On Motherhood

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.” ~ Proverbs 15:1-2

When I told Keen that I wrote about my problem with anger last week, you might have expected him to say something like: “Well it’s about time you got honest about that!” Or, “Good – I’ve been trying to tell you to get help for years!” But nope. My one-in-a-million, God-broke-the-mold-after-He-made-him husband simply replied: “Bigger diamonds take more polishing.”

“Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” ~ Hebrews 12:11

Last week I also shared about how I once aspired to become a witch. But I distinctly remember dreaming about becoming a wife and mother, too. One would imagine that those goals were utterly incompatible; but I submit that my “witchy” side served me quite well as the outnumbered mother of four sons (and one big kid)! In fact, I seriously doubt whether I would have survived the experience without it! (It was them or me!)

On a serious note, May 7th marked the 18th anniversary of my own mother’s death from breast cancer. My mom raised nine children and suffered two miscarriages. She was a registered nurse. She was a loving mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend. If ever there was a saint, it was my mom. But even saints aren’t perfect, and my mom was no exception. She lost her temper, too – and understandably so. (I don’t know many mothers who haven’t. Calgon, take me away.)

The Van Kirk Family on Easter morning (before child #9 - Bob - was born).

Many years ago, when my brother Joe called to tell us that Mom may not live to see another Christmas, I faced my biggest fear. What would happen if Mom passed away without ever knowing how much I loved her? I sobbed and sobbed at the thought, yet for some reason, saying the words, “I love you,” didn’t come easily for me. Keen encouraged me to find a way to tell her how I felt, lest I be forced to live with unbearable regret.

So one day I got up the courage to call my mom on the telephone. Her voice was weak; mine was shaking. “Mom?” “Yes, honey?” “Mom, I’m not saying you’re going to die, but if you ever did die and I never told you how much I love you, I just couldn’t live with myself.” “Oh, thank you dear,” Mom replied. “I love you, too.” “And Mom? I just want you to know that I only have good feelings and memories of my childhood. Being a mother myself now, I understand how difficult parenting can be and how easy it is to lose patience. But I only have the highest feelings of respect and admiration in my heart for you, Mom.” In a choked up voice, she softly replied: “That means more to me than you’ll ever know, Eileen.”

The peace that came over me after that conversation is indescribable. My mom – the one who carried me in her womb, took care of me when I was sick, and loved me in spite of my “icky” disposition – knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I loved and appreciated her more than words could say. She did not go to her grave without knowing that.

She Loved Us Well
By Eileen Umbehr

Before my mother passed away
Eighteen years ago, on the 7th of May
I told her that I understood
She loved us well, did the best she could

I did not want her, to feel upset
In her last days, have one regret
She was the best mom, without a doubt
She knew what motherhood, was all about

Our holidays were always special
Easter baskets and Christmas stockings always full
And on our birthdays, we were kings and queens
With ice cream and cake, and our favorite cuisine

We were all taught, right from wrong
And faith in God, made our family strong
Kisses and hugs, were freely given
Tears were dried, offenses forgiven

I remember a time, when she assigned me a chore
I did not want to do; thought it was a bore
My mother sat beside me, on the stairs
And talked with me quietly, about life’s cares

“Along life’s way, oh daughter of mine,
There will be difficulties, you will find
I wish I could tell you, that all will be merry
But the truth is that life, is not a bowl full of cherries.”

The softness of her speech, and her gentle way
Made such an impression, on me that day
That’s why I should remember, speak in softer tones
For nothing is accomplished, when we throw stones

Later on in my life, as a struggling mother
Problems seemed to follow, one after another
Mom said don’t be afraid, to ask for help
It’s so much better, than trying to do it by yourself.”

I guess I could go on, about the lessons I have learned
From a mother who always gave, seeking nothing in return
I only hope my kids will say, when my life on earth is through:
“She loved us well and did the very best that she could do.”

Mom Eileen with four sons - from left to right, Kirk Van, Keen Alfred II, Jared Joseph, and Joshua Jim

D-ANGER

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.”

~ James 1:19-21

I think I came out of the womb kicking and screaming, eventually earning quite the reputation for my temper tantrums. My siblings have said that my tantrums became so commonplace that they just learned to ignore me. I can still remember one time when I was about five years old and I was kicking and screaming at the top my lungs. My grandmother (whom we called Nanny) stood in the doorway of the room and kept saying, “Oh, look at the big phony - she doesn’t even have any tears. What a phony baloney!” Of course that just made me even angrier, and so I screamed even louder.

“As a rule, anything that is either shouted or whispered isn’t worth listening to.”

~Frederick Langbridge

My Mom said that she couldn’t get a baby picture of me because I screamed blue bloody murder the day she took me to the studio. She finally got a professional photo of me, but even then I had a furrowed brow and a scowl on my face.


When I was about six months old, I began refusing a bottle. I didn’t want anything to do with anybody – I just wanted to do it myself! (An apparent case of early-onset terrible twos.) Then when I was about nine or ten years old, I told my family that I wanted to grow up to become a witch and rock in a rocking chair on a mountaintop until I died. (Lovely, isn’t it?) My morbid vision of the future earned me the nickname “Icky-Poo,” or “Ick” for short. (My dad still calls me that to this day.)

Although I am still a private person who not only enjoys time alone, but actually needs it, I no longer maintain my former negative, gloomy outlook on life. In fact, quite the opposite! (Can anyone say Pollyanna?)

In all seriousness, I attribute the dramatic change in my attitude to the transforming power of God’s love. When I was 14 years old, I attended a David Wilkerson crusade (author of “The Cross and the Switchblade”) and heard the Gospel explained in a way that I had never understood before. I used to think that I had to be good enough to get into Heaven, a thought which had tormented me with fear.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.”

~ Ephesians 2:8-9

Before that I would literally lie awake at night and think about how eternity went on and on and on and never ended. So when I heard the good news that Jesus died for the sins of all humankind, I jumped at the chance to have the peace of knowing that even though I could never be good enough to earn my way to Heaven, through God’s free gift of salvation, I could be completely forgiven and made whiter than snow, with the assurance of spending all eternity with Him. This revelation gave me ample reasons to rejoice and shed my cynical attitude. Now all I want to do is share God’s love with every person I meet.

“Know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified. For if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”

~ Galatians 2:16, 21b

Nonetheless, I must admit that my former rageaholic tendencies still surface more often than they should.

“But no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.”

~ James 3:8-10

But like most of us, I am a work in progress, and thank God, He is patient with me.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”

~ Lamentations 3:22,23

In Lisa Bevere’s book, “Be Angry, But Don’t Blow It,” she talks about how she tried to blame her temper on her upbringing, her husband, her kids, her ethnic background, her hormones, or the fact that her parents were divorced and her father had a drinking problem. But one day she realized that she had no one to blame but herself, and she finally acknowledged her weakness and took ownership of her own destructive choices. She said it was then that she received the much-needed help that God was willing to offer all along. (As Dr. Phil always says: You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.)

“I have learned that once you get angry, you have only two options: stay angry or get over it; no one can make me angry without my permission.”

Anonymous

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NAIL IN THE FENCE
Author Unknown

There once was a little girl who had a bad temper. Her mother gave her a bag of nails and told her that every time she lost her temper, she must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the girl had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as she learned to control her anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. She discovered it was easier to hold her temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the girl didn't lose her temper at all.

She told her mother about it and the mother suggested that the girl now pull out one nail for each day that she was able to hold her temper. The days passed and the young girl was finally able to tell her mother that all the nails were gone.

The mother took her daughter by the hand and led her to the fence. She said, "You have done well, my daughter, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one."

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“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

~ Ambrose Bierce, journalist, satirist (1842-1914)

“Good sense makes a man restrain his anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression or an offense.”

~ Proverbs 19:11

Hearing and Heeding ~ Part III (A Collage)

“For to draw near to hear and obey is better than to give the sacrifice of fools [carelessly, irreverently]. . . .” ~ Ecclesiastes 5:1 (Amp)

“To know the will of God is the greatest knowledge, to find the will of God is the greatest discovery, and to do the will of God is the greatest achievement.” ~Author Unknown

“Whoever strives to withdraw from obedience, withdraws from grace.” ~ Thomas à Kempis

“Be still, and in the quiet moments, listen to the voice of your heavenly Father. His words can renew your spirit. No one knows you and your needs like He does.” ~ Janet L. Weaver

“The trouble with nearly everybody who prays is that they say ‘Amen’ and run away before God has a chance to reply. Listening to God is far more important than giving Him your ideas.” ~ Frank Laubach

(This next story reminds me of a comment Keen’s sister Kihm made after returning from a recent trip to New York: “You can see the birds, you just can’t hear them.”)

The Cricket
Author Unknown

A Native American and his friend were in downtown New York City, walking near Times Square in Manhattan. It was during the lunch hour and the streets were filled with people. Cars were honking their horns, taxicabs were squealing around corners and sirens were wailing; the sounds of the city were almost deafening. Suddenly, the Native American said, "I hear a cricket."

His friend said, "What? You must be crazy. You couldn't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!"

"No, I'm sure of it," the Native American said, "I heard a cricket."

The Native American listened carefully for a moment, and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a small cricket.

His friend was utterly amazed. "That's incredible – you must have superhuman ears!"

"No," said the Native American. "My ears are no different from yours. It all depends on what you're listening for."

"But that can't be!" said the friend. "I could never hear a cricket in this noise."

"Yes, it's true," came the reply. "It depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk. And then, with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears, they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs.

"See what I mean?"

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“The voices of the world are loud and sparse, but the voice of God is a constant whisper.”~ Benjamin J. Elger

“The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.” ~George Elliot

“And beloved, if our consciences (our hearts) do not accuse us – if they do not make us feel guilty and condemn us – we have confidence (complete assurance and boldness) before God.” ~ I John 3:21 (Amp)
“And it is the (Holy) Spirit Who bears witness, because the (Holy) Spirit is the Truth.” ~ I John 5:7

“Why do you call Me Lord, Lord and do not practice what I tell you? For every one who comes to Me and listens to My words (in order to heed their teaching) and does them, I will show you what he is like; He is like a man building a house, who dug and went down deep, and laid a foundation upon the rock; and when a flood arose, the torrent broke against that house and could not shake or move it, because it had been securely built – founded on a rock.” ~ Luke 6:46-48

“Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.” ~ Psalm. 51:6

“For whatever does not originate and proceed from faith is sin – that is, whatever is done without a conviction of its approval by God is sinful.” ~ Romans 14:23b

“I am the good Shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own. . . My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me . . . .” ~ John 10:14, 27 (NKJV)

“At the command of the Lord they remained encamped, and at [His] command they journeyed; they kept the charge of the Lord, at the command of the Lord by Moses.” ~ Numbers 9:23

“It is a vain thought to flee from the work that God appoints us, for the sake of finding a greater blessing, instead of seeking it where alone it is to be found - in loving obedience.” ~ George Eliot

Listening To God
By Connie Campbell Bratcher (used by permission)

Sometimes we talk too much
To hear what God would say.
Other times we're preoccupied
With activities of the day.
Oh, how we need to just be quiet,
And listen with our hearts
To what the Holy Spirit speaks-
The truth that He imparts.
He speaks to us through nature,
Where we see His mighty hand.
He speaks through our circumstances,
And through our fellowman.
Through a still small voice within,
We hear what He would say,
As we look to Him for guidance,
Along our pilgrim way.
But, we need to always examine
That which we have heard,
Making sure it's in accordance
With His Holy Written Word-
For God never directs contrary
To what is written there.
The law He gave so long ago
Still applies to all everywhere.
Father, thank You that as we listen,
Your Spirit leads us right,
Impressing the message on our Hearts
That's written in black and white.

Connie Campbell Bratcher

"This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then shalt thou have good success." ~ Joshua 1:8
Many thanks to Connie Bratcher for permission to share her poem. You may read more of Connie’s poems at http://www.inspirationalpoetry.com.

“…and after the fire [a sound of gentle stillness and] a still, small voice.” ~ I Kings 19:12

Hearing and Heeding ~ Part II

This is what the Lord says, He who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it - the Lord is His name. "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." ~ Jeremiah 33:2-3

To continue with the theme from last week’s column, Keen and I have seen this business of listening to our hearts work both for and against us, depending on whether we just “heard,” or whether we also chose to “heed.” Here’s another example: Back when we were waiting for the Supreme Court to hand down a decision in our lawsuit, a case very similar to ours came up for review. The case involved a tow truck driver from Illinois named John Gratzianna whose company was removed from the towing rotation after he decided not to support the local mayor’s campaign for reelection. This case was often referred to as a “sister case” to ours. In fact, the Supreme Court Justices handed down a favorable ruling in both cases on June 28, 1996, by the exact same margin – 7 to 2. (Justices Scalia and Thomas dissented.)

I said all that to say this: Due to our interest in the outcome of the Gratzianna case, I decided to fly to D.C. to attend the oral arguments. Since Keen wasn’t able to get away from the trash business (and Southwest Airlines was running a special two-for-one sale), I decided to take our son Josh along. I thought it would be a good educational experience for him. Well, it was an educational experience all right, in more ways than one. As I was preparing for the trip, I had the strongest feeling that we should make arrangements to stay in a hotel during our visit, rather than staying at my brother Bob’s house. (Bob is the one who successfully argued our case at the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals, and again at the United States Supreme Court.) However, when I mentioned my plan to Bob, he insisted that we stay with them and save ourselves the expense of a hotel. Still, I could not deny this nagging feeling that it would be better for everyone if we made our own arrangements for separate accommodations. So I called one of the hotels in D.C. and discovered that they were all booked. Rather than continuing my quest to locate a hotel that had a vacancy, I decided to override the still, small voice.

To make a long story short, everything about the trip was great, except for the fact that Josh and I did not have our own hotel room. Bob was occupied with work, of course, so after the oral arguments were concluded, Josh and I were left with no other option except to wander the streets of D.C. like two vagabonds. To make matters worse, the weather was cold and rainy, and I only had a thick sweater for outerwear. We visited several museums, and eventually resorted to returning to the museums just to get out of the weather. If only we had booked a hotel, we could have been waiting for Bob in the comfort of our room, enjoying a good movie and a pizza.
A year later, Josh was in a serious car accident prior to a football game at Wabaunsee High. He and three of his friends went for a ride with a fellow student whom he didn’t know very well. Before they headed out on Highway 99, the driver insisted that all of the passengers put on their seatbelts. Five minutes later, the driver met an oncoming car while attempting to pass on a curve. The car rolled several times, landing on its roof and leaving all four young men dangling from their seatbelts. Thank God no one was seriously injured. Several days later, I asked Josh if he had any kind of a hesitation or “red light” feeling (pardon the pun) about getting into that car, and he acknowledged that he had.

Other examples of lessons learned the hard way include cross-country family road trips we planned in advance and later had an undeniable feeling of unrest and consternation about our plans. Nevertheless, we didn’t think that we could possibly back out at the last minute and disappoint our family members who were anxiously awaiting our arrival. So once again we made the ill-fated decision to veto our better judgment and journey onward, only to be met with disastrous consequences such as miserable, rainy weather, forcing 40 people indoors, sick children (i.e. vomiting, ear infections that lasted for months), family feuds (either between ourselves or other family members), and other unpleasant experiences too numerous to mention.

I would be remiss not to mention that there are just as many examples of situations where we have averted potentially catastrophic circumstances by heeding that still, small voice. As I mentioned earlier, it works both ways. Case in point: the time that Keen woke up at 12:30 a.m. with an overwhelming and specific sense that someone had done something to damage our trash truck. He immediately got dressed and went to his shop to investigate. After confirming that the tires had not been slashed, he warily started the truck, paying special attention to the gauges. That’s when he noticed that his oil gauge wasn’t moving, and he immediately turned the truck off before our $10,000 engine was ruined. Keen’s premonition was right on the money; someone had sabotaged our truck in the middle of the night by draining all the oil out of it. But their plan was averted, thanks be to God, and Keen’s trash truck was back up and running that same afternoon.

The bottom line is this: while we may not be able to avoid every negative or unfortunate happenstance in our lives, I do believe that we serve a loving God who will utilize any means possible to help His children.

Whether we heed His counsel or not is up to us.

“Today, if you would hear His voice, and when you hear it, do not harden your hearts.” ~ Hebrews 4:7b

Hearing and Heeding ~ Part I

View of Alma


“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does.”

~ James 1:22-25 (NKJV)

Several weeks ago I shared some lessons in listening from the course I took on mediation at Johnson County Community College. During that time, I wrote the following column about a similar theme involving listening to God. Finding myself short on time and inspiration this week, I thought I would share it.

One definition of the word “hear” is to learn by being told. The definition of the word “heed” is to pay attention, listen to and consider. As the above Bible verse indicates, God doesn’t want us to have a mere intellectual knowledge of His Word; He wants us to listen and learn; hear and heed. On the other hand, God doesn’t just give us a laundry list of do’s and don’ts, either. He wants to provide us with valuable guidance and direction in our everyday lives.

“God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer.” ~ Mother Teresa

Many people question whether anyone can actually “hear” from God. Well, I don’t have any formal training, but I’d like to share my personal experiences and thoughts on the issue.

First and foremost, I believe that every human being is comprised of three parts: 1) the mental/mind, soul; 2) the spiritual/spirit; and 3) the physical/body. And since we’ve all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, our carnal nature will always be at war with our spiritual nature.

“But I say, walk and live habitually in the Holy Spirit – responsive to and controlled and guided by the Spirit; then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh – of human nature without God.For the desires of the flesh are opposed to the Holy Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are opposed to the flesh (Godless human nature); for these are antagonistic to each other – continually withstanding and in conflict with each other – so that you are not free but are prevented from doing what you desire to do.”

~ Galatians 5:16, 17

The good news is that Jesus paid the price for all of our sins by dying on the cross and being resurrected three days later (thank God for Easter!). Regardless of how many times we sin or how large our sins are, the 8th chapter of Romans tells us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. However, that doesn’t give us a license to live any way we’d like. Romans 8 goes on to say that we are to be governed by the dictates of the Holy Spirit, not by the dictates of our flesh, because the mind of the flesh (which is sense and reason without the Holy Spirit) is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace both now and forever.

The secret is learning to discern between your mind and emotions, and your heart, or your spirit. As Christians, we are Hid sheep, and He is the Good Shepherd. Because we trust Him not to lead us astray, we recognize His voice and follow wherever He leads.

“For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.” ~ Romans 8:14 (KJV)

This past weekend I purchased a book titled Mother Angelica’s Little Book of Life Lessons and Everyday Spirituality. A sample quote on the back of the book caught my attention: “If you are following God, He never shows you the end. It’s always a walk of faith.”

But just exactly how are we led by the Spirit of God? Well, I believe God speaks to us in a still, small voice. Some people refer to it as a hunch, sixth sense or gut reaction; while others may call it their conscience, instinct, or women’s intuition. It’s that “certain something” you can’t really put your finger on which causes you to feel reluctant or uneasy. And if you try to find logical reasons for why you feel the way you do, you will generally come up short. That’s where faith comes in.

“The spirit of man [that factor in human personality which proceeds immediately from God] is the lamp of the Lord. . . .”

~ Proverbs 20:27

In our personal experience, Keen and I have found that when we have a “red light” or a “don’t-go-there” sense about something and we do it anyway, we almost always regret it (deeply). On the other hand, if we have a “green light” or an “all-systems-go” feeling about something and we go through with it, things work out the way they were meant to and we never have any regrets.

I would have to say that this next Bible verse, which is one of my all-time favorites, best describes the concept of listening to and following your heart/spirit:

“And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from the Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts – deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds [in that peaceful state] to which [as members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful – appreciative, giving praise to God always.”

~ Colossians 3:15 (AMP)

Here’s a good example. Two months after Keen and I were married in 1978, I became pregnant. Seven months later we decided we wanted to move away from the hustle and bustle of the Twin Cities in Minnesota and relocate to the country life in Alma, Kansas. Now to most of our friends and family, that decision didn’t make any sense at all. We were moving across country with a baby on the way and no job waiting for us. But Keen and I both felt peace in our hearts about it, and that was all we needed to make that giant leap of faith and trust that God would provide for all of our needs. And He did. After making $2500 profit on the sale of our first little cracker box house, we had just enough to rent a Ryder truck and give us some money to live on until Keen found work. Then Keen’s folks had a house which they rented to us for a very reasonable price, so that gave us a place to live. Now here we are, twenty-nine years later, still happily enjoying the serenity of our country life in Alma, Kansas.

To be continued next week . . . .

Country Road in front of our home in Alma

Patricia Revisited - Part II

“They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~ Isaiah 40:28-31


A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.

Written by Charlie Daniels for his friend, Ronnie Van Zant of the band, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Since Patricia passed away, several people have had vivid dreams about her. In one case, Patricia’s friend Roxy saw Patricia smiling and waving. “C’mon! C’mon!” she exclaimed enthusiastically. (Roxy said that made her a little nervous!)

Martha wrote to me about the following dream her partner Jenifer had:

“It’s a party and Patricia is there with all her friends. She is dead, but just the same there and enjoying being with her dear ones. She looks radiantly happy. She and Jen talk – no one else can see her (it is, after all, Jenifer’s dream); she tells Jenifer that everything is wonderful. Jenifer asks if she knows the meaning and purpose of life now. Patricia laughs that wonderful Patricia laugh and says, “Oh, I can’t tell you that!” Jenifer replies that she doesn’t want her to tell her what the meaning and purpose of life is, just if Patricia knows what it is, and with another laugh she says, “Well, of course!” I like to remember the story, hear that laugh in my heart, and choose to believe that she is radiantly happy and watching over us and right here with us when we need her.”

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Earlier this month Nikki had an unusual experience which she has permitted me to share:

“Tonight I lit the huge purple candle that I'm lighting every night this month and talked with God. Mostly expressing my thanks for all the gifts I have received in my life and for the people who have touched my heart in countless ways. Then I asked God to take care of those who could use an extra dose of love, care, and compassion. And so, I believe all is in God's hands and heart.

Then as I was talking to God I shifted and started to talk to Patricia – telling her what was in my heart and thanking her for sharing with me the best 15 years of my life. I told her I
never came close to knowing an angel until I met her. Then I started to wonder and began asking some basic questions, (earthly ones of course), in hopes that I might gain some insight into the mystery of what's in the great beyond.

In my wonderings I asked how she was and who she's hanging out with, like her mother, grandmother, God, other Angels....... Next, I asked her if she had a job and what kind of job it was.

Then a huge glow came from my heart and landed on my face as I saw for an instant Patricia teaching other angels how to line dance and two-step. I laughed with great delight and was full of joy. Of course as I was trying to make sense of what I glimpsed, I wondered how Angels, who are known to be light on their feet, could stomp to the music, and if they had halos or wings, if it interfered with the dancing. I know this sounds silly but it's the first time I laughed this hard with so much joy in my heart in a very long time. I suppose Angels might need to take time off to have some fun. (Another earthly thought.)

Patricia loved to dance and she glowed when she was on the dance floor. Maybe the next time I have a glimpse I'll see her ice skating with angels too. These were two of her favorite things to do.

Sending this to you with much love. I hope you enjoy the vision of Patricia dancing with Angels as much as I did.

You are in my heart and prayers.

Love,
Nikki

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After reading last week’s column, Patricia’s dear friend Caroline emailed me the following response: (Thanks for allowing me to share this, Caroline.)

Dear Eileen,

First, I absolutely loved your poem and the pictures and all the stories about Patricia, friends, and family. Tears. Good tears.

You know I have to say, I don't miss Patricia every day now. Just most days. A few weeks ago I was cleaning out some things in my room and I ran across her handwriting and then some pictures and then a couple cards. I was smiling and remembering and all of a sudden out of what seemed like nowhere I was flooded, absolutely flooded with tears of grief. It was profound and deep. Odd how that happens. Amazing, too. A gift of sorts. I wanted to call Nikki, but I didn't want to take her to where I was, but when the tears wouldn't stop I just had to call her. She was busy painting the house, but she took the time to listen. And she cried, too, and she was so glad that I called. I could feel it. I think sometimes she (and probably you and your sisters, especially) think that maybe some of us have forgotten. At the same time, I'm sure you know we haven't.

That's all. Thank you so much for sharing your life and your heart with us. We are all blessed for the presence of each other in our lives.

With love,
Caroline

***********************

In closing, I would once again like to share this poignant quote, compliments of my friend Tom Parker, the deepest thinker and greatest writer I know. Tom is the author of Dispatches From Kansas (available at Amazon.com). He also writes a weekly newspaper column which he posts on his blog at http://dispatchesfromkansas.blogspot.com.

“. . . I’ve reached that age where I understand life is finite, that it can be taken away in the next breath, and the realization is less disturbing than it is enriching. That we cannot see far down our trail is our good fortune, for the journey itself is the important thing. We can examine our lives and look back over our past and try to peer into the future but it¹s the step by step by step that gets us nearer to our destination, the placing one foot before the other and the locomotion thereof.

We stand in the gateway, cast one last look behind, shoulder our packs and pass through. The old behind us, the new ahead, and us unapprised of what tidings it brings. The trail goes on. . .”


Patricia and Nikki on Patricia's 54th birthday, 2004, four months before her death

Patricia Revisited - Part I

“This letting go process is not for wimps.”
~ Nikki

Last weekend my four sisters, Peggy, Connie, Joanne, and Mary, held a mini-reunion in Kansas City. On Saturday we enjoyed a wonderful dinner hosted by my brother Bill and his wife, Connie, at their home in Olathe. Connie prepared a feast which was served on our late mother’s good china. The table setting also included Mom’s good silver, so that made the gathering even more meaningful.



From left to right - Joanne, Eileen, Mary, Connie & Peggy
Front Row - Our host and hostess with the "Most and Mostess" - Brother Bill & wife, Connie

The special guest for the evening was Katelyn Seraphina Umbehr, accompanied by her parents, Josh and Lisa. (By the way, Katelyn just learned that she’s going to be a big sister in October!)


Katelyn entertained the guests for hours with her smiles, giggles, waves, and kisses. Her aunts were so thrilled to finally get the chance to meet and hug little Katelyn.

Katelyn with her new Easter bonnet and purse

Katelyn clapping hands on Daddy's lap

Katelyn kissing Mommy

On Friday night Nikki called from Whidbey Island at the start of the evening filled with memories of Patricia on the 2nd anniversary of her death. It was great to be able to connect with Nikki that way. We sang a couple of songs over the phone and read a tribute that our niece Naomi wrote for Patricia. (Naomi lives in Minnesota and is Connie’s oldest daughter. She is also the mother of Connie’s 7-year old granddaughter, Kelsey Constance.)

Naomi (on left as a child) and Kelsey on right

Naomi gave me permission to share her thoughts:

March 23, 2007

My celebration of Aunt Patricia’s’ life took place at the Mississippi River right in my back yard. It’s a beautiful spring day here with the birds chirping, geese flying home and splashing into the river; even heard a few woodpeckers doing their thing.

I found my place, lit my candle and took a seat in the sand. (Yes, still a bit cold.) The river had risen in the past week since I had last been there. I was amazed by the power of the water. The ice and branches all flowing downriver so fast; with no particular outcome and so many possible destinations!

It got me thinking of life, (mine in particular), and how it seemed to be doing just that, going with the flow. The power of the water (life) mesmerized me. How does anyone fight that? How did Aunt Patricia? She saw the best and beautiful in everyone and everything around her and was always so full of laughter and happiness!

That is when I saw it. Against the flow of the melting Mississippi, came the bravest, cutest baby beaver I had ever seen! (Especially so close.) I burst into tears and laughter at the same time. At that moment I realized she was with me and I heard the sweetest voice telling me, “It’s spring and all things are new, it’s never too early or too late to go against the flow in search of happiness. There is nothing stopping you!”

Even now after you’ve been gone from us, you still find a way to inspire and uplift. Thank you, Aunt Patricia. I love you… Naomi

Naomi's "visitor"

After Patricia’s passing, my friend Kat wrote to me and said:

Eileen....

It is fortunate for us that you are gifted at grieving ~ in prose. So many of the things you have written or copied from songs, scripture, and poetry have touched me deeply.

Since my mother died in December, I am reminded of her in so many little ways.....and of course, in the big ones. Reading your words about your sister's early passing from this earthly place, and from your family simply allows me to feel what I need to, and also to be thankful, like you, that I had the privilege of knowing this wonderful woman, of being alive, of loving and losing, and for all the pieces that continue to fall into place along the journey....

After reading last week’s column about Patricia, Kat shared the following insights:

You know, as a science teacher I continuously make (personal) connections between spirituality and the purity and balance of nature. These help me deal with the loss of my mother as well as others close to my heart.

I hope they help you, too.

Water comes in three distinct shapes and forms.
There's ice ~ solid, clear, defined;
Water ~ fluid, shapeless, agile;
And water vapor ~ invisible, omnipresent, weightless.

Water couldn't return to the atmosphere in any shape other than gas without severely disturbing the inhabitants of this planet! (Think about water returning to the sky as rain.... stay on the sidewalk!)

We know that water vapor is around us all the time...sometimes in huge percentages, other times just a tad. Still....it's there. A solid that's now invisible and as light as the breeze. A glass of water that's now everywhere and not even wet!

How brilliant God is!

Patricia is now free to experience the beauty all around us, to be a part of all that she held so dear.

I know this ceremony will be a tremendous experience for everyone.

My thoughts are with you, Eileen.

Love,
Kat

************************

This next poem was printed onto a photo of Patricia taking pictures at Chiricuhua National Park in Arizona during a visit with Victoria (“Magic Dance”) and her partner Janice.


The poem was written by Victoria:

By the power of every moment of her goodness
May her soul’s brightest wishes be fulfilled
As magnificently as each sunset she captured,
As completely as the shining full moon.

For all in whose hearts dwells respect,
Who have known Patricia’s wisdom and humanity,
May their lives prosper together in the blessings
Of her generosity, compassion and strength.

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
Pour into the rivers and join together in the oceans,
So may the power of every moment of her goodness
Blow forth to heal the hearts of all those who miss her.

Nikki and Patricia

Finally, I found this Irish blessing on the internet recently. Nikki decided to read it last Friday when Patricia’s ashes were spread at Ebey’s Landing:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you waken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry –
I am not there, I did not die.


Sunset on Mazatlan's shores one year after Patricia's passing

Sad Remembrance

“I go and prepare a place for you . . . that where I am, there you may be also.” ~ John 14:1-3 (NKJV)


Through Your Eyes
By Eileen Umbehr

This Friday marks two years ago
Since we had to say good-bye
Your passing came without warning
And all we could do was cry

But how could we protest
When you died in such a way
Laughing and swimming with all of your friends
On Mazatlan’s shores that day


And who could ever forget
The sunset you caught the night before
Or how you saved it on your computer
And named it, “What I came here for.”


Although your death seemed so tragic in many ways,
In other ways it was eerily fitting
That one such as you – a lover of life
Would die while truly living.


Now your ashes will be spread at the water’s edge
With Nikki surrounded by her circle of friends
While the rest of the Van Kirk family
Gathers in spirit and love that transcends


We love you and miss you, Patricia
Our continuing grief we cannot disguise
But in honor of your childlike love of life,
We’ll strive to see God’s world through your eyes.



“It takes a lot of imagination to be a good photographer. You need less imagination to be a painter, because you can invent things. But in photography, everything is so ordinary; it takes a lot of looking before you learn to see the ordinary.”

~ David Bailey




“She hated to be in front of the camera. She wanted to be behind it. She wanted to be snapping pictures of Connor's funny faces.


She wanted to catch me with my hand on the back of my swimsuit, after a nose dive onto the sand. She wanted to say "Get closer together! Zach! Lean in!" – as the cousins laughed, and tried to hold photogenic smiles.


She wanted to create collages, calendars, greeting cards – each bearing a bit of her heart – a bit of her spirit, joy, and passion. She wanted to be outside her home, taking the most fantastic pictures of birds, of green fields, of the people she lived for.


It makes my head reel and hurt and my fingers go numb, grabbing tissue after tissue after tissue to soak up tears, to soak up memories, to soak up the muffled sound of my mother saying, ‘Patricia,’ into my dad's shoulder.”

~ Amy Jo O’Connor, niece

Nikki & Patricia

The November after Patricia’s death, her partner Nikki held a gathering on Whidbey Island with several dear friends from Seattle (Bev, Caroline, Terry, Felicia, Sylvia, Diana, and family), and Whidbey Island (Roxy, Laura, Jan, Kat, Shawn, Lucy et al), to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday and what would have been Patricia's 55th birthday. They spent the day story telling, collage making, rock painting, and walking Ebey’s Landing (one of Patricia’s favorite places on Whidbey Island).


The day ended with singing and the lighting of 55 candles in honor of Patricia’s life and memory.


This Friday Nikki will be gathering once again at Ebey’s Landing with all of the loving friends she shared with Patricia (including Martha from Alaska, who described Patricia as "My dearest friend of the heart"). Here is the invitation she sent asking us to join them:

My dear family and friends,

My thoughts and prayers are with you as we approach the second anniversary of Patricia's passing. My heart wishes you continued peace and healing and pure joy of the memories you hold of our dear Patricia. She lives in each of us.

On March 23rd I plan to scatter Patricia's ashes at Ebey's Landing, a peaceful, beautiful place on Whidbey Island, where Patricia loved to walk and take in the sunsets. One late summer evening Patricia and I went to Ebey's Landing to chase the sun as it was going down and suddenly we came to the end of the path just missing the sunset as it disappeared behind the bluff. A huge pine tree stood in front of us and when we looked up, right over our heads, almost at arms reach, we saw two bald eagles staring down at us. Eye to eye. I'm sure you can imagine the sheer glee and the quiet squeal-whispers Patricia tried so hard to hold in so as not to disturb our new feathered friends! What an awesome moment of pure joy for both of us. Whenever I go to Ebey’s Landing I can hear Patricia's giggle and feel her absolute love and delight for life, family, friends, blue skies, sunsets, eagles, fresh air, and all the beauty that surrounded us that day. Today I find peace knowing her spirit is always near.

I invite you to join me on March 23rd. I know many of you may not be able to come to Whidbey so I will take you with me in spirit to the sacred circle near the tree of the bald eagles to remember and celebrate Patricia's life and the precious and loving ways she touched each of us. If you have a passage or poem you would like read feel free to let me know.

Thank you for all your love, prayers and support during these past two years. I hold you dearly in my heart.

Love, Nikki



My Sister, My Friend
By Joanne O’Connor, sister

Patricia, Patty, Patty Paprika
My sister and friend
As children and women
Memories, laughter, crocodile tears
Too few years
To know and love you
And though I know you’re
“Dancing with the Angels”
How my heart will miss you
My sister, my friend
Joanne, Janny, Jan


Say not in grief that she is no more
But say in thankfulness that she was
A death is not the extinguishing of a light
But the putting out of the lamp
Because the dawn has come.

~Tagore

********

Nine Minus One
Eileen Umbehr

Nine minus one
I don’t like that equation
Nine minus one isn’t right
We’re a family
And families always stay together
“Patricia’s lost,” Keen said.
I wanted to physically push the words back
Back through the air to where they came from.
“We lost our Patricia today,” Nikki said.
“Why did you tell me that, Daddy?” Caitlyn asked.
Kyle cried. Right before his birthday.
We all cried.
We cried together.
And now we cry again
As a family of eight
Instead of nine
Five girls
And three boys
Just isn’t right
Our circle is lopsided now
Without our Patricia

Nine minus one . . .Nine minus one

Will we ever get used to this?



“We will miss her beyond what words can say. However, I believe her spirit is now with us all, and we will never truly be without her . . . I hope and pray that Patricia will experience in eternal life what she has shared with us in her earthly life: God’s great strength, eternal peace, and immense joy. Peace, Patricia.”

~ Joe Van Kirk, brother

*******
There’s a gathering of spirits
There’s a festival of friends
And we’ll take up where we left off
When we all meet again. . . .

Just east of Eden
But there’s heaven in our midst
And we’re never really all that far
From those we love and miss


The Gathering of Spirits ~ recorded by Carrie Newcomer (with Alison Krauss)

Love Lost

”How fair is your love . . .my spouse! How much better than wine is
your love . . .” ~ Song of Songs 4:10 (NKJV)

Through a collection of poems, this week’s column will be dealing with the subject of grief, an emotion we all experience at one time or another in our life.

Six years ago, Keen and I were celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary at our favorite hideaway, The Cottage House Bed and Breakfast in Council Grove, Kansas. We always reserve the same room – the Honeymoon Suite that has a veranda where we like to relax while we enjoy our breakfast. Before we check out, I always record a few comments in the guest book/journal. That year I wrote a short poem about our favorite room.

209
Friend of Mine
Peaceful quiet
So sublime
Love renewed
Memories refreshed
Restoration
Blessed rest

As we paged through the guest book, Keen and I enjoyed reading some of the past entries. Some guests wrote predictable comments such as: “Had a great time. Thanks for the rose and card. This is a beautiful setting.” But others shared glimpses into their lives and hearts and emotions. We read about one couple who had been considering divorce, but felt their love had been rekindled during their stay. Another woman wrote about all the tragedy their family had experienced in the past year. She said she also gained 20 pounds since their wedding and felt so sad about it. But her husband said, “Let me be your mirror.” It was very touching.

But the most poignant entry was written a year earlier by a pediatrician from Wichita named Dwight Lindholm. Dwight wrote a heartrending poem titled “Beyond,” which was about the tragic death of his infant son, Andrew. When Keen and I returned home, I got in touch with the Lindholm’s to let them know how moved we were by his poem, and we’ve been exchanging Christmas cards ever since. Recently I contacted the Lindholm’s by email and asked permission to share Dwight’s comments and poem in my column. I am happy to report that they graciously agreed. Dwight’s wife Pam also informed me that they are expecting another little blessing this October.

Dwight and Pam Lindholm and Family

Here are Dwight’s comments and poem dated 6-6-2000 – 6-9-2000:

We were here to regroup. This has given us time to share with each other, assimilating our present situation following the death of our son (April 8, 2000) as an infant. It’s also our belated 1st anniversary celebration (April 17, 2000).

God had given us grace to work through the loss. The day of the funeral God provided Pam and I the same message separately from different places in the Bible – “by faith we stand,” from II Corinthians 1:24 and Romans 5:2.

The grief is still there but knowing God cares and that we will see Andrew again in Heaven gives us hope.

While here we saw the historical sites around town. We also visited the lake and the National Prairie Park. This is Pamela’s first visit here. It is also my first since the loss of my first wife to breast cancer over 4 years ago. This was a perfect tranquil setting to be still and to relate to each other at every level.

Beyond

Beyond the stain glass window I can’t see
But hear the birds chirping with glee
Beyond the closed door sleeps my bride
A virtuous woman who gives me pride

Beyond the clouds are Heaven’s portals high
Way above this open prairie sky

Does my God care for me so small?
Yes, He does, why doubt at all?
He sent the birds to give me glee,
He sent my wife to stand by me

God gives me hope of heavenly realms
A home for all who here have God at their helm

Though I can’t see God as I see man
I know He’s here by the work of His hand
Why else would we have a beautiful earth?
Why else would our soul yearn for a second birth?

As each day goes by I love Pam more
More as we struggle, as life’s clouds pour
More as ones dear are washed away
More through the fear before night becomes day

So give me your hand, my precious wife
And we’ll go hand in hand through this perilous life
Though we can’t see more than a step at a time
We can walk boldly with Jesus as yours and mine

With much love to my precious wife Pam,
Dwight Lindholm

(I wrote this next poem for a friend of ours who lost his wife to Lou Gehrig’s disease. It is based on an actual conversation.)

Half Long Enough
By Eileen Umbehr

How long has it been?
I asked him that day
Since your precious wife
Sadly passed away

It will be two years
Come May 7th
Since the good Lord
Took her to Heaven

I’m so sorry for your loss
Are you doing all right?
I miss her very much
And I still cry every night

Although I was blessed
To share those fifty years
It wasn’t half long enough
For someone so dear

She was the center of my life
And she was the glue
That held our family together
No matter what we went through

I always thought I would go first
And I told her to remarry
But now she’s been taken
And I’m the one to tarry

I’m left alone with my memories
But I’m thankful for our love
And the life we shared together
Though not half long enough

*********************

Before My Mother Died
By Connie Hinnen Cook

Before my Mother died
Daddy always had a smile,
Fun-loving, playful, upbeat ~
"carefree joy" described his style.

Each day when he came home from work
you'd hear his happy song,
The men who worked beside him said
he whistled all day long!

He looked for folks that he could bless
and hugged each who came near,
Townfolk would rush up to his side
to hear his jokes and cheer.

His love was unconditional,
he spread it far and wide ~
Yes, Daddy was a different man
before my Mother died.

After her death I never saw
that glee once in his eyes...
To me, Daddy seemed haunted
by a ghost that never dies.

Daddy went Home on August 12th,
his suffering is no more ~
But in my heart I feel he "died"
eleven years before.

And when the prayers for me have stopped
and sorrow takes its toll,
I'll find my peace and comfort
that now, Daddy is made whole.

He's once again with Mother,
and with Jesus by his side...
Daddy is now the man I knew
before my Mother died.

"Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death." ~ Song of Songs 8:6 (KJV)

I’d like to close with part of a prayer that has been attributed to St. Patrick. It is called “Lorica” – named for a Roman coat of armor that is meant for the protection of the one wearing it.

I arise today through God’s strength to pilot me
God’s might to uphold me
God’s wisdom to guide me
God’s eye to look before me
God’s ear to hear me
God’s word to speak for me
God’s hand to guard me.

Word Count

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.” ~Prov. 17:27-28

This past weekend I made a blunder with my words that reminded me of how powerful words can be and the positive – and negative – affect they can have on others.

“Every word you speak boosts someone’s hope a bit, or kills it just a little.” ~ John Ortberg

Although I didn’t mean what I said the way it sounded, that didn’t seem to matter.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge it shall eat the fruit of it (for death or life).” ~ Poverbs 18:21

That’s why it’s so important to think BEFORE we speak!

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. . . .” ~ James 1:19

I know this column is a little heavy on Bible verses, but this next section from the third chapter of James addresses this subject so thoroughly. And since I don’t think I’m the only person who has trouble controlling their tongue, I decided to include it.

“For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. Indeed, we put bits in horses' mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things.

See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh. . . .

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”

Finally, since I’ve been trying to “count my words” in another way by limiting my Reflections columns to around 1,000 words, I’m going to close by sharing two letters which illustrate the positive impact our words can have on the lives of those we love.

My niece Mimi wrote this first letter to her younger sister Jessica:

Dear Jessica,

I never thought writing a letter like this would be so hard. There's so much I want to say, but will I be able to find the right words?

I can't even begin to describe how happy I am that we have become such good friends. I finally learned to let go of whatever was keeping me from knowing the most amazing person I have ever met and will ever meet. You truly do amaze me, Jessica. You are the only person I know who is capable of anything. You're so full of talent, charisma, and kindness, I don't know how you do everything you do. You just have this energy about you that glows. I know that you'll always be that way, helping others, and just being yourself.

Jessica, I want you to know that I am who I am today because of you. Even though you may not realize it, you helped me open up and showed me that it was okay to express my opinion, and it was okay to actually have a personality. (Imagine that!) I look up to you more than you'll ever know. You're smart, funny, beautiful, someone I can tell anything to, but most of all, you're my friend. No, you're my best friend. If I could somehow find my way to becoming even half the person you are, I would consider my life to be a success. So this letter is to you, Jessica... my hero.

Love always and forever,

Mimi

Mimi & Jessica (Then and Now)


Our third son, Keen II, wrote this next letter to his younger brother Kirk after Kirk found out that he didn’t make the basketball team:

Hey bro, what’s up man? Well I’m sure you’re sick of talking about it and everything but I gotta do what big brothers and family do. I just wanted to write you a little something to tell you that today life is full of disappointments but we show our character when we are able to handle them like a man. We’re Umbehr men and we handle our disappointments like men and move on. Why? Because we have something that not all your friends have in their lives. We have a God that loves us and wants what is 100% best for us. BE EXCITED KIRK! If God didn’t want you to play on that basketball team it is only because he has something 100 times better waiting for you. I don’t want to get preachy on you bro, but you know there is that verse that says “The eye has not seen, the ear has not heard, nor has entered into the mind of man what God has prepared for those who love him.” Seriously bro you can’t even imagine what might happen. Maybe you’ll end up taking this off season to get in contact with some serious paintball sponsors and look into hooking up with some semi-pro teams in the nation. Teams who will PAY YOU to play paintball instead of you paying them! Who knows what has been prepared for you, but it’s something special.

Love you, Bro -

Keen

“Pleasant words are as honey, sweet to the soul and health to the bones.” ~ Proverbs 16:24

Keen and Kirk Van (Then and Now)