love and accept people for who they are, not for whom we want them to be. When love is conditioned upon the other person doing exactly what we want or seeing things exactly the way we see them, it’s not really love at all.
The truth of the matter is that most of us have our own set of problems and hang-ups that we could be working on. But it’s just so much more enjoyable to criticize others or point out their faults than to work on our own.
“And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother's eye.”
~ Luke 6:41,42 (NKJV)
To me, one of the most interesting chapters in the Bible is Romans 14. Back in Jesus’ time, there was a controversy about whether it was right to eat meat offered to idols. Some folks saw it as sinful, while others reasoned that since idols weren’t real, it wasn’t a problem. Verse 3 in the Amplified version reads:
“Let not him who eats look down on or despise him who abstains, and let not him who abstains criticize and pass judgment on him who eats; for God has accepted and welcomed him.”
It goes on to discuss the subject of setting aside a special day to honor the Lord:
“One man esteems one day as better than another, while another man esteems all days alike [sacred]. Let everyone be fully convinced (satisfied) in his own mind . . . Why do you criticize and pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you look down upon or despise your brother?”
This chapter indicates that what is acceptable for one person may be wrong for someone else, and vice-versa. It’s not cut and dried or black and white, even though it would be a lot easier if it were. We can’t adopt other people’s values, and we can’t expect other people to adopt ours. The bottom line is that each of us has to follow our own conscience. That’s why I believe it’s a mistake to force our position on others – or to judge them for their position. In verse 22 it says:
“Your personal convictions on such matters--exercise them as in God's presence, keeping them to yourself striving only to know the truth and obey His will.”
We are all unique individuals in the family of God, and as such, we will see things differently – which, in turn, determines our actions. Love allows for those differences. In reality, the only change we have any control over is change within ourselves. When we spend our time trying to change others, there’s a very good chance we’re not devoting any time to improving ourselves.
So the next time you want to pick a fight with your husband, wife, parent or sibling, take it from one who has made her share of mistakes and remember:
“The mouth of a good person is a deep, life-giving well . . . Hatred starts fights, but love pulls a quilt over the bickering.”
~ Proverbs 10:11-12 (The Message Bible)
Your family members will thank you, and you’ll be happier and more peaceful, too.
God bless ~
Eileen
Celebrating our 25th anniversary at Josh and Lisa's wedding in 2003
