This Side of Heaven

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”

~ Matthew 18:10 (Amp)

Recently my daughter-in-law Lisa sent me a link to a video of a speech given by a high school senior named Soeren Paulumbo. If you have the time to view it, I think you will find it thought-provoking. So if you don’t like to be provoked, then I wouldn’t watch it. His speech starts out talking about a black man who is washing windows in the school and some white girls walk by and tell him he “missed a spot.” His speech leads into a discussion about his twelve-year old sister who is mentally handicapped. “She will never learn to hate or judge,” he shares. “And she receives more joy from watching a bubble float into the sky than most of us experience in a lifetime.” The speech has received a great deal of attention, and for good reason. Soeren was even asked to deliver his speech to the Illinois State Senate. If you’re interested in viewing it, the web address is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoqaNG0Ozqc.

Having a granddaughter with Down Syndrome has opened my eyes and my heart and my world. I have learned so much from Katelyn and from others whom we’ve met along this journey. One of those people is a friend I went to junior high school with in Hudson, Wisconsin. I never knew until recently that Barb had a sister with Down Syndrome. Leslie was child number twelve in their family of thirteen.

Barb has a wonderful way with words. With her permission, I would like to share the following excerpts from her writings:

“With such a large family as mine, Leslie has been a true gift to all of us. From the day she was born my family dynamics changed. My parents became more patient, our inner circle a little tighter, and most importantly, our love stronger within. . . . She is still the light of our lives. She is now 42 years old and doing well. She lives with my Mom and has a job at the local grocery store that she loves. She is a friend to all that know her . . . I am very grateful that I have been raised with her in my life, and my children as adults now, embrace her as well. It was probably very difficult for my parents at the time of her birth, but the rewards have been many throughout all of our lives.

“I sometimes describe it to others as a ‘gift’ and other times a ‘blessing’ to have Leslie in my life. But really it is life changing. Once you have exposure to such a gift and blessing, your whole life changes and the way you look at things is somehow different in many ways. I didn’t fully grasp how much I had gained by having a sibling with a disability until I was an adult. And, then when I had my own children and saw what a difference it made in how I parented and how my children grew up, it was truly astonishing. I sometimes think my gratitude of life stems from my large family and most especially growing up with Leslie. All of my Mom’s grandchildren have so embraced Leslie and have made her their ‘special aunt’. She is the godmother of one of my nieces, and was just named one of my other niece’s ‘most influential adults’ in her high school graduation program. When the rest of us read it at Emily’s graduation, there wasn’t a dry eye in our row. We have all benefited from her presence, and the lessons continue as our family grows.”

Leslie with niece Emily

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A father of four from Pennsylvania writes a blog about everyday life with a daughter who has Down Syndrome. (http://downsyndromelife.blogspot.com) He wrote in part:

“Down Syndrome does not define who Amanda is; Amanda defines what Down Syndrome is. Amanda is my loving, beautiful, funny, inspirational daughter, who has a wonderful future ahead of her. If there was ever a button to push or a switch to flick that would make Amanda typical, I wouldn’t touch it, ever. Amanda is perfect just the way she is.

“I can truly say that our outlook of life and the things that we used to consider important has certainly been altered. Things that we used to take for granted and some of life's simplicities are more important than some of its complexities, if that makes any sense . . . Because of her, I will be a better husband, father, son, brother and friend. I know that I am the one that is supposed to teach her how to live, but she has taught me so much already.”

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Angels are defined in the Catholic Encyclopedia as “any agent God sends forth to execute His purposes.” So if you ever get the privilege of meeting one of these special angels – embrace it. It may be as close to God any of us will ever get this side of Heaven.

“So go my little angel and take
The greatest gift I can bestow
You’re the special angel few people
Ever have the honor to know.”

~ A Special Angel (Author Unknown)

“But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.”

~ Matthew 19:14

Better Together

“Two are better than one. . . If one falls down, his friend can help him up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)

Last week I wrote about the dangers involved in making demands or placing expectations on those we love. The price tag is extremely high, so we need to ask ourselves: Is getting my way really all that important?

Here is a poem my friend Pat Bartlett wrote on the subject:

Expectation or Acceptance
By Patricia Kohls Barrett

Expectations can destroy any relationship
From good friendships to wedded bliss
If you expect fulfillment of your desires
The joy from “freely given” you might miss

Expectation is only centered on self
It says, “What can you give to please me?”
True love is self-giving and accepting
Seeks to please the other, is “expecting” free

If you aren’t given what you expect
Disappointment and displeasure rush in
Expressed with sad voice and actions
Deterring one whose heart you would win

What’s the worth of a coerced treat,
That has the same value of a solicited bribe?
It might give some momentary pleasure
But warm fondness it does not describe

How do you respond when feeling forced?
Do you feel endearment and friendly regard?
Doesn’t it build a wedge that shoves apart,
That warmth and attachment retard?

It’s good to communicate what you favor
Strong ties come from sharing who you are
Helps each one relate to the other
Builds devotion and closeness above par

This sharing includes careful listening
About a loved one’s favorite pastime
When the enthusiasm you do not share
But your buddy’s feelings you hold prime

Each is loved and accepted as unique
With a personal giving from the heart
True love appreciates individual traits
Gratefulness and acceptance impart

Unselfish love receives graciously
What is given with love and devotion
As a piece of the giver’s kind heart
Conveyed with sincere fond emotion

Selfish expectations stifles and destroys
Centering on “other” brings warmth and growth
Accepts what is given, looks for ways to please
Bringing happiness and fulfillment for both

“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.”

~ I Peter 3:8

It’s important to recognize the benefits of flexibility and freedom in our relationships.

“Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another’s personhood.”

~ Author Unknown

Recently I emailed the above quote to Keen. His response, along with our brief exchange follows:

Keen: What a great way to say I love you --- no expectations, no control, just love.

Eileen: Amen. Just love and full support. Knowing someone is - and always will be - in your corner.

Keen: I am always in your corner.

Eileen: Thank you, Keen. And I'll always be in yours.

I love you.

Who I Am
(and who I’m not)
By Eileen Umbehr

I may not meet the expectations
Of everyone in my life
I may not win a big award
For best mother, friend or wife

But all I can do
Is what I can
And all I can be
Is who I am

So even though you may not understand
Why I live my life as I do
Please try to accept me for who I am
And I will do the same for you

Then at the end of the day
I hope to hear Him say –
“Well done.”

“Tolerance and celebration of individual differences is the fire that fuels lasting love.” ~ Tom Hannah

Deadly Expectations

“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” ~ Proverbs 14:1 (NIV)

The title of this week’s column sounds like the name of a made-for-television movie. But when I say, “Deadly Expectations,” I’m referring to the expectations individuals have for one another. Not just in marriage or partner relationships, but children to parents, parents to children and friends to friends.

In Catherine Marshall’s book, Something More, she shares a letter she received from an eighteen-year-old girl who was raised in a hypercritical family. “The critical faculties my parents gave me,” she wrote, “have made me more demanding than I should be, given me standards that the real, flawed world can’t live up to . . . .”

I have learned (over and over again) that placing unrealistic expectations on another person is one of the most dangerous mistakes any of us can make. Why? Because when we do, we set ourselves up for disappointment and the other person up for failure. Furthermore, once you verbalize your expectation, it makes it hard to back off or compromise. You have spoken! And you want to be heard and respected! “Yes, Master. Your wish is my command.” The only response you want to hear when you say “Jump” is “How high?” But since most of us aren’t in a master-servant relationship with our spouses, partners, parents, children or friends, none of the participants in these various relationships should be expected to meet our expectations without question or input from them.

The problem with expectations is that they are usually presented in the form of a mandate or edict, rather than a request or suggestion. This is a recipe for disaster. How do I know? Because I’ve made this mistake many times myself. I decide that I’ve been put out or put upon long enough and now it’s my turn to demand that a few things go my way. However, when the person you’re dealing with (a/k/a your victim) decides to “rebel” or refuses to “cooperate” with your demands, you become ripe for developing a serious case of bitterness, resentment and anger. From there, you usually end up on Self-Pity Drive which is really not a Drive at all but rather a DEAD END – and you are left sitting all alone on your self-made throne with no loyal subjects in sight.

At this point in your failed attempt to rule the world (and everyone in it), you may be tempted to issue an ultimatum: “Do what I say – or else!” However, once someone lays down the gauntlet and tells everyone within earshot how it’s going to be, it becomes extremely difficult for them to swallow their pride and take it all back. What I’m trying to say is that it is much better not to lay down the gauntlet in the first place. To make compliance with your wishes a litmus test for love is just wrong. “If you love me, you’ll do what I say,” is NOT love because it doesn’t leave any room for individuality or difference of opinion or personal freedom. Your opinion and your feelings are not the alpha and the omega – the beginning and the end. If you’re in a relationship with another person, your feelings are only part of the equation. You also have to consider how the other person feels and allow them the freedom to react to your announcement. That’s where the art of compromise comes into play.

“Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” ~ Proverbs 17:14

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I think it’s important for both parties in a relationship to express how they feel, but you have to keep in mind that the other person is under no obligation (whatsoever) to agree with you or comply with your request. And if you’re going to get mad at or shun everyone who disagrees with you, then you’re going to end up with a very small circle of friends.

I'd start walking your way
You'd start walking mine
We'd meet in the middle
'Neath that old Georgia pine
We'd gain a lot of ground
'Cause we'd both give a little
And their ain't no road too long
When you meet in the middle

Meet in the Middle ~ recorded by Diamond Rio

Critical Change

“But refuse – shut your mind against, have nothing to do with – trifling (ill-informed, unedifying, stupid) controversies over ignorant questionings, for you know that they foster strife and breed quarrels.” ~ II Timothy 2:23

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their boots; that way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their boots.” ~Anonymous

Has it ever dawned on you that anyone who will criticize another person and gossip about them behind their back, will probably criticize you and gossip behind your back? Author Agnes Sanford once referred to super criticalness as “a breaking of the bonds of love.”

I agree. It is extremely difficult to love someone while you’re judging them.

“Try to show as much compassion as your Father does. Never criticize or condemn – or it will come back on you.” ~ Luke 6:36 (TLB)

In addition, engaging in negativity only brings you down and colors your entire outlook.

“All the days of the desponding afflicted are made evil [by anxious thoughts and foreboding], but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast [regardless of circumstances].”~ Proverbs 15:15

Author Catherine Marshall put it this way: “Criticalness leads to discontent. Discontent expels appreciation and gratitude.”

“A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken.” ~ Proverbs 15:13

Here’s a poem I wrote based on my personal experience, which explains why I’m a firm believer that short visits are best.

“Let your foot seldom be in your neighbor's house, lest he become tired of you and hate you.” ~ Proverbs 25:17 (Amp)

Family Re-unions?
By Eileen Umbehr

Here’s the thing about family reunions
At least what I’ve observed
When everyone gets together
Things can become quite absurd

At first the initial hugs
And greetings are exchanged
“How are you?” “I am fine.”
“My how you have changed!”

But then the whole environment
Seems to go downhill from there
The tongues they start a clickin’
“Can you believe that hair?”

The longer you’re together
The more negativity abounds
Deep-seated anger and jealousy
Contaminate the air and the ground

Then Cousin A and Cousin B
Exchange some subtle jabs
And before you know it the feud expands
To include their moms and dads

Auntie Em and Uncle Fred
In unison shake their heads
“Sis put on weight – Junior pierced his ears
And nephew’s off his meds!”

As time goes on, things don’t improve
But instead go from bad to worse
Leaving the attendees wonderin’
“Is this reunion a blessing or curse?”

As the saying goes, (you’ve heard this before),
Familiarity breeds contempt
Just like fish, after two or three days
Family members start to stank!

For even though you love them
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Perhaps emails and phone calls alone
Would make the bonds grow stronger!

“Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife.” ~ Proverbs 17:1

Self Portrait

“The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

~ 1 Samuel 16:7b (NIV)

I’m Still Me
By Eileen Umbehr

My eyes appear slanted and my smile unique
It’s hard to understand me when I speak
I don’t look like others, nor they like me
I was born with Down Syndrome
But I’m still me

I have a disease and it has spread
Due to the chemo, scarves cover my head
My hair is gone and I feel weak
I have cancer
But I’m still me

I have a birth defect without a cure
Some people assume that my mind is not sure
A wheelchair gets me where I need to be
I have no limbs
But I’m still me

When I went to school I was the only one
Whose skin was black, and the kids made fun
I laugh, I cry, and like you, I dream
My color is different
But I’m still me

For as long as I remember, people have mocked
They say my lifestyle is a shock
But I love who I love and I want to be free
I may be gay
But I’m still me

When I received the diagnosis, it didn’t take long
To decide what to do, with family history so strong
My chest is flat where my breasts used to be
I had a mastectomy
But I’m still me

Try not to judge a book by its cover
If we’ve never met, how can we criticize another?
There’s more to a person than the external view
No matter how you look, you’re still you.


“Judge not according to appearance . . .”

~ John 7:24a (ASV)

July 17, 2008

Happy Birthday, Marne

“This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” ~ Psalm 118:24 (NIV)

Last Friday my special friend Marne celebrated his 90th birthday. Marne and I met several years ago at the cafeteria of St. Francis Hospital. After striking up a conversation, we exchanged emails and have been friends ever since.

You’d never know by looking at Marne that he was 90 years young. He gets around great, takes care of himself, and still drives. In fact, he meets his buddies for lunch three times a week and goes out for breakfast every Sunday. Marne (rhymes with yarn) didn’t want too much fuss made over his special day, so we decided to have an informal celebration at McFarland’s Restaurant in Topeka. We all enjoyed lunch and had a nice cake with Marne’s picture on it.

But what really made the day special was the group of friends who turned out to help him celebrate. There was Bessie from the Presbyterian Manor, “Big John”, Dick and his wife Nedra, another friend named John, Steve, Whitney, and myself. Also, two employees from the manor’s activity department, Jeanie and Beth, stopped by to wish Marne a happy birthday. (Some of the folks Marne invited weren’t able to make it, so Marne good-naturedly reminded each of the them to mark their calendars for July 11, 2009.) After singing happy birthday and watching Marne blow out his candles, we all enjoyed a piece of cake and captured one last picture of the entire group. That evening Marne shared the leftover cake with the residents at the manor.


Marne was born on July 11, 1918, in Clovis, New Mexico to Charles George and Nettie McClurkan Coates. He had three brothers: George, James and William, who served as Shawnee County Sheriff for a time. Marne also had one sister, Elizabeth Etta. (Two siblings – one boy and one girl – died in infancy.)

I was curious about the origin of Marne’s name and so I asked him about it. Marne explained that his father picked out his name after reading about the Battle of the Marne in the newspaper. The River Marne is in France, and the battle is said to have marked a turning point in World War I. The battle involved the last German offensive of the conflict and the first allied offensive victory of 1918. Marne’s middle name, Clyn (pronounced Kline), came from the doctor who was present at his home delivery – Dr. Clyn Smith.

Marne’s family moved to Topeka in 1924 and Marne graduated from Topeka High in 1936. After graduation, he went to work for the Santa Fe Railroad and served a four year apprenticeship before becoming an electrician. He retired in 1982 after 41 years of service. Marne never married, but he had a lifelong friend named Mildred with whom he shared many happy memories.

Marne also cared for his mother at home until she passed away. Marne has always been an outdoorsman. He enjoyed fishing, hunting, and shooting skeet. In fact, as a longtime member and volunteer of the Capital City Gun Club, Marne received the distinction of having a field named after him. On September 3, 2005, Field #3 at the club was officially named Coates Field in honor of Marne’s years of dedication and service.

From the moment I met Marne I knew that he was a kindhearted, gentle man with no guile. I didn’t have to spend very much time with him to realize that he was one of those rare individuals with a heart of gold who didn’t have a mean bone in his body. It has been a joy and a privilege to call Marne Clyn Coates my friend.

“No man or woman of the humblest sort can really be strong, gentle and good, without the world being better for it, without somebody being helped and comforted by the very existence of that goodness.”

~ Phillips Brooks (1835-93), Episcopal clergyman and author; wrote Christmas carol O Little Town of Bethlehem

Eileen, Marne & Bessie

VIDEO of friends singing "Happy Birthday" to Marne

As I Turn 50

“Therefore we do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though our outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day.”

~ II Corinthians 4:16 (Amplified)

It was five years ago this week that my very first Reflections column was published in The Prairie Post. By coincidence, it fell on my 45th birthday, July 3rd. Which means that I’ll be turning 50 this Thursday.

In some ways it seems like only yesterday when I sent Joann Kahnt that tentative email inquiring whether or not she would allow me to submit a weekly column. Most of you have heard how I wondered what I was thinking after I sent my request. How could I possibly come up with something new to write about each and every week?

As I wrote to Joann in a recent email, I hope the readers of The Prairie Post still enjoy reading my column, because I still enjoy writing it. And I’ve finally figured out why I like writing so much – it’s because I’m not a very good listener. It’s like having a one-way conversation without being interrupted. And I never have to face the people I make angry.

But seriously, I do hope this column has been a source of enjoyment for those of you who give it a “look-see” each week. And once again, I’d like to thank Joann Kahnt, and you, the readers, for giving me this privilege.

God bless you all ~

Eileen

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As I Turn 50
By Eileen Umbehr

As I turn 50
I stand in the now
In the perfect position
To ask myself how

How I would change things…
If only I could
How I would change things
From bad to good

Yes, from this position
I can look back
On the things I regret
From the fifty years past

I can also look forward
To improvement and change
Using the wisdom
O’er the years that I’ve gained

For we never really stop
Growing and learning
With each mistake made
We become more discerning

While the lessons we’re taught
At home and in school
Provide a foundation
And serve as a tool

Some of life’s lessons
Can only be taught
Through living and loving
And the school of hard knocks

So I guess you could say
Though I’m not perfect yet
I’m improving with age,
So I have no regrets

“I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done.”

~ Philippians 3:12-14 (Contemporary English Version)

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Last week I received an unexpected email from a woman named Joanie who lives behind the house our family built on Proehl’s Trail in Hudson, Wisconsin, where we lived for eight years before moving to Singapore. Joanie is a local history buff who grew up in Hudson and recalls crossing the rickety wooden railroad bridge that led to Proehl’s Trail. She wrote: “I was confident that if I didn’t go at top speed I would fall through the cracks to the railroad tracks below.” Joanie and her family can’t believe that they are living in the special neighborhood after all these years. “My father-in-law, an Englishman from Manchester often comments when we drive home over the bridge, ‘This is God’s little acre.’ I think he’s right.” She closed by saying that she’d like to learn more about the years our family spent in “the Van Kirk house, as it is now affectionately referred to by the old-timers.”


I’d like to share my response. The picture of our old house above and the picture of the railroad bridge below, were both provided by Joanie and shared with her permission.

Dear Joanie:

Thanks so much for taking the time to write. It was wonderful to hear from you. I do have so many fond memories of my growing up years in Hudson.

To give you a little background, our father worked for 3M so our family moved eleven different times. I was born in Cincinnati, Ohio, the 7th child of nine. From there we moved to Edina, Minnesota, and then on to Hudson when I was in the 2nd grade. We lived there until the end of my freshman year when Dad was transferred overseas to Singapore. I cried and cried when I heard we were moving. I had a difficult 8th grade year, but when I went to Hudson Junior High, I met an amazing group of friends. (Margie Friedlander, Nan Turner, Sally McGraw, Jill Feldman, to name a few.) In addition, I had just learned that I made the cheerleading squad for Hudson High School when we found out we were moving half way around the world. But the good Lord knew what He was doing because it was there that I met my future husband Keen. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary and we have 4 sons, 2 daughters-in-law and 5 grandchildren.

Growing up on Proehl's Trail was almost magical. In those days, almost every activity we did was outside. We quickly learned the art of “making ourselves scarce” because if we hung around the house Mom would always find some chores for us to do. We had a tree house that extended out over the lake which provided the perfect hideout. And the open field directly across the road from us doubled as our own personal playground. That was where we played baseball and tag football in the summer and built snow forts and had snowball fights in the winter. The entire setting could not have been more idyllic for a large family like ours.


My brothers and sisters spent countless hours playing in the woods behind our house. I remember an old hollowed out tree stump that we used to use for our "witch’s brew." One time my friend Paul and I were playing with matches and we started a fire in the woods that almost got away from us. (That sure put the fear of God in us!) During the summer the kids in the neighborhood would gather at our house to play basketball, badminton or games like Captain May I and Kick the Can. I remember when our family hosted barbecues with lots of other families and we would play a hide-and-seek game after dark that always seemed so scary. The person who was "it" would call out, "One o'clock and the ghost isn't out, two o'clock and the ghost isn't out . . .” all the way up to twelve when they’d yell, “Twelve o'clock midnight, hope to see the ghost tonight!"

I was a tomboy growing up and quite the fisherwoman. I used to put coffee grinds in an area behind our house in hopes of attracting my own supply of night crawlers. I loved taking our canoe out in the early morning hours and fishing around the lake.

The lake itself provided endless forms of entertainment for our large family. In the summer, of course, we had swimming, boating and skiing. We always had a floating dock to swim out to. In the winter, we had ice fishing and skating. I remember many gatherings at our house when my sisters and I would entertain the party goers by singing songs like, "Michael row your boat ashore," “Blowing in the Wind,” "Kumbaya," "500 miles," “If I had a hammer,” “Where have all the flowers gone?”, “Puff the Magic Dragon,” “Lemon Tree,” “White Choral Bells” (in a round), and “All Night, All Day” (Angels watchin' over me, my Lord). Our sister Joanne would accompany us on the guitar.

I remember walking to school every day up that big old hill. It seemed like a mountain to me. But coming down was always a joy. I used to pick lilacs for my mother in the springtime. Every time I smell lilacs now it takes me back to those days.


And yes, the bridge. Who could ever forget that rustic old bridge? One time my sister Mary and I were taking a short cut home across the railroad tracks when our mother happened to drive over the bridge. She stopped the station wagon at the top of the bridge and our hearts just froze in fear. I think we cried all the way home just anticipating the spanking we were going to get upon our return. The words I seem to recall my mother yelling were: "If I ever catch you on those tracks again I'll kill you before the train does!"


One of my favorite pastimes growing up was visiting with the Proehl sisters – Ida, Sophia and Magdalene. It seems to me that at least one of the sisters never married. I would visit all three sisters on occasion, but I was closest to Mag. She was always happy to see me and, despite our age differences, we became the best of friends. In fact, I still have a glass paperweight that she gave me.

Mag's passing was my first experience with losing someone I knew and loved. I was shaken and saddened by the sight of my friend being driven away in the hearse that drove by our house the day she died.

We still stay in touch with many of our friends from Hudson, several of our friends drove to Brainerd, Minnesota four years ago to surprise my Dad for his 80th birthday party. Their presence at the party really made the celebration extra-special.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my walk down “Memory Lane.” Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts – and for inviting me to share mine.

All the best,


Eileen (Van Kirk) Umbehr

Under an old brass paperweight
Is my list of things to do today
Go to the bank and the hardware store,
Put a new lock on the cellar door
I cross 'em off as I get 'em done
But when the sun is set
There's still more than a few things left
I haven't got to yet

Go for a walk, say a little prayer
Take a deep breath of mountain air
Put on my glove and play some catch
It's time that I make time for that
Wade the shore and cast a line
Look up a long lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss
Start livin', that's the next thing on my list

~ Toby Keith - My List

The Van Kirk Family, 2004

What's Wrong with Being Right - Part II

After writing the previous column on this subject a couple of weeks ago, I had a few more thoughts that I’d like to expound on.

To put it simply, one of the biggest problems with believing you’re right is this: you might be wrong. Oh, we don’t think that’s possible, but it is. That’s why it’s best not to get too over-extended when expressing your opinion. In addition, there is a vast difference between “expressing” an opinion and “enforcing” it.

Let me give you an example. Over the years, there have been a couple of times when Keen and I had a big decision to make and I either kept my opinion to myself (which was my mistake), or I wasn’t consulted in the first place (which was Keen’s mistake). The times when I kept my opinion to myself happened as a result of my desire to be a “good wife.” I wanted to support Keen’s ideas and I didn’t want to dampen his enthusiasm by raining on his parade. But I have learned (the hard way, as usual) that there is nothing noble about keeping quiet when God gave you a brain to use and a heart to follow. Besides, your input may be the very thing needed to arrive at the best decision for everyone involved.

The problem with expressing our opinion arises when we aren’t content to simply share our point of view and leave it at that, but rather, we insist on driving the point home in an attempt to force the other person to adopt our point of view. That’s where we go too far. (Once again, I speak from experience.) So both extremes are a mistake – not expressing your opinion at all or cramming it down the recipient’s throat. Therefore, we must strive to find that happy medium.

This brings us back to the theory of individual freedom. In Dr. John Townsend’s book titled, “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons,” he writes:

“It makes sense [that] you care about the button-pusher and want things to go well between the two of you. Yet that person is free to choose his behavior toward you, his attitudes, and whether he even wants to be in a relationship with you. . . .
God understands this dilemma. He knows it conceptually, and He knows it in experience. God lives in it every day, caring about us and just wanting a relationship with us that is for our best; yet He gives us the freedom to say no to him, which we often do.”

Matthew chapter 23 verses 37 and 38 reads:

“. . . You who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.”

Dr. Townsend continues:

“God desires the connection profoundly, yet He does not violate the free will that He also created within us. He allows Himself to experience that sort of tension, not because it is good or pleasant for Him, but because freedom is the only way that we will ever have a relationship that comes from within – from the heart – and is not forced or controlled. That is the only sort of relationship He is interested in.”

**********

In my opinion, that should be the only type of relationship any of us should be interested in, because nobody likes being controlled. So it only makes sense that we should not attempt to control others – no matter how strongly we feel about a particular subject. We have to realize that while it is acceptable and important to express our opinions and share our input, it is not acceptable to become angry at the other person when they choose not to agree with or adopt our opinions. Conversely, neither is it acceptable for the other person to become angry at us for expressing our opinions in the first place. Personal freedom goes both ways.

Just think about it this way: God Himself doesn’t always get His way. He sent Jesus to die for our sins so that all of His children could spend eternity with Him in Heaven, but He will not force anyone to accept that free gift of salvation. That decision can only be made by each individual upon the exercise of their own free will.

“The Lord does not delay and is not tardy or slow about what He promises, according to some people's conception of slowness, but He is long-suffering (extraordinarily patient) toward you, not desiring that any should perish, but that all should turn to repentance.”

~ II Peter 3:9 (Amplified)

To All the Good Men

Here are a few reflective poems in honor of all the good husbands, brothers, sons, uncles, fathers, and grandfathers in our lives.

An Unconditional Love
By Connie Hinnen Cook

His dear wife now had Alzheimers,
her mind in a bad way;
He placed her in a care home, but
he saw her every day.

He brought her favorite roses
and a Persian cat to touch;
He'd sing to her and brush her hair,
"I love you ~ oh, so much!"

Sometimes he'd read her stories
or explain things on TV,
He longed to hear her call his name
but knew it couldn't be.

One day a patient watched them ~
how he'd gently hold her hand,
The patient, filled with wonderment, said
"I don't understand...

"She doesn't even know you, sir,
you might as well be dead!"
"I guess that's true," he answered,
"Ah, but I know her," he said.

-Connie-

"Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
Love never ends..."

~ Corinthians 13:7

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A Prayin' Man
by Connie Hinnen Cook

As I walked softly in the room
his head was bowed down low,
His hands lay idly in his lap,
his breathing calm and slow.

I thought that he was sleeping
till he opened up his eyes,
He made me want to kiss him
when he said, to my surprise...

"Have I told you that I love you?
I was telling God right now,
Oh, I know He knows already
but I told Him anyhow...

"We both think you're something special
and I know that He'd agree
Nothing bad should ever touch you,
not if it were up to me!"

Prickly goose bumps start to tingle,
icy chills run up my spine,
And sometimes I have to pinch myself:
this prayin' man is mine!

And just before we start our meals
he always says a prayer,
For God to bless the food we eat
and keep us in His care.

I love it when he reaches out
and puts his hand in mine,
And speaking low, he thanks the Lord
when we go out to dine.

He asks the Lord's protection
when we're traveling in the car,
For angels to ride with us
if we're going very far.

I picture one above us,
on the sides, the front, behind,
Our housetop angel waves goodbye,
(but only in my mind).

Girls, you can keep the latest hunk,
I'm not a beef-cake fan,
Stud muffins leave me unimpressed,
give me a prayin' man!

He owns my heart forever
'cause there's nothing stronger than
Words of power, words of blessing
coming from a prayin' man.

~Connie~

"The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

~ James 5:16 KJV

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Half Long Enough
By Eileen Umbehr

How long has it been?
I asked him that day
Since your precious wife
Sadly passed away

It will be two years
Come May 7th
Since the good Lord
Took her to Heaven

I’m so sorry for your loss
Are you doing all right?
I miss her very much
And I still cry every night

Although I was blessed
To share those fifty years
It wasn’t half long enough
For someone so dear

She was the center of my life
And she was the glue
That held our family together
No matter what we went through

I always thought I would go first
And I told her to remarry
But now she’s been taken
And I’m the one to tarry

I’m left alone with my memories
But I’m thankful for our love
And the life we shared together
Though not half long enough

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Husband, Father, Son
By Eileen Umbehr

I still remember, the sound of the sirens
On that winter night so long ago
But I never imagined the person in need
Would be someone that we did know

It was our cousin, his name was Jack
The night was New Year’s Eve
He was just about ready to call it a day
When he cut down one more tree

A freak accident ended his life that night
When he was only thirty-five
He left behind a wife and a five-month-old son
Wondering how they’d survive

Jack was such a hard worker, holding down two jobs
He never left a project undone
But the most important roles he played in his life
Were husband, father and son

Jack had made plans, to take his young son
To the K-State basketball games
In fact, his son’s initials are KSU
Kelby Shawn Umbehr is his name.

Now Kelby is a senior, soon to graduate
He’s bright and handsome, just like his dad
I know Jack would be, so very proud
Of the fine young man that he and Barb had

Jack has been missed – as cousin, brother and friend
And by countless other loved ones
But none miss him more, than those who knew him as
Husband, father and son.


Written December, 2003
Note: Kelby just graduated magna cum laude from Wichita State University

What's Wrong With Being Right?

Our wedding party - June 10, 1978

“But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged . . .”

~ II Timothy 2:23-24 (NASB)

I recently heard Naomi Judd say that the only real mistake is the one you don’t learn from. As Keen and I approach our 30th wedding anniversary and I near my 50th birthday, I’ve been reflecting on one of the most valuable lessons I have learned – and am still learning – in my lifetime.

Put simply, I have found that there is one thing that causes more problems in meaningful relationships than any other factor; that is, the belief that you are right. What’s wrong with that? Well, nothing I suppose. But most of us aren’t content to keep our opinions to ourselves. When we become convinced that our point of view is the correct one, then we think it’s our right and our duty to impose that view on everyone around us. Therein lies the problem.

“If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.”

~ John Stuart Mill

Let’s take smoking for example. Everyone knows that it’s bad for your health. Or that eating the wrong kind of food is bad for your arteries. And yes, we could all stand to weigh a little less and exercise more. But poking people in the eye over and over about their shortcomings does nothing but cause hard feelings and alienation. They are aware of the information about the warnings and dangers of certain behaviors; they don’t need anyone to rub their nose in it.

“But keep away from foolish disagreements. Don't argue about family histories. Don't make trouble. Don't fight about what the law teaches. Don't argue about things like that. It doesn't do any good. It doesn't help anyone.”
~ Titus 3:9 (NIRV)

Remember, God even allowed Adam and Eve to exercise their free will and make their own decisions, and He certainly knew what was best for them. We are all on a journey, and life is a process of successes and failures, so be gentle with others – and yourself.

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."

~ Arnold H. Glasgow

We need to learn to love and accept people for who they are, not for whom we want them to be. When love is conditioned upon the other person doing exactly what we want or seeing things exactly the way we see them, it’s not really love at all.

The truth of the matter is that most of us have our own set of problems and hang-ups that we could be working on. But it’s just so much more enjoyable to criticize others or point out their faults than to work on our own.

“And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother's eye.”

~ Luke 6:41,42 (NKJV)

To me, one of the most interesting chapters in the Bible is Romans 14. Back in Jesus’ time, there was a controversy about whether it was right to eat meat offered to idols. Some folks saw it as sinful, while others reasoned that since idols weren’t real, it wasn’t a problem. Verse 3 in the Amplified version reads:

“Let not him who eats look down on or despise him who abstains, and let not him who abstains criticize and pass judgment on him who eats; for God has accepted and welcomed him.”

It goes on to discuss the subject of setting aside a special day to honor the Lord:

“One man esteems one day as better than another, while another man esteems all days alike [sacred]. Let everyone be fully convinced (satisfied) in his own mind . . . Why do you criticize and pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you look down upon or despise your brother?”

This chapter indicates that what is acceptable for one person may be wrong for someone else, and vice-versa. It’s not cut and dried or black and white, even though it would be a lot easier if it were. We can’t adopt other people’s values, and we can’t expect other people to adopt ours. The bottom line is that each of us has to follow our own conscience. That’s why I believe it’s a mistake to force our position on others – or to judge them for their position. In verse 22 it says:

“Your personal convictions on such matters--exercise them as in God's presence, keeping them to yourself striving only to know the truth and obey His will.”

We are all unique individuals in the family of God, and as such, we will see things differently – which, in turn, determines our actions. Love allows for those differences. In reality, the only change we have any control over is change within ourselves. When we spend our time trying to change others, there’s a very good chance we’re not devoting any time to improving ourselves.

So the next time you want to pick a fight with your husband, wife, parent or sibling, take it from one who has made her share of mistakes and remember:

“The mouth of a good person is a deep, life-giving well . . . Hatred starts fights, but love pulls a quilt over the bickering.”

~ Proverbs 10:11-12 (The Message Bible)

Your family members will thank you, and you’ll be happier and more peaceful, too.

God bless ~

Eileen

Celebrating our 25th anniversary at Josh and Lisa's wedding in 2003

Keen Takes Flight

“Many are the plans in a man’s mind, but it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand.” ~ Proverbs 16:9

It’s Monday morning following one of those magical moments that we all get to experience every now and then.

Last Saturday, our son Keen II earned a Bachelor of Science degree from Kansas State University with dual majors in psychology and sociology. It was a picture perfect day, in more ways than one. Keen’s mom, sister, niece and great-niece came from Texas to join the celebration, and our daughter-in-law Lisa drove all the way from Wichita with two little ones to be a part of Keener’s special day. (Josh would have been there but he couldn’t get off work.)

Before the ceremony, Keen and I just happened to run into Keen II in the hallway. He was the last person in line waiting to march into the Coliseum. Seeing him standing there in his cap and gown with such a look of pride and anticipation on his face was a moment to remember.

Although Keen’s name was misspelled on the card the announcer reads (Kenn instead of Keen), he had time to whisper the correct pronunciation just before he walked across the stage, so his name was announced exactly right, followed by our round of cheers.


After the ceremony, we enjoyed a breakfast buffet at the Clarion Hotel in Manhattan. They did such a nice job decorating the tables with white table cloths and purple napkins. The food was delicious, too. Keen Sr. shared a few thoughts that he had prepared over the past week. He was going to read them, but decided he would just speak from his heart. It was very moving and emotional for everyone. Then we played the DVD I made with pictures of Keener growing up put to the music of Mark Harris’ song, “Find Your Wings.” (If you’d like to view it, you can go to www.keentakesflight.blogspot.com.)

As I was pouring through photo albums looking for pictures to use in the DVD, I noticed that several pictures from Keen’s youth depicted him “taking flight” in various ways. There’s the picture of Keen jumping off the diving board at the Alma pool a few days before his 5th birthday (not the low dive, but the high dive). Then there’s one of Keen jumping off the rope swing at Low Water Bridge when he about seven. As an adult, Keen took sky diving lessons and jumped out of an airplane – more than once – without ever telling us until after it was over. So the song by Mark Harris and the theme, “Keen Takes Flight” just seemed to fit for our “high flying” and adventurous third-born son.

One of the highlights of the day last Saturday was meeting Keen’s new girlfriend, Tiffany. We had heard a lot about her – she grew up in Wichita, graduated from Wichita State University, and lives and works in Shawnee, Kansas – but it was so nice to have the chance to meet her in person. Tiffany and Keen met when they were attendants at the wedding of some mutual friends.

Tiffany is a strikingly beautiful young woman, but her beauty is not limited to the external. She is smart, ambitious, confident, articulate, accomplished, and, well, most importantly, she cares about our son. Tiffany said the thing that most attracted her to Keen was his sense of humor. I’ve always appreciated that quality in Keen Sr., too. As it says in Proverbs, “laughter does good like a medicine.”


Keen and Tiffany joined us back in Alma that afternoon for a “country-fied” celebration. Keen’s mom helped make a batch of the Umbehr family’s famous barbecue sauce for the pork ribs and chicken dinner. It was a beautiful day to just sit on the patio and enjoy the breeze and good conversation. In the evening, everyone enjoyed a bonfire and smores under the light of a full moon. (I forgot to buy graham crackers, so they made smores with one less key ingredient.) It was a wonderful day filled with memories that we will cherish for a lifetime.

As we watch our children grow from children to young adults and beyond, there are so many milestones to celebrate. But as Keen’s mom, I have to say that this one was the most significant – not because of the event we were celebrating, but because I can honestly say that I have never seen our son look so happy . . . so content . . . so complete.

“And now . . . I commit you to God, I deposit you in His charge, entrusting you to His protection and care.”

~ Acts 20:32a (Amplified)

Taming the Tongue

“All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?”

~ James 3:7-11 (NIV)

After writing the column titled “A Better Way,” I received an email from a dear friend of mine named Jack whom I would describe as a man after God’s own heart. So when Jack shared his own struggles with keeping his words in check, it really touched my heart.

“There are those who speak rashly like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” ~ Proverbs 12:18

I’d like to share a portion of Jack’s encouraging email:

“Every night I read as one of my little prayers before going to bed, ‘Guard my tongue, O God, from silly, useless chatter, from words that would confuse or disillusion. Instead, Lord, cause my mouth to speak soothing, uplifting and healing words; words of praise and encouragement and words of love. Amen.’

I depend upon this as one of my prayers which I need continuously with three kids, seven grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren . . . because I find times when I am not pleased with what they do or say, not to mention my friends in my church and neighbors in my condominium which has 99 units. I am trying to think before opening my mouth to avoid saying things I would be sorry for later . . . .”

In my reply, I told Jack that it helped me to learn that even positive, kind-hearted people have to work hard and pray hard to keep from saying something they will regret or acting in a way that doesn’t build up the people in his or her life.

“There are two ways of exerting one’s strength; one is pushing down and the other is pulling up.”

~ Booker T. Washington, educator, author, civil rights leader
(1856-1915)

For a short while I was in the habit of praying Psalm 141:3 every morning: “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips,” and, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord.” (Ps. 19:14) I think I need to get back to that.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath…” ~ James 1:19

But all too often I fail to remember how much trouble my mouth can get me in and I neglect to pray for God’s help to control my tongue. As a result, I have a “knee-jerk” reaction to stressful situations and end up with a severe case of “foot-in-mouth disease.”

“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart . . .”

~ Ecclesiastes 5:2a

It’s like that one prayer that goes: “Dear Lord, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t cussed, gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, selfish, or overindulgent. But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot more help.”

My friend Mae shared a great quote recently from H. Fred Ale who said: “My green thumb came only as a result of the mistakes I made while learning to see things from the plant’s point of view.” I think we would all benefit from trying to see things from others’ points of view more often. For example, rather than just seeing the overgrown lawn at our house in Manhattan, I could have taken into consideration the fact that both of our sons are full-time college students making good grades and holding down jobs while doing their own cooking, cleaning and laundry. But all I saw at that moment was the length of the grass. And truth be told, the main reason I was so angry was because of how it made us look. Silly pride.

Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t guide or correct your children. But if we want our kids to hear and receive our instruction, then we have to deliver it in a way that doesn’t get clouded by our anger or the pitch of our voice. My whole life I have followed the wrong pattern of expressing my anger. Somehow I’ve had the mistaken notion that if I don’t scream at the top of my lungs then the recipient won’t realize how serious I am – and I really want them to know that I mean business! But people young and old have a tendency to shut down when someone is yelling at them. A wall goes up in an effort to protect them from the verbal assault.

So even though you may be right in what you’re trying to say, a message delivered with unbridled anger puts you back in the wrong. As the saying goes: You may have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give you the right to be cruel.

Oh what a fire one tiny spark can ignite. Lord, help me remember that it is much easier to “prevent forest fires” than to put them out once they’ve already started.

“We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” ~ James 3:2-5

A Mother's Work

“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” ~ Washington Irving

They say a mother’s work is never done. As I watch our two daughters-in-law care for our grandchildren, I am reminded of how true that statement really is. Erin, who works as an RN and meets the demands of three young children while Jared is in Iraq with the Navy . . .

. . . and Lisa, who also works as an RN while nursing a baby and caring for a busy two-year-old with special needs, while Josh is at work more than he’s home as a first-year resident.

And so, in honor of Erin, Lisa, and all the busy moms out there who deserve the greatest praise and appreciation for all that they do for their families, I’d like to share the following prose titled, “I Didn’t Do It.” Happy Mother’s Day!

“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”

~ Proverbs 31:28

I Didn’t Do It

Author Unknown

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside playing, still in their pajamas, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that perhaps something serious had happened.

But there she was, lounging in the bedroom, still curled up in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked him how his day went.

Bewildered, he looked at her and replied, "What happened here today?"

She smiled once again and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," he replied quizzically.

"Well, today I didn't do it."

A Better Way

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

~ Galatians 5:22,23

Well, it’s 11:30 p.m. on Sunday evening and I am not feeling very proud of the way I acted today. Our day started out fine; Keen and I went for a 3 mile walk in the morning, followed by several hours spent in the yard planting our garden and seventeen trees. Then we decided to go to Manhattan for a movie. So far so good. Afterwards we stopped by the house where our two youngest sons live. After taking one look at the length of the grass in the front yard, I stormed inside to give Kirk a piece of my mind. It was one of those times when I spoke first and thought later. Did I need to say something to him about the situation? Yes. But did I need to get so angry and make him feel one inch tall in the process? No. To make matters worse, I got mad at Keen for not joining me in the butt chewing. (He’s always been more of a softy when it comes to the kids, which I guess balanced out my “rule with an iron fist” parenting style.) At any rate, our otherwise nice weekend ended on a sour note and left me in tears. But Keen and I worked things out, and I’ll apologize to Kirk.

“As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

~ Colossians 3:12

As for coming up with a column for this week, I wasn’t feeling too inspired after the way I acted. But then I came across this story about Billy Graham and it seemed very fitting. I just thank God that His mercies are new every morning - and tomorrow is a brand new day.

“Not that I have now attained [this ideal] or am already made perfect . . . but one thing I do – it is my one aspiration; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.”

~ Philippians 3:12-14

Nestle, Don’t Wrestle

Author Unknown

The title of Billy Graham’s autobiography, "Just as I Am," says it all. His life goes before him speaking as eloquently as that charming southern drawl for which he is known.

If, when I am eighty years old, my autobiography were to be titled "Just as I Am," I wonder how I would live now? Do I have the courage to be me? I'll never be a Billy Graham, the elegant man who draws people to the Lord through a simple one-point message, but I hope to be a person who is real and compassionate and who might draw people to nestle within God's embrace. Any one of us can do that. We may never win any great awards or be named best dressed, most beautiful, most popular, or most revered, but each of us has an arm with which to hold another person, each of us can pull another shoulder under ours, and each of us can invite someone in need to nestle next to our heart. We can give a pat on the back, a simple compliment, a kiss on the cheek, a thumbs-up sign, We can smile at a stranger, say hello when it's least expected, send a card of congratulations, take flowers to a sick neighbor, make a casserole for a new mother, give a high five, say "I love you" in language our teenagers will understand, or back off even when you have a right to take the offensive.

Do you make it a point to speak to a visitor or person who shows up alone at church, buy a hamburger for a homeless man, call your mother on Sunday afternoons, pick daisies with a little girl, or take a fatherless boy to a baseball game?

When Billy Graham was asked about his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he replied, "Ruth and I are happily incompatible." How unexpected. We would all live more comfortably with everybody around us if we would find the strength in being grateful and “happily incompatible.”

Did anyone ever tell you how beautiful you look when you're looking for what's beautiful in someone else? Let's take the things that set us apart, that make us different, that cause us to disagree, and make them an occasion to compliment each other and be thankful for each other. Let us be big enough to be smaller than our neighbor, spouse, friends, children, and strangers. Every day, remember: nestle, don't wrestle.

“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.” ~ I Peter 3:8

Broken Places

“This is what the Lord says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.” ~ II Kings 20:5

Last night I watched a show about a woman who survived a brutal rape after being strangled and left for dead. She had this advice for other victims:

"The anger and bitterness will come and you have to feel that to heal from it. But just don't let it destroy your life."

I thought that was a very balanced way of looking at it. On one hand, you can't run from that pain. It's like you have to embrace it before you can move past it. As I’ve shared before, pretending about anything doesn't take you anywhere but to another pretend place. On the other hand, you can't let feelings of anger and bitterness absorb you, or they will ultimately drain you of all joy and keep you from living your life fully.

At the end of the show, the woman quoted Ernest Hemingway when he said:

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are stronger at the broken places."

This morning I received a column, Dispatches from Kansas, by my friend Tom Parker. I wrote a blurb for the back on Tom’s book by the same title. Tom writes about nature, bird watching, and life. If you think I’m open about the things I share, you should read some of Tom’s work. He is gutsy and real in his writings.


After reading Tom’s latest column about a recent trip to Colorado for a wedding and a visit with his now grown sons and their families, I decided to ask his permission to share a portion of it, and he obliged me. The entire column can be found on Tom’s blog at: http://dispatchesfromkansas.blogspot.com.

This is an excerpt:

“On the way [to Colorado], Lori told a friend who was catching a ride with us of the time when our younger son, Benjamin, tried to kill me. I was logy from lack of sleep and wearily focusing on driving and the passing scenery, and surprised, too, when she inched further into the sad tale with details I had tried to forget. It was not a story she shares willingly and yet here she was enumerating the methodical dismemberment of our home and the sundering instant when I opened the garage door and felt the rifle butt slam into my face.”

After spending time with both of his sons, Tom reflected on their visit:

“For the first time in many years I could look at Benjamin and not feel repulsed. Among his many tattoos was a new one in memory of his grandfather and namesake. He showed it to me and I did not flinch . . . There were only the memories sloughing off, and something like forgiveness and the willingness to once again become vulnerable.”

*********

Maybe you or I have never endured or survived anything as traumatic as this, but most of us can relate to the emotions expressed and the insights gained. That’s the thing about writers; they share what most people feel but would never dare say. I appreciate Tom’s honesty and thank him for allowing me to share it with all of you.

“Things I would not tell anyone, I tell the public.”

~ Michel de Montaigne