As I prepare for my surgery this Wednesday, June 21st, I am overcome with gratitude to everyone who has sent a card or called to let me know that they have been praying for me. I have received unexpected, but welcome hugs from so many people who sincerely hope and pray that the surgery will go smoothly and my recovery will be swift. Even some of Keen’s colleagues and clients have added me to their prayer list! Best of all, I have made new friends in breast cancer survivors who were willing to share their personal experience with me. All of these things, along with my faith in God, have been a great source of encouragement.
"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. . .” Psalms 55:22
I also owe a special debt of gratitude to Keen’s sister Kihm who is coming to help me before, during, and after my surgery. This is an excerpt from the “real letter” Kihm sent me (as opposed to an email):
“Should you decide on surgery, I would like to offer my time to you. Basically, I work when I want to, and not working for an extended period of time is no problem. Help at home after you return from the hospital is essential! Please take an offer from someone or two or three for about 4-5 weeks after surgery. You will be so glad you did. I am available at your disposal. Whether you need or want me or not, know that I am upholding you vigilantly and constantly in prayer. Love always, Kihm.”
“A man has joy in making an apt answer, and a word spoken at the right moment, how good it is!” ~ Proverbs 15:23
Kihm’s handwritten note made me realize that she was truly sincere about wanting to help. After I told her that I would gratefully accept, she responded by saying that she was humbled and honored. Of course I told her that it was the other way around! I am the one who is humbled and honored that she would make such a huge sacrifice for me. And since she is a registered nurse, I feel especially blessed to be in such capable hands. God has truly provided for all my needs through friends and family members like Kihm.
This has been a difficult week for me. As the date for surgery draws near, the realization of what is going to happen has really started to sink in. The spouse of one breast cancer patient put it this way: “[The fight] takes you up, down, under, and around the full spectrum of physical, emotional, and mental dimensions.” (From the resource book “Show Me”, published by Penn State Medical Center) Last week Keen and I met with a woman who had a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction, and she was very straightforward about what is involved. The process of reconstruction is somewhat lengthy – about five months – and pretty uncomfortable. For most people, it is well worth the pain and trouble, but for me right now it feels like more than I’m prepared to handle, so I’ve decided to delay reconstruction at this time. I would like some time to heal from the emotional and physical aspects of the bilateral mastectomy first, then I can decide whether I want to go with a prosthesis (that fits inside a bra with a pocket in it), or whether I will opt for reconstruction surgery at a later date. Either way, they won’t be my real breasts,so it may not make a whole lot of difference.
In the meantime, I’ve been trying to picture myself without breasts so it won’t be such a shock – but it’s not easy. It’s kind of like trying to prepare for childbirth when you’ve never actually gone through it. But Keen has been unbelievably supportive throughout the entire, difficult process. He writes me encouraging notes to tell me how proud he is of the way I’m handling everything. The other day he taped one note to the bathroom mirror, and another note to the steering wheel of my car. It read: “I love you, Eileen Umbehr. You are the love of my life. Your beauty and grace give me the strength and courage to attack and defeat the dragons in our lives. Love, KAU.” After we made the decision to delay reconstruction, he sent me an email that read: “Embrace your freedom! You’ve earned it!” The other night we were talking in the hammock and I asked him if it was going to bother him to see me without breasts. “Not at all,” he replied, without skipping a beat. “Then I can hold on tighter.” Of course that brought tears to my eyes.. “Where do you come up with this stuff?” I asked. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” he answered. “I love you – the person on the inside. It’s what’s behind the breast that’s precious.” Keen said he believes that we’ll be closer than ever after this experience. That’s why I’m doing this – so that hopefully we can enjoy our love and life together for many, many more years to come.
“If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell.” ~Lance Armstrong
In closing, I’d like to share some more words of encouragement from “my old pal, Scott.” Once again, his thoughts are too good not to share. God bless you, Scott.
Dear Friend,
It seems like you are under a dark cloud these days--so many unexpected turns in the road. It must be nice to be someplace like Alma where you can get outside by yourself and scream your head off to release some tension. I'm a big believer in "scream therapy"!
It's interesting to me that you used the example of leg amputation to make your point to Keen. I have a co-worker whose husband was a hardcore biker before he became a Christian, and now he attends biker rallies around the country ministering to bike gang members. He and his wife are welcomed by some of the most dangerous groups in the country because they trust and respect him, and that enables him to preach the Gospel where no one else could. Recently, due to complications of diabetes, he had to have part of a leg amputated which made riding his motorcycle difficult. Friends pitched in to finance alterations (essentially, training wheels were installed) to his bike so that he would be able to continue to ride, and continue he did. His preaching became all the more effective and powerful due to his physical challenges. Since that time, he's lost part of the other leg, but his bike is outfitted with hand controls and he is still on the road preaching to his flock. As you said, "...we are not our breasts...," we are not our arms and legs either. It's all too natural that we identify with those things we can see and touch and feel, but we are much more than those things. What is the scripture that speaks of all the fullness of God being poured into these "weak earthen vessels"? Whatever happens to our bodies in this life, we live on as long as we can still contain the essence that God has poured into us, and life ends only when the vessel breaks and that which was poured into it is set free from containment. You, my friend, are a vessel that holds so much of God's greatness. The vessel may chip here and there, the handles may come off, but what you were fashioned to be--a vessel--remains, and we are all blessed because of you.
Eileen, you are facing some difficult days. Lean on your family and friends; let them be close to you. Sometimes we just want to crawl off by ourselves and isolate, but that accomplishes nothing but rejection of those people best equipped to lighten your load. Hold tight to them, and remember Keen's words: this is not a plank, it's a bridge.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you . . .I have called you by your name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned or scorched, nor shall the flame kindle upon you. For I am the Lord your God." ~Isaiah 43:1b-3a
Kihm Umbehr Blount
