Who I Am (and who I'm not)

“A friend loveth at all times….”
~ Proverbs 17:17 (KJV)

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
'Cause I know exactly who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

Lyrics to “Who I Am” ~ performed by Jessica Andrews

“This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
~ Shakespeare-Hamlet

Over the years, I have often contemplated the meaning of friendship and wondered whether I fit the criteria of what a good friend is or should be, in the traditional sense of the word. My sister’s article mentioned that I can go into a store and come out with a friend, and that’s true. I have made many new friends simply by striking up a conversation. It’s just that I wouldn’t want to have them all over for supper!

Webster defines a friend as “…one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile.” In that regard, I guess I might qualify. I have many friends, both near and far, who are very dear to my heart. Yet, while most friends get together for lunch or coffee and talk on the phone regularly, for me it’s more of the exception, rather than the rule.

The problem is that I am an intensely private person, and that quality is not exactly conducive to meaningful, interactive relationships. Although I thoroughly enjoy visiting with people when I’m out and about and I love communicating through my writing, I am fiercely protective of my privacy when I’m at home. My home is a sacred haven of rest for me and my family.

I feel pretty certain that this is a source of disappointment many people in my life whom I consider to be a friend, but I just hope that they can accept me the way I am – idiosyncrasies and all.

I have had the same best friend since I was fifteen years old and I am privileged to have married my best friend and raise four sons with him. Keen has been my soul mate and confidante through all the changing seasons of our life. Consequently, if we have any free time at all in the midst of his hectic school schedule, we guard it jealousy and prefer to spend it together or with our family. To some people, that seems selfish. But I don’t think anyone should try to tell another person how to spend their free time – any more than they should tell them how to spend their money.

One Friend
performed by Dan Seals

I always thought you were the best
I guess I always will
I always felt that we were blessed
and I feel that way still
Sometimes we took the hard road
but we always saw it through
If I had only one friend left
I'd want it to be you

Sometimes the world was on our side
sometimes it wasn't fair
Sometimes it gave a helping hand
sometimes we didn't care
'Cause when we were together
it made the dream come true
If I had only one friend left
I'd want it to be you


Last month I took a day trip to the town of Barnes with two of my fellow writer friends, Dorothy Masters and Barbara Lerma, and we had lunch at a wonderful little café called Our Daily Bread. It is owned by Kayleen Drebes, another woman I became acquainted with after reading her poetry in the Topeka paper. Two of Dorothy’s friends, Tom Parker and Walt and LeNore Stumpf, joined us at the restaurant and we all enjoyed some delicious food, great conversation and a whole lot of laughter.

LeNore is a talented writer who has written several books. Tom is also a gifted writer who now shares his column with me via e-mail. His latest work was a heartwarming piece about his wife of thirty years, Lori. In that column, he included the following quote which seemed to tie in perfectly with my theme this week.

“This is the greatest gift: to know that someone sees you as you are and loves you anyway.”
~ Andrew Hudgins, in his prose poem “After the Lost War”

That is my hope – that those who I have been blessed to call friend, can see me as I am and love me anyway – despite the fact that I may not be as accessible as they would like.

I try to use my column as a vehicle to stay in touch with the people I care about and keep them up to date on the happenings of our life because otherwise it would be nearly impossible for me to communicate individually with everyone. And if I weren’t a bit of a loner, I wouldn’t have the time to reflect on my life and share those “reflections” with others.

Here’s a short poem I wrote a few weeks ago in an attempt to capture my feelings.

Who I Am
By Eileen Umbehr

I may not meet the expectations
Of everyone in my life
I may not win a big award
For best mother, friend or wife

But all I can do
Is what I can
And all I can be
Is who I am

So although you may not understand
Why I live my life as I do
Please try to accept me for who I am
And I will do the same for you

**********

I’d like to close with a poem titled “The Family Friend” written by Angie Forshee from Ozawkie. When I called to tell her how much I enjoyed her poem in the Kansas Plus section of The Topeka Capital-Journal, we talked as if we’d known each other our entire lives.

The Family Friend
By Angie Forshee

My mom introduced him
when I was just a kid
I knew of him,
but I didn’t know what he did.

I wanted to get to know him better,
this old family friend
I wanted so bad to call him,
but I didn’t know how or when

The years went by and we lost touch,
like old friends seem to do
But sometimes I would think of him,
when I was feeling blue

I started a life for myself
and wondered where and how he was
But never did I contact him,
there was always that excuse – because

I’m all grown up
and have a child of my own
I was ready for that step
So I invited him into my home

It took a while to contact him
because I didn’t know where to start
I felt we’d been separated for so long
and spent so many years apart

But after I made the call, I knew
he’d been there from the start
For you see, he was always
right there in my heart

I introduced him to my son
and now we visit him home once a week
I knew my life wasn’t complete
and he was the missing link

He’ll always be a part of Evan’s life
and the rest of mine
Now I know I didn’t have to make the call,
God was with me all the time.

Blessings to you, my friends ~
Eileen

P.S. The reason this came out early is because I'm getting a new computer and I have to give up my old one so that they can transfer all my information over to the new machine. After that, we'll be heading to Minnesota for a family reunion, so this will be my last column for a couple of weeks. I thank you for allowing me to express myself through this column, and I thank you all for your encouraging feedback. I'll talk to you in a couple of weeks. God bless ~ Eileen

Our Adventurer

“The light in the eyes [of him whose heart is joyful] rejoices the heart of others….”

~ Proverbs 15:30 (Amplified)

There's this love that is burning, deep in my soul
constantly yearning to get out of control, wanting to fly,
higher and higher; I can't abide, standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire, standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

“Standing Outside the Fire” ~ recorded by Garth Brooks

Last year I wrote a Reflections column about our third-born son, Keen II, but since I was just getting my feet wet, the article was short and didn’t go into very much detail. So today I’d like to write a more thorough birthday tribute to Keen.

The titles I chose for our other sons were: Jared – Our soldier; Josh – Our Entrepreneur and Kirk Van – Our Little Man. For Keen, I’ve chosen – Our Adventurer.

After reading through my journals from when Keen was growing up, I found several stories that illustrated his lifelong love of adventure – beginning at the tender age of two. At that time, our boys all shared one large bedroom. One morning Keener decided that his crib was too confining and somehow managed to do a cartwheel right over the railing of his crib!

Keen was always a little trooper. When he was only 2 ½ he would go sledding with his dad and brothers and haul his own plastic sled back up the hill all by himself. But he never complained a bit.

Here are several excerpts from the journal I kept for Keen:

February 14, 1987 (age 2 ½)
Keen is racing to boyhood – it just can’t get here soon enough for him. With two older brothers he wants to do everything he sees them do. He’s always used a cup with a lid on it, but now he wants to be big so he says, “No Keener cup, no Keener cup.” The other day he was standing by Josh’s two wheel bike saying, “Help me please, Daddy. Help me, pleeeease!”

**********

Keen is perpetual motion. He always wants to be on the go.
“Let’s go to shop and see Daddy, okay?”
“No, Keener, Daddy’s picking up trash.”
“Oh, rats!”

**********

Keener Bean – what can I say about him? He’s like that song from The Sound of Music. “How do you catch a wave upon the sand? How do you hold a moon beam in your hand?”

You don’t. That’s just it. Keen is uncontainable. He wants to go – be – live!

**********

February 16, 1988 (age 3 ½)
Today Keener said, “I know what I’m gonna be when I grow up. I’m gonna be a cop! I’m gonna have a gun and I’m gonna say, ‘Freeze!’”

**********

Last night at supper he finished eating his chicken leg and tossed it back onto the platter in the middle of the table. When it hit the platter he said, “It’s a three-pointer!” The boys said when he plays Nerf basketball with them and makes a basket he’ll say, “This guy can’t miss!” He really seems to enjoy sports.

**********

That certainly turned out to be the case. When Keen was about nine years old we enrolled him in a basketball camp at Washburn University. When they handed out awards on the last day Keen ended up with nine separate certificates. The coach made the comment, “What can we say? This kid just does it all.”

Keen really enjoyed the sport of basketball throughout high school, and he was good at it, too. But his true talent proved to be in the area of running. In his senior year in cross-country he was undefeated the entire season and ultimately won the State Cross-Country Championship.

A few years ago, Keen and his dad and brother all took scuba diving lessons together and took a couple of trips to Table Rock, Missouri. Keen went beyond the basic training course and earned two advanced level certifications, including rescue diver.

This past year has been one of particularly “high” excitement for our adventurer. Without telling his mom and dad (until it was too late for either of us to object), Keen enrolled in sky diving classes at K-State and went on a couple of jumps. Be still my heart! I couldn’t believe it! But he thoroughly enjoyed the thrilling experience. Thankfully, he’s decided not to make a lifelong hobby out of it; sort of one of those “been there, done that” things.

Keen’s latest attempt to satisfy his thirst for adventure has come in the form of a brand new motorcycle. (Okay, for all you motorcycle enthusiasts, it’s a Yamaha YZF R6 SS.) Keen works for the State in the computer division of the Department of Revenue and he decided to spend some of that hard earned money on something he’s always dreamed of owning. In fact, I was going through his box of memoirs the other day and discovered just how long he’s been dreaming of owning a motorcycle when I came across a list of “Letters to Santa” from Keen’s kindergarten class. Keen asked for “…new pajamas a new teddy bear to sleep with, and a new real motorcycle.” Well, Santa (and the bank) finally came through after all these years! When we saw the gray and black motorcycle with flames painted on the side we had to admit it looked like it was made for Keen.

Last Friday before Keen drove his new motorcycle for the first time from Topeka to Manhattan, he called to ask me to “shout out a prayer” for him. (Actually, I “shouted out” several prayers.) But that leads me to another aspect of Keen’s character – his faith in God. Ever since he was a little boy, he has talked about God and prayed to God. He would often say out of the blue, “Mom, don’t forget God and Jesus.”

When he was 3 ½ years old I hurt my back and neck in a minor car accident and he would say, “I pray for your back and shoulders last night.” Then he’d ask, “How is your back feeling today, Mommy? Is it feeling much better?” If I said yes then he would throw his arms around my neck and say, “Good – now I can give you a big bear hug!”

Keen always was and still is such a loving and loveable son. Here are a couple more excerpts from my journal that illustrate my point.

October 26, 1987 (Age 3)
This morning Keener said, “I wuv you, Mom. I really wuv you. You’re the greatest in the whole world. And daddy’s the greatest in the whole world. And God’s the greatest in the whole world.” (He repeated the part about God three times.)

Later he told me, “I’m growing up so big and I’m so tall!” Then he pointed to the ceiling and said, “But I won’t break your wall. I’ll be careful of your wall.”

**********

When Keener gets up in the morning he runs into our room and announces excitedly, “It’s Keener Beaner!” or “Heeeere’s Keener!” Lately he’s been telling Daddy, “I love you a hundred pounds.”

This morning I’m making chocolate chip cookies for a PTO meeting and I gave Keener one of the beaters.

“Thank you,” he said.
“You’re welcome. I like a boy with nice manners.”
“Thank you, Mommy.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Mom, you have nice manners.”

A couple of weeks ago I was zipping his coat before we went to story time at the library and he said, “You’re a real sweety, Mom.”

December 2, 1988 (Age 4)
Keen is so full of love. Every morning when I open the door to my room, he comes bursting in and says, “Mommy, Mommy! I love my Mommy!” Then he gives me a huge bear hug and says, “Good morning, baby!”

Tonight out of the blue he came running over to me and hugged my tummy and said, “Oh, I love my baby.” He said he hopes it’s a “brother baby.”

Keen is in a definite “I love you” stage. It’s only 9:30 in the morning and I’ll bet he’s already said it 10-15 times. Yesterday he came up to me and said, “You’re so nice to me, Eileen.”

Keen has become a song writer of late, too. He has the sweetest little song that he sings in the sweetest little voice. It goes, “I love Mommy, she’s so great. So, so great – so, so great. I love her so much…..Uh-huh. I love her. Why? Because I love her because the baby’s in her tummy.” And on and on it goes.

**********

This morning I was sitting on the couch and he put his face down by my tummy and said, “Good morning baby. I love you. I can’t wait till you’re done. You’re great baby. I’ll be happy with either one, okay? I love you.” It’s so sweet.

When Keener gets ready for preschool sometimes he’ll stand on the porch and wait for the van to pick him up. Then he’ll talk to me through the screen door. Today he said: “I love you. Can you hear me, Mom? I love you so much with my heart.”

**********

Yes, Keen, I hear you loud and clear. You have always been such a great source of joy and love for our family and we thank God for blessing us with you!

I’d like to close this birthday tribute by sharing the words from the Hallmark card I bought for Keen:

Son, there are so many things I want for you – so many wishes in my heart as I watch you grow into your own life…I wish you a world of adventure and experience ~ and also the serenity that comes from listening to your inner voice as the world rushes around you…

I wish you the strength to face challenges with confidence – along with the wisdom to choose your battles carefully…I wish you the satisfaction of seeing your goals achieved and also the true contentment that is born of simple things ~ work well done, friends well-loved, moments caught and cherished.

And my greatest wish is that you will always remember how much you are loved – for you are a good and caring person…a man I am proud to have for a son.”

Happy 20th Birthday, Keen ~ we love you!

Live and Learn

"For by grace given to me I warn every one among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought - not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance; but to rate his ability with sober judgment …” ~ Romans 12:3 (Amplified)

Well it's a strange old game, you learn it slow
One step forward and it's back you go
You're standing on the throttle
You're standing on the brake
In the groove – ‘til you make a mistake
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug…

“The Bug” ~ recorded by Mary Chapin Carpenter

Have you ever had one of those days? Well, I’ve had one of those weeks. Last Tuesday I planned to run several errands in Manhattan, but when I arrived in town, I discovered that I’d forgotten my wallet. I had changed purses that day and unfortunately, my wallet didn’t make the transfer. I did find enough cash in the glove compartment to meet a friend for coffee, however. But then I somehow managed to spill it all over myself. Ugh!

“I’m myself. I can stick my foot in my mouth. I can trip and fall. I can mess up in front of the whole world and be honest. Instead of trying to cover everything up.”
~Jessica Simpson

A few days later I noticed a strange phenomenon in our back yard – brown spots were popping up all over. I eventually realized that I had used the wrong weed spray on our grass. So instead of having a dandelion-free lawn, we now have a polka dotted lawn with dead spots scattered throughout. Lord only knows how many years we’ll have to look at the results of that little oversight.

“People who seem most at home with themselves are not rocked by their faux pas. They are able to move past their flub-ups without absorbing them into their sense of worth.”

~ Patsy Clairmont, Women of Faith

Well, I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it. I think we have to learn not to take ourselves too seriously, because none of us makes it through life without experiencing our own share of personal humiliations and ego busters. It’s always better to be honest and real about our mistakes rather than pretending that we never make any. A friend of mine gave me a copy of a poem titled To a Louse by Robert Burns (1786). It’s about a pretentious woman who walks into church, not knowing that there is a louse in her bonnet!

The English version of the final paragraph reads:

Oh, that God would give us the very smallest of gifts
To be able to see ourselves as others see us
It would save us from many mistakes and foolish thoughts
We would change the way we look and gesture
and how and what we apply our time and attention

The Bible warns that pride comes before a fall, so it would do us well to keep a close watch on that particular area of our lives.

Anyway, my woesome (that’s the opposite of awesome) week also included a not-so-friendly discussion between me and my husband after I was informed that my previous rule about Kirk not talking on the phone after 9:00 p.m. on school nights had not only been altered while I was away in Nevada, it had been eliminated all together!

Yes, as much as I hate to burst my own bubble, I must admit that life at the Umbehr house is not always filled with love letters, laughter, cute kid stories and Bible verses. We are a real family with our share of ups and downs, just like everybody else. But thank God, there are far more “ups” than “downs.”

To top the week off, while I was mowing our lawn on Saturday morning, I got something in my eye that caused me extreme pain every time I blinked. My optometrist, Dr. Janasek (who had just finished mowing his own lawn), graciously agreed to meet me at his office. Lo and behold, he found the tiniest black speck under my eyelid. It turned out to be a weed seed, of all things. How could such a minuscule dot no bigger than the end of a pin cause such extreme discomfort?

But I’m happy to report that my less-than-idyllic week ended on a much more positive note. Saturday night Keen and I enjoyed a special evening on our covered porch, listening to the radio and dancing to our favorite songs in the cool night air. It was simply magical. Then on Sunday morning we both awoke early and decided to take a long walk down our country road. We arrived at the top of a hill just as the sun was rising, so we sat on a stone fence and watched that beautiful orange ball emerge above the Flint Hills – thankful for all the blessings in our lives.

It’s a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin' when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neighborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?

“It’s a Great Day to be Alive” ~ recorded by Travis Tritt

I’ve Learned…...
By Andy Rooney

I’ve learned….that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... that when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned.... that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... that money doesn't buy class or happiness.

I've learned.... that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned.... that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned.... that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... that love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... that no one is perfect… until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... that life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned.... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned.... that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

My Birthday Surprise

(Note: This week when I opened a copy of The Prairie Post I got the surprise of my life. There, in big bold print, was a headline which read: Family Turns Table on Reflections Columnist, Eileen Umbehr, along with a big picture of me! My sister Mary, with the help of my other siblings, decided to write a birthday tribute to me! I was completely caught off guard. As someone who believes that words spoken from the heart are one of life's greatest gifts, I'd like to thank Mary and all my family for my birthday surprise and for all the love expressed in these words. Now the pressure is on to live up to them!)

Dear Reflections Readers,

This article is not written by Eileen Umbehr, but for Eileen Umbehr. She has blessed many of her family and friends with heart warming tributes on their birthdays. We thought she should have a turn.

“As each of you has received a gift (a particular spiritual talent, a gracious divine endowment), employ it for one another as [befits] good trustees of God’s many-sided grace [faithful stewards of the extremely diverse powers and gifts granted to Christians by unmerited favor]."
I Peter 4:10 (Amp)

Eileen is the youngest girl in our family of nine children, and number seven in line. Maybe because she was always small, she had to learn to hold her own. She was an ‘A’ student, and athlete, matched wits with our older brother (no small feat), and for as long as any of us can remember – a writer. She would write to our Grandmother, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. She would write letters, thoughts, prayers, poems. She was – and is – everyone’s cheerleader, literally and figuratively. She organized teams, games, skits and sing-a-longs. She was the “go – to gal”. She would practice her cheers on the lawn for hours. She made the High School squad the year we moved to Singapore. Eileen was so sad. Little did she know that she would meet the love of her life, Keen. Now, she is our cheerleader. Eileen is the best listener, is a passionate supporter of those she loves and causes she believes in. She is the first person we want to call when something happens. She is always there for us. Nothing is too much trouble when someone is in need. She recently volunteered in the women’s prison counseling pregnant inmates. She had nothing but love and acceptance for them – never judgment.

Eileen is a person who just has to give – her time, her talents, her energy. Ninety percent of the time, no one even knows that she did it. She doesn’t want credit. She just wants to bring the love of God to everyone around her. Her son Josh says “Yeah –my Mom can go into a store and come out with a friend – and a good one!”

Eileen’s birthday is July 3rd. Our Mom used to say that she stole the fireworks from the 4th of July. Considering her personality – the saying sure seems to fit. The meaning of her name is ‘Light’ – and that is just what she brings. Eileen is full of laughter, joy and love. She has more life in her than three people put together! She has an uncanny ability to handle many challenging projects at once – and keep all the balls in the air! When she was here in Nevada writing her book, I introduced her as “the ambitious one”. She told me that her dream her whole life was to be a wife and mother. She has achieved that goal beautifully having married the most incredible man I’ve ever met, and raising four amazing gentle men. She now has two daughters and two grandsons to continue the dream.

On a personal note, Eileen came to Nevada when I was expecting twins. Even though I was two weeks over due, the doctor was reluctant to induce me due to implications it may have on him. Because of her strength, my twins were born healthy. My son was born with a knot in his cord, and would have died if he was not delivered at that time. Mind you, Eileen had her four children at home, the youngest a two year old who celebrated his birthday during her stay. Recently, Eileen essentially put her life on hold to help me through the painful process of extricating myself from a twenty-five year abusive marriage. She never tired of what must have been an excruciating process of false hopes, false starts and what Dr. Laura calls ‘stupid forgiveness’. She knew when I needed her and she knew when I didn’t. There is great power in that.

Eileen is truly one in twenty million. There is none quite like her. We feel blessed beyond measure to have her in our lives. I wish you the same. If you ever meet her, you will come away with a new friend – and a good one!

“The measure of love is to love without measure.” ~St. Augustine

Happy Birthday, Sis! We love you!

God Bless ~

Mary

A Risk Worth Taking

“I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing to my God while I have being. May my meditation be pleasing to Him, for I rejoice in the Lord.”

~ Psalms 104:33,34 (RSV)

"The act of writing gives us a chance to reflect in private before exposing our heart."
~ David Lowenherz, author of The 50 Greatest Love Letters of All Time

“But I’m just self-styled from the country
Writing of that which around me I find,
And whatever comes from my heart that day,
Or inspirations that come to my mind.”
~ Excerpt from poem written by Irene Toburen, Waterville

Exactly one year ago this week, The Prairie Post published my first Reflections column on July 3, which just happened to be my 45th birthday. It has been such a gift to be able to share my life with all of you and to express “whatever comes from my heart that day.”

“A writer’s life does not begin when they put pen to paper, but with a heartfelt belief that their life is a story that must somehow find its way to be told.”
~ Laura Ingalls Wilder

That is so true. I love writing and have always felt compelled to record the events of our lives. Keen jokingly refers to me as a “serial archivist.” But if I hadn’t taken the time to document all those happenings, then I never could have written a book of memories for each of our boys, or 800 pages of journal entries about the personal side of our extended legal battle, or 425 pages of my book about our Supreme Court case.

Writing is what know, what I do and what I love.

“A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be.”~ Abraham Maslow

The Nature of the Poet
By Eileen Umbehr

Ever since I was a little girl
I've enjoyed putting words to rhyme
Whenever someone's birthday came ‘round,
I'd kick out a poem in no time.

Poems give me an outlet,
To express my thoughts and feelings,
Just painting a picture with words,
Seems to bring about some sort of healing.

The titles tell our life story -
Our hopes, our fears, our dreams;
In the Still of the Night, Standing Tall,
Roots and Wings and He Who Believes.

Some may laugh and others sneer,
At my apparent notion,
To create a poem or a verse,
that expresses my emotion.

I realize that it’s always a risk,
To let others see inside your soul;
But that’s a chance I’m willing to take,
Though their reactions I cannot control.

Because I have no other choice
What people think, I cannot care
For it's the nature of the poet
To want and need to share.

In Eric Maisel’s book titled Deep Writing, he gives a check list of thirteen requirements for those who desire to write deeply. Number seven on the list is: “I will enjoy the dangers of writing.” He states:

“Why does writing feel so dangerous? Because our ego is on the line each time we commit words to paper. Our self-image is on the line. We are magnificent in criticizing others, but put a few words on the page and everyone gets to criticize us back. Packs of wild dogs get to eat our words and spit them back at us. Am I overstating the case? I don’t think so. Writing feels exactly this dangerous to most people.”

“Making a decision to write was a lot like deciding to jump into a frozen lake.”~ Maya Angelou, poet

Yes, writing is definitely a risk – there’s no question about that. But I’ve decided that it’s a risk worth taking.

Joann A. Dockweiler of Nortonville, Kansas, expressed a similar sentiment in this poem which appeared in the Kansas Plus section of The Topeka Capital-Journal.

Alone
By Joann A. Dockweiler

It’s lonely, being of poetic mind,
when no one seems to care
about your feelings, thoughts and prayer;
when they only shrug and casually say,
“Oh, you won a prize for a poem today,”
and that was all they did say,
not wanting to hear what comes from your soul.

We poets have two worlds that we live in,
the outside and the one within.
Sometimes we are made fun of,
being this way, “odd, different,”
I have heard people say.

I pay no mind, I have my goal,
to be a blessing to my soul,
so when I put pen to paper in this way,
it’s not for glory or for fame,
but to express to others
that I know they feel the same.

*****************

“A writer lives, at best, in a state of astonishment. Beneath any feeling he has of the good or evil of the world lies a deeper one of wonder at it all. To transmit that feeling, he writes.”
~ William Sansom, author

Yet, as much as I enjoy writing, at times it has been a challenge to produce a column each and every week. But the thought of not writing is simply unbearable. Grace Paley once said: “You become a writer because you need to become a writer – nothing else.” I need to write. There’s just something in the way God fashioned me that compels me to share my innermost feelings through any means available and with anyone who will listen.

A Czech poet by the name of Jaroslav Deifert put it this way: “If an ordinary person is silent, it may be a tactical maneuver. If a writer is silent, he is lying.”
I cannot be silent.

In my very first Reflections column, I wrote about the sheer panic I felt after Joann Kahnt agreed to publish my column in The Prairie Post. I wondered what in the world I was thinking because I didn’t have a clue what I would write about from week to week! Now here I am, one year later.
Here’s an excerpt from that first column dated July 3, 2003 – followed by a poem I recently wrote.

“A woman preacher I listen to named Joyce Meyer talks about how we should ‘do it afraid.’ She says that when God tell us to ‘fear not’…He doesn’t mean that we should never feel fear, but rather that we shouldn’t let fear keep us from doing what we want to do. I’m sure David wasn’t fearless when he faced Goliath, but he didn’t let that stop him.

With that in mind, I’d like to embark on this journey despite the fear that I feel inside. I’d also like to thank Joann Kahnt, and you, the readers, for giving me the privilege.”

Unknown reader
By Eileen Umbehr

Unknown reader
Who are you?

You who read my deepest contemplations
All my joys and sorrows
You know me, but I don’t know you.

No matter.

I don’t have to meet you to know
You laugh
You cry
You bleed

Just like me.

Unknown reader.

You are my friend.

Slowing the Pace

“A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body…”

~ Proverbs 14:30

I'm in a hurry to get things done
Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why

“I’m in a Hurry” ~ recorded by Alabama

Time got away from me this week and I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off. With my deadline looming less than twenty-four hours away it seemed appropriate for me to share some thoughts on slowing the pace of our life. I realize that’s not an original theme (as if there’s any such thing), but I also realize it’s something we all seem to struggle with, regardless of our age or occupation.

Case in point. Today I received a letter from a friend of mine who is 82 years old. She wrote in part: “I’m sorry if this must be short – at this time of life I’m inundated, swamped or whatever you want to call it with interests, obligations, invitations, aches and pains – so much to do – so little time!”

The continual challenge for me is trying to decipher the difference between the “good” thing to do and the “right” thing to do. Just because an activity is noble, worthy and/or fun, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the best investment of my time. We only have so many hours in the day and most of us have a limited reservoir of energy, so we have to choose our priorities wisely.

When I was in Nevada, I made my book my priority. Consequently, I nearly completed my rough draft – all 425 pages of it – something I’ve been unable to accomplish in the past six years. Since I’ve been home, however, my priorities have shifted and my book has been placed on the back burner once again. So I’ve decided to wait until the students in my family return to the routine of school before I attempt to complete my book project.

Here’s a great quote along these lines. It comes from Philip Humbert, Ph.D.

“Resolve this week to maximize the quality of your life, rather than the quantity of items on your to-do list! Resolve to enjoy every conversation, and to eliminate at least one unnecessary pressure. Say ‘no’ to a few requests; politely decline a couple of invitations. Smell the roses. Notice the sunrise. Feel the grass under your feet. Slow down! Slow down enough to enrich the quality of your life.”

Many years ago, my father gave me a copy of the following poem that he found amongst my mother’s personal things after she passed away.

Take Time
Author Unknown

Take time to THINK…
It is the source of power
Take time to PLAY…
It is the secret of perpetual youth
Take time to READ….
It is the fountain of wisdom
Take time to PRAY…
It is the greatest power on earth
Take time to LOVE and BE LOVED….
It is a God-given privilege
Take time to be FRIENDLY…
It is the road to happiness
Take time to LAUGH…
It is the music of the soul
Take time to GIVE…
It is too short a day to be selfish
Take time to WORK…
It is the price of success
Take time to DO CHARITY…
It is the key to fulfillment

From the time my husband, Keen, was in the seventh grade until he graduated from high school, he spent every summer working with his cousin Jack on the farm his Uncle Keen and Aunt Helen owned near Alma. The hours were long – sunup to sundown – and the work was hard, but Keen so enjoyed the time he spent on the farm.

Several years ago – on August 26, 1991 to be exact – Keen decided to attempt a writing exercise that included some of those cherished memories. This is the result.

Saturday Freedom
By Keen A. Umbehr

Coming back to the farm is an exhilarating feeling of
Saturday freedom. Hiding away from the masses of humanity
becomes a splendid, mind whirling rush. Exploring the
origins of a spring creek becomes my sole purpose. Hearing
the immense quietness astounds me. Smelling frost on God's
forest fills my nostrils as sweet perfume. My mistress
becomes the natural nature of the wild. Humanity is
absent, the wild is free. Wilderness is evolving at its own pace.

I sing out for the trees to hear and I receive a
glorious applause by the rushing of their leaves. A
pristine stream flows by; streaks of silver flash as
minnows bask in the morning sun. Fall leaves paint the
ground like a legion of artists could not. Birds sing
forth like an orchestra. Sunshine, oh glorious sunshine,
blesses everything in it's path.

I am impressed by the smallness of my concerns. I lay
down by the creek...the sound of riffles gently call me to
rest. I shut my eyes...my thoughts slow...sensations dull.

Sweet peace softly enters in.

***********

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time.”
~ Sir J. Lubbock

***********

Finally, I’d like to share one of my favorite poems. The author is unknown.

Slow Dance
Author unkown

Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You’d better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask "How are you?"
do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time
to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It's like an unopened gift...
Thrown away...

Life's not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

“My desire is to have you free from all anxiety and distressing care.”

~ I Corinthians 7:32

A “before and after” shot taken in 1980 by our former neighbor, Carmen Bloomfield

The Next Generation

“And He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers…..”

Malachi 4:6 (RSV)

I used to love to walk behind my Daddy
As he plowed our garden every spring
My little bare feet in the dirt would make me happy
As he talked about what harvest time would bring

He was sowin' love...for the family
He was sowin' love...he took a little extra time
Looking forward to a bountiful harvest
Like a good father does...he was sowin' love

“Sowin’ Love” ~ recorded by Paul Overstreet

Recently I came across this excerpt from one of my journals that seemed fitting to share this Father’s Day. The date was October 31, 1988.

Sunday afternoon Keen was tired and wanted to take a nap but he said he’d been feeling like Jared needed some special time to be with just him. So after lunch, Josh and Keener went down for naps and Keen & Jared drove out to the land Keen’s folks own. They had such a fun time together. They shot the gun, played hide & seek and even had a dry cow pie fight. What a day! Jared thanked Keen over and over for taking him out.

Then when they got home Keen orchestrated the carving of the pumpkins. We had 2 big ones and 4 little ones. Keen carved a question mark in the littlest pumpkin for the baby on the way. It looked so cute all lit up at the end of the line.

I wanted to record the activities of this weekend partly to remember what a great father Keen has been. He’s so devoted to meeting the needs of every person in the family. I think he’s the greatest. He’s a super Dad and a super husband.

*************************

Our boys were very blessed to have a father who gave them 100% when they were growing up. Even though he was always physically drained after hauling trash, he still took time to wrestle and play with them. On the weekends, he would try to do something special like take them fishing, roller skating, or to the park or a movie. Their all time favorite summertime activity was jumping into the creek from a rope swing.

Now Keen is continuing the tradition by being a wonderful grandfather to the next generation of Umbehr boys – our two grandsons, Asher William and Gabriel Michael. Asher and Gabe spent six days with us last week, along with our daughter-in-law Erin, who was on a break from nursing school. Unfortunately, Jared wasn’t able to join us because he’s currently attending radio communications school at the naval base in Virginia Beach.

When the boys arrived, the first thing they noticed was the 8 x 10 picture of their family hanging on our living room wall. Asher, who is 4 ½, proceeded to identify everyone in the picture. He said, “That’s my Daddy….he’s bald.” When I told Jared about it he said Asher made it sound as if being bald was his latest and greatest accomplishment. “He’s been bald for about two years now; we’re very proud of him.” Later on when Asher saw his dad’s high school graduation picture he said, “That’s my Daddy with hair on!”

Asher and Gabe share many of the same facial features, but that’s where the similarities end. While Asher is somewhat finicky when it comes to eating (he even told me he was “allergic” to several items on a buffet line), Gabe will eat anything you put in front of him. Consequently, Asher is more lean and Gabe looks like a little football player. Their mannerisms are like night and day, too. Asher is docile, easy going and soft spoken –except when you ask him to repeat something (“I said…!”). Gabe, on the other hand, is a little firecracker who only has one gear – full speed ahead! He’s also very curious and knows no fear – which can be a dangerous combination for a twenty-month old who’s going on twenty. I get the feeling that Gabe just wishes everyone would recognize his vast capabilities and let him rule the world!

The two of them together remind me so much of Jared & Josh when they were little – two peas in a pod. Of course they have their squabbles, like all siblings, but most of the time they are very loving and considerate toward each other. One time Gabe was hugging Asher around the neck for so long that I had to ask Erin if it was a hug or a choke hold!

It’s been a long time since we’ve had little ones running around the house and I must admit to feeling a little rusty. It’s a bit of a shock to the system to return to the hectic days of diaper changes, bath time, spilled milk and toys scattered throughout the house. But we had lots of help from the whole family and everyone enjoyed making the most of the time we had with them. On Friday we all piled in the Durango and headed for Gage Park to swim in the pool and ride the carousel.

I honestly don’t know how Erin juggles the demands of school and being both mommy and daddy while Jared is in the Navy, but she’s doing a great job. She’s earning a 3.9 in nursing school and a 4.0 in parenting and raising two happy, well-adjusted little boys.

I’d like to close by sharing this poem my mom sent me when my kids were small.

The Image
Author Unknown

There are little eyes upon you
And they’re watching night and day
There are little ears that quickly
Take in every word you say

There are little hands all eager
To do anything you do
And the little boy who’s dreaming
Of the day he’ll be like you

You’re the little fellow’s idol
You’re the wisest of the wise
In his little mind about you
No suspicions ever rise

He believes in you devoutly
Holds what you say and do
He will say and do in your way
When he’s grown-up like you

There’s a wide-eyed little fellow
Who believes you’re always right
And his ears are always open
And he watches day and night

You are setting an example
Everyday in all you do
For the little boy who’s waiting
To grow up and be like you.

Grandpa Keen with Asher and Gabe

Picture of Contentment

“Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content.”

~ I Timothy 6:6-8 (NKJV)

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera…
what will be, will be

“Que Sera, Sera” ~ performed by Doris Day

A few weeks ago I received the nicest letter from a woman by the name of Rebecca Miller of Council Grove. (Rebecca writes the Wilsey news for The Council Grove Republican.) She wanted to let me know that she had been getting acquainted with me by reading my column in The Prairie Post. “It’s my opinion that you are a talented writer, and I enjoy reading what you write. Keep on writing.”

Her letter was a great source of encouragement to me, but nothing could compare with the joy of meeting Rebecca and visiting with her face to face. Coincidentally, she lives right across the street from The Cottage House where Keen and I went to celebrate our 26th anniversary. Although I only spent an hour with Rebecca, she made a very strong impression on me.

Rebecca Miller was born in November, 1919 at her grandparents’ home southwest of White City, Kansas. She spent the first 50 years of her life on farms around Wilsey, raising cattle, hogs and chickens and tending her garden. The next 30 years she lived in the town of Wilsey. After her house burned down several years ago, Rebecca moved to an apartment in Council Grove. She never complained about the fire, instead, she chose to maintain a positive outlook. “Maybe it turned out for the best for me to move into Council Grove,” she stated.

Rebecca loves her apartment and all her neighbors. “Nobody goes by Mr. or Mrs. here,” she explained. “We all just go by our first names.” I’m sure her neighbors love her, too. She’s known as “The Cookie Lady” because of the cookies and treats she bakes for the other residents and mail carriers. She gave me some of her delicious applesauce cookies when I visited.

In the short time I spent with Rebecca, I learned that she has some very strong opinions. She never married (“I don’t feel sorry for myself one little bit”), and she stated very plainly that she doesn’t want to be called a spinster. “You can call me an old maid, but don’t call me a spinster!” she explained. I told her that I wouldn’t think of calling her either one! Rebecca also dislikes the title “Ms.” She prefers to be addressed by her first name or by Miss Miller. “When I get free address labels that say Ms. Rebecca Miller, I just use my other ones. I have plenty of labels so I don’t need to use them.”

Rebecca has an ailment which prevents her from standing upright. She calls it “the Harmon stoop” since several members of her family were inflicted with it, too. But she doesn’t let it bother her or hold her back. Instead, she talks about how grateful she is that she doesn’t suffer from arthritis and how blessed she is to have perfect eyesight, without the need for glasses. With Rebecca, it seems the glass is always half full.

Rebecca proudly told me all about her sister, Jane Dixon, who also lives in Council Grove and is 17 years her junior. “She’s so good to me,” she said. “She takes me to the grocery store and I just hand her my list. She’s much taller than I ever was so she can reach the items on the shelf. Then she carries them to my apartment for me. All I do is push the cart and write the check.”

When Rebecca was in high school, she wanted to learn how to play the violin in the worst way. But times were tough and her family couldn’t afford to pay $12.50 for a violin. Then one day she overheard a boy at school talking about how he sold his violin to another girl, but she had never paid him. Rebecca asked the boy how much he was selling it for and he told her $5.00. Somehow her family managed to scrape together enough money to buy the violin. “The music teacher wasn’t very happy with me for buying the violin away from the other girl, because she had more musical talent than I did,” Rebecca said. “But she bought another violin later, so everything worked out fine.”

Rebecca remarked that God didn’t give her the talent to sing or play music by ear, but thankfully He gave her the talent to read music and play the violin. “The talents I don’t have make me more understanding of others who can’t do certain things, and the talents I do have make me grateful for the gifts God did give me,” she said.

When I asked Rebecca if she would play a tune for me, she agreed and proceeded to play a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace. She enjoys playing for her church in Wilsey where she taught Sunday school for many years. But I was very surprised to learn that Rebecca is still using the same violin her parents bought for her so many years ago for $5.00. Now that’s a picture of contentment!

Someone once said that joy, like sorrow, is infectious. Spending an hour with Rebecca Miller would brighten anyone’s day.

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

~ An Irish friendship wish

Taking a Stand

“Open your mouth for the …rights of all who are left desolate and defenseless; Open your mouth, judge righteously, and administer justice for the poor and needy.”

~ Proverbs 31:8,9

Now Daddy didn't like trouble, but if it came along
Everyone that knew him knew which side that he'd be on
He never was a hero, or this county's shinin' light
But you could always find him standing up
For what he thought was right

He'd say you've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You've got to be your own man, not a puppet on a string
Never compromise what's right and uphold your family name
You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything

“You’ve got to stand for something” ~ recorded by Aaron Tippin

“To say what you think will certainly damage you in society;
but a free tongue is worth more than a thousand invitations.”

~ Logan Pearsall Smith, writer, c. 1930

Last Monday, May 17th, I was one of the thousands of people who had the privilege of attending the grand opening of the Brown v. Board of Education National Historic Site, commemorating the 50th Anniversary of the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision overturning the “separate but equal” doctrine. Several dignitaries also attended the ceremony, including President George W. Bush.

It was a fitting celebration for the landmark case which clearly established that separate educational facilities were “inherently unequal", thus violating the 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution which guarantees all citizens equal protection under the law.

Later that evening, Keen and I attended the powerful production of “Now Let Me Fly” at the Topeka Performing Arts Center. The play was written by award winning Topeka playwright, Marcia Cebulska and depicted various scenes in locations such as a barbershop, school auditorium, burned down church and a courthouse during the years leading up to the Brown v. Board decision. “They were regular, most of them were working-class people," Cebulska said of people involved in the case. "They stood up for what they believed. They took extraordinary risks. I think that's inspiring for us." (The Topeka-Capital Journal, February 13, 2004)

“Courage means going against majority opinion in the name of truth.”
~ Vaclav Havel, Czech playright, 2000

Ordinary people – just like you and me – changed the way an entire class of people would be treated. They knew in their hearts that they weren’t any different than their white neighbors. They knew in their hearts that it was inherently wrong for their children to be forced to walk clear across town past other schools to attend a dilapidated old schoolhouse. They knew that their facilities were not separate and equal, as the law required, but rather separate and unequal. But most felt powerless to do anything about it. Those few who took the risk and fought for what they believed in made a huge difference – not just for their children, but for black children everywhere.

Barbara Rose Johns from Farmville, Virginia, was one of those courageous teenagers who led a student strike in the fight for integrated schools. “It was something I just had to do,” she explained. Death threats later forced her to leave the state. The following is an excerpt of Barbara’s thoughts taken from the script of Now Let Me Fly.

Every morning I get on a bus thrown away by the white high school on the hill. I sit on a torn seat and look out a broken window. And when my bus passes the shiny new bus that the white high schoolers have, I hide my face 'cause I'm embarrassed in my raggedy bus. And when we get to R. R. Moton High, the bus driver gets off with us, 'cause he's also our history teacher. He comes in the classroom and fires up the stove and I sit in my winter coat waiting for the room to get warm. You know the rooms, the ones in the "addition" as they call it. We call them "the tar paper shacks" because that's what they are, am I right? I'm embarrassed that I go to school in tar paper shacks and when it rains I have to open an umbrella so the leaks from the roof won't make the ink run on my paper. And later in the day I have a hygiene class out in that broken-down bus and a biology class in a corner of the auditorium with one microscope for the whole school. I'm embarrassed that our water fountains are broken and our wash basins are broken and it seems our whole school is broken and crowded and poor…

But my embarrassment is nothing compared to my hunger. I'm not talking about my hunger for food, though it would be right nice to have a cafeteria with lunch instead of just sticky buns like we get. No, I'm hungry for those shiny books they have up at Farmville High. I want the page of the Constitution that is torn out of my social studies book. I want a chance at that "Romeo and Juliet" I've heard about but they tell me I'm not fit to read.

Our teachers say we can fly just as high as anyone else. That's what I want to do. Fly just as high. I said, fly. You know, I've been sitting in my embarrassment and my hunger for so long that I forgot about standing up. So, today, I'm going to ask you to stand with me. Before we fly, before we fly just as high as anyone else, we gotta walk just as proud as anyone else. And that's what we're going to do! We're gonna walk out of this school and over to the court house. Do you hear me? We're gonna walk with our heads high and go talk to the school board. Are you with me? We're gonna walk out in a strike, yes, I said strike, and we won't come back until we get a real school with a gymnasium and library and whole books. And we will get them. And it'll be grand. Are you with me? Are we gonna walk? Are we gonna fly?”

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one else has ever been.”
~ Alan Ashley-Pitt, author

STANDING TALL
By Eileen Umbehr

When right is wrong
and wrong is right
Do you run and hide,
or embark on a fight?

If you run, you avoid
a prolonged struggle
No conflict, no worries
no lawyer bills to juggle.

But change doesn't happen
when your head's in the sand
It takes courage and commitment
to take a stand.

What would have happened
if Rosa Parks had backed down?
Would we all be equal,
black, white & brown?

Sticking your neck out
indeed, has it's price
It is rarely popular
and involves sacrifice.

Your critics will be many
your supporters few
But hold on to your dreams
and one day they'll come true.

“In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew....Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up.”

~ Protestant minister Martin Neimoller reflecting upon Germany’s fall to the Nazis

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is for good men to do nothing " ~ Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

Death’s Sting

“Now also we would not have you ignorant, brethren, about those who fall asleep in death, that you may not grieve for them, as the rest do who have no hope beyond the grave.For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will also bring with Him through Jesus those who have fallen asleep in death.”

~ I Thessalonians 4:13,14

When old folks die
I don’t cry
It’s time

But when the young ones go
It grieves me so

Who can count the cost
Of a young life lost?

The sharpest sorrow
Is for what might have been

Author Unknown

Although I did not know the 29-year-old man who was tragically killed in an auto accident near Alta Vista last week, I do know that he was somebody’s son…. and husband…. and father.

My condolences go out to this young man’s family. It grieves me to think about the depth of their anguish and pain.

I would like to share the following poem which I wrote exactly one year ago in honor of several people from our area who left this world far too soon.

Too soon gone
By Eileen Umbehr

This is a tribute
to those who’ve passed on
Before their time
Too soon gone

No one was ready
To say good-bye
Because they were all
Too young to die

Anthony, Jason and Tracy, too
How will your families live without you?

Javier, Ted, Dickie and Veryl
Why did they have to leave this world?

Jack, Norman, Galen and John
Why are they too soon gone?

There is still a void
where you used to be
An empty spot
on your family’s tree

But even though
you were too soon gone
In our hearts
your memory lives on

You are not only missed
by those who loved you
But by those of us
in the community, too.

**************************

He Listened
By Joseph Bayly

(Written after he laid three of his sons in the grave)

I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God’s dealing, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly; he said things I knew were true. I was unmoved except to wish he’d go away. He finally did.

Another came and sat beside me. He just sat beside me for an hour and more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go.

From Stories of the Heart ~ by Alice Gray


“Now may the Lord of peace Himself grant you His peace… at all times and in all ways – under all circumstances and conditions, whatever comes. The Lord be with you all.”

~ II Thessalonians 3:16

Like Mother, Like Daughter

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her; “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”

~ Proverbs 31:28, 29 (RSV)

One day shy of eight years old
My grandma passed away
I was a broken hearted little boy
Blowing out that birthday cake

And how I cried when the sky let go
With a cold and lonesome rain
Mama smiled said "Don't be sad child
Grandma's watching you today."

Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven
And her tears are pouring down
That's how you know she's watchin'
Wishing she could be here now

And sometimes if you're lonely
Just remember she can see
Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven and
She's watchin' over you and me
“Holes in the floor of Heaven” by Billy Kirsch and Steve Warner

I’d like to dedicate this column to my mother, Margaret (Peggy) Van Kirk, who died from breast cancer fifteen years ago on May 7, and to my sister Peggy, who was named after her. Sadly, Mom passed away one day after Peggy’s 40th birthday.

We all miss her terribly, but as the mother of nine (six girls and three boys), she left us the greatest gift of all…..each other.

Moms – God’s Angels on Earth
Author Unknown

The child asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to survive, being so small and helpless?"

"Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "How am I going to be able to understand people when they talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to You?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

"Your angel will defend you even if it means risking her own life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see You anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to Me, even though I will always be with you."

At that moment there was much peace in heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

The Lord leaned down and whispered softly in the child’s ear. “You will simply call her Mom."

********************

The Anchor
By Eileen Umbehr

The Anchor of our family
sadly passed way
in 1989
on the 7th day of May

She was our dear mother
Peggy was her name
And ever since she left us
We’ve never been the same

She loved all nine of her kids
And she loved all their kids, too
Mom never stopped giving to others
It was all she ever knew
But the cancer took her from us
After seven years of pain
We grieved, but then we knew
She would never hurt again

Now our family has a new Anchor
Her name is Peggy, too
She is our oldest sister
Who loves us through and through

She’s always there when we need her
To lend a helping hand
She’s so much like our mother,
She truly was well named

Even when we were little
She was kind and never mean
And every year on our birthday
She took us to Dairy Queen

Now that we are older
She never misses a chance
To do for us what our mom would have done
No matter the circumstance

When one of our sisters got cancer
Peg was the one to be by her side
And when our very first grandson was born
She came to see him and share in our pride.

Now that her birthday is upon us
I think I can safely say
Everyone in our family
Thanks God for our Anchor this day.

My Mom with Jared – 6 days old & my sister, Peggy with Jared’s firstborn, Asher

Our Soldier

“It is right that I should feel as I do … for you have a very special place in my heart… God knows how much I love you….” ~ Philippians 1:7,8 (NLT)

And I will always do my duty,
no matter what the price,
I've counted up the cost,
I know the sacrifice.

Oh, and I don't want to die for you,
but if dyin’s asked of me,
I'll bear that cross with honor
‘cause freedom don't come free.

I'm an American soldier, an American
Beside my brothers and my sisters, I will proudly take a stand,
When liberty's in jeopardy, I will always do what's right,
I'm out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonight.
I'm an American Soldier…an American.
“American Soldier” performed by Toby Keith

On May 10th, our firstborn son, Jared Joseph, will turn twenty-five years old. Jared has always been the light of our life, and now he is the light of his wife’s life (Erin) – and their two sons (Asher and Gabriel).

Jared graduated from Wabaunsee High School in 1997 and attended Kansas State University for about a year and a half. After concluding that he hated school, and school hated him, his Grandpa Van Kirk suggested that he might want to consider going into the military. Jared was adamantly opposed to the idea, as evidenced by his declaration that he would rather pull his fingernails out one by one than join the armed forces.

But then September 11th happened and everything changed. With Erin’s support, Jared decided to enlist in the United States Navy.

No one was more surprised than we were by Jared’s announcement. I asked him what when through his mind when he made the decision to enlist, and he replied, “When I saw those planes hit the towers and realized our country under attack, I just felt like every generation has their war to fight and this is our generation’s turn.” We were never prouder of our son than we were at that moment.

This is a poem I wrote after Jared had been in the Navy for about a year.

Where’s Daddy, Grandma?
By Eileen Umbehr

The other day I was talking
on the phone
with our three-year-old grandson,
who lives in Ohio

He was telling me about the snow,
and his little brother, Gabe
and about the paper airplane,
his other grandma made

When all of a sudden,
out of the blue
he asked me a question,
so innocent and true

“Where’s Daddy, Grandma?”
he asked me point blank
tears filled my eyes,
and my heart just sank

How do I explain,
that his daddy went away
to fight for our country –
that’s why he couldn’t stay

He’s too young to understand,
that when Daddy saw the towers burn
He said, “Every generation has their war to fight,
and this is our generation’s turn.”

So I just tried to keep it simple,
but his little voice sounded so sad
“He had to go back to the Navy?
I’m gonna miss my Dad.”

Yes, those who serve our country,
aren’t the only ones who sacrifice;
it’s their spouses and their children,
who also pay a heavy price

But we are proud of our son,
and his wife and children, too
Because the price they pay for freedom,
they pay for me and you.

**********************************

Jared is an E-5 in Special Forces; specifically, he is a Special Warfare Combatant Craft Crewman (SWCCC). Their duties involve the insertion and extraction of Navy Seals. At his graduation ceremony in Coronado, California last June, Jared was selected as “honor man” and received special recognition for his academic and physical achievement, positive attitude and determination during the rigorous training.

Jared’s task unit is officially deployable now, having just completed the final phase of their training. For obvious reasons, we are hoping that he doesn’t see active combat; however, he is hoping that he does. He said it might be hard for us to understand, but after spending three years of his life training, he wants the opportunity to put what he learned to use. “I didn’t join the Navy to sit behind a desk,” he said. “I really didn’t.” So we have to put Jared in God’s hands and pray that he and all the other American soldiers will be protected from harm.

The journals I kept when Jared was a young boy repeatedly make reference to what a tenderhearted child he was. I remember when Josh came along everyone warned us that Jared might become jealous. But that was never the case. Even though Jared was only 2 years old, he was always very nurturing with Josh. He would hold him in the rocking chair and say, “Ahhhh, baby Josh.” One time I was carrying Josh while he was crying and Jared tried to cheer him up by dancing around and acting silly. “Is he happy now, Mom?” he asked.

One night when he was three years old Keen and I were sitting and talking and Jared just looked over at us and said, “I want to give you a kiss and a hug, kids.” When we told him he was special he said, “You’re special, too, mommy and daddy.” He used to love wrestling with his Dad. He’d say, “Hey Dad – you wanna razzle dazzle me?”

When Jared was about six years old he said, “It’ll be kind of sad when I grow up and become a father and you’ll have to let me go. But you’ll still have Josh cuz he has a ways to go yet before he grows up.”

Here’s an excerpt from when Jared was 8 years old. He had just spent his own money to buy me a “gold” quartz watch ring for my 29th birthday. I was so touched, I just cried and cried.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d like it or not, Mom. But you really like it a lot, I can see. I thought about getting this necklace with colored beads but then I didn’t think that would be too neat. Then I was gonna buy you this thing you put in your hair that looks like a knife is going through your head. I thought that would be kind of unusual. But then I decided you’d like the ring best. You know, it looked like something a woman would like to wear – so delicate – and when another woman saw it she’d wish she had one.”

August 11, 1989 (age 10)

Today Jared came up to me and said, “Wait. I want to see how tall I am up to you. Look, I’m up to your neck.” When I told him that he was going to pass me up pretty soon, he said, “Yeah. Then you’ll have to look up to me and see how I felt when I was a little kid.”

I’ve always looked up to you, Jared…
and I always will.

P.S. This is something I wrote for Jared & Josh in 1997

To Jared & Josh on their 18th & 16th Birthdays



In this picture, you were one and three
Two peas in a pod, so full of glee.

Now you're young men and fully grown
Where have the years gone? My, how they've flown.

Your father and I love you, more than words can say
And we wish you all life's best, on your special birthdays.

Love,

Mom & Dad

Jared Joseph Umbehr
Born May 10, 1979

Our Entrepreneur

“And whatsoever ye do, do [it] heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward…..” ~ Colossians 3:23,24

“Doing your own thing is a generous act. Being gifted creates obligations, which means you owe the world your best effort at the work you love. You too are a natural resource.”

~ Barbara Sher (1795 - 1881) Scottish essayist, historian

Ever since our son Josh was a little boy, he’s been talking about what he wanted to be when he grew up – everything from jumping out of airplanes to being in the circus. “I’ll have a buddy who will tie me up and see if I can get out,” he’d say.

One day when he was about four or five years old, he decided he wanted to try to earn money as a bed maker. “If you want to, you have to sign up with me and pay me,” he explained. I guess he figured that would be a service everyone could use. He even knocked on a few doors around our neighborhood, but when he didn’t have any takers, he was so dejected he laid his head on his daddy’s chest for the longest time. When his older brother Jared walked in the room and proceeded to tell his dad what happened, Josh blurted out, “I know Jared! Don’t make me thadder!”

Another time he told me he was going to have a stand that sold things for Halloween. Then when Halloween was over, he would sell Christmas things, and in the summer he would change it into a fruit stand.

One day Josh asked whether you get paid money for being a dad. I said, “No, you become a dad when you have children and you work at a job to earn money.” Then I asked him if he was going to have kids when he grew up (despite the fact that he wouldn’t get paid for it).

“Yep,” he answered. “Two. Cindy and Lucy. Cindy will be the girl and Lucy will be a boy.”

Here are a few other examples from a journal I kept when Josh was growing up.

“I can’t wait until I’m in high school so I can take daddy’s place in the trash truck. But he’ll have to teach me how to drive it and tell me what all the parts are so when one breaks apart I’ll know which one to buy to fix it. He’ll have to teach me how to use everything in the shop, too. But I don’t have to go to college to learn how to be a trash man – Dad can just teach me how.”

*******

“Mom, you know what I’m gonna be when I grow up? A showfolk.”

*******

“I might go to the Air Force with Jared or whatever job he goes to I might go with him. I’d move into a huge house right next to him so we’d be neighbors. I’d move when he moves. I’ll know when he’s moving when I see a For Sale sign in the yard.”

*******

“I want to be an artist and be rich and I’ll give you guys some money. Maybe one or two bucks, if I make that much. I’ll ride around on my motorcycle selling my pictures. But I won’t just sell pictures; I’ll sell crayons, markers, paints, paint brushes and paper.”

*******

“There are so many jobs I just don’t know which one to choose.” I told him he just had to be a kid now and he won’t have to decide for a long time.

Well, a long time has passed and Josh isn’t a kid any more – on April 15, he’ll celebrate his 23rd birthday. After weighing all the possibilities, Josh finally settled on becoming a doctor. Here’s an excerpt from a letter he wrote describing his first few weeks at medical school:

In the morning, a faculty person and an M2 (second year medical student) both talked about the reason why we are here. Not the grades or the glory, but for the patients – the patients at the KU hospital now and the patients we will see ourselves in the future. They said that although the grades are important, the real reason we are here is to know, understand, and be able to remember and use the information we learn to provide the best treatment that we can— and that the patients are the greatest teachers that we have. Our professors can teach us about the science of medicine, but only the patients can really teach us the ‘art’ of medicine.
They really seem to have a lot of respect for the patients and the whole healthcare team. They talked a lot about being respectful of the entire healthcare staff like nurses and physical therapists, and pharmacists and CNA's. One student said: “Respect those nurses because they WILL know stuff that you won’t because they have different training than you do, and rely on them because they are well-trained professionals.” I was really glad to hear that they focus so much on respecting nurses, especially since Lisa will be a nurse soon. I know she was happy to hear this when I told her about my day.

It was great having you, dad, and Kirk over the other night – Lisa and I loved it. Maybe we can do it again and take you guys out around KC.

Love,

Josh

Before I conclude this birthday tribute to Josh, I have to write about what a loving son he has always been. One night when he was almost five years old, I attended a Christmas Cantata at a church in Alma. When I came home, all the boys were asleep with the exception of Josh. He said, “Me and Jared missed you, Mom.” Then he started whispering, “Jared, Jared.” When I asked him what he was doing he said, “I want to tell Jared you’re home.” Keen said I had only been gone a few minutes when they were both asking, “Where’s Mommy? When will Mommy be home?”

Some of his other memorable remarks were:
“Mom, you know how much I love you? One hundred per cent!”
“Mom, you’re the best mom I ever had”
“I love you with all my love.”

One day he was heading off to kindergarten and as he walked out the door he turned around to blow me a kiss. So I kissed him and said, “Josh, you are the sweetest, kindest, most loveable boy in the whole world.” He replied, “I’m just filled with love!”

I’d like to close with a poem Josh wrote for Keen and me when he was a 17-year-old high school senior, living on his own in Manhattan.

I can't pay you for the things you do
All the milk and cleaning too

When I'm at my worst
You're always there to hug me tight
Then share with me your wisdom
And lead me back to your light

I know it wasn't easy for you to let me go
My how God blessed us so
He's given us the courage to try something new
And through it all, HIS strength has shown through

To be loved by you is such a wonderful thing
You'll never know, how much joy, to me, it brings
I wish DAD the best of luck in Law School
And pray MOM'S book will be a best seller

But no matter what you'll always be the best parents in the whole wide world.

The end

LOVE,

JOSH

On your birthday, Josh, we thank God for blessing us with the wonder of you. It’s been our privilege to watch you grow from a young boy into such a fine man and loving husband. We know that those whose lives you touch will be equally blessed by your special gifts.

“Therefore we also pray always for you that our God would count you worthy of this calling …that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

~ II Thessalonians 1:11, 12 (NKJV)

With all our love,

Mom & Dad

P.S. This is something I wrote last year for Josh’s 22nd birthday

Just Yesterday

Our second-born son just turned twenty-two
Could that be possible? Could that be true?

Didn’t he just learn how to walk?
Didn’t he just learn how to talk?
Wasn’t he just in his pre-school play?

Wasn’t that just yesterday?

Didn’t he just lose his front tooth?
Didn’t he just make friends with Travis Guth?
Didn’t he just celebrate his 8th birthday?

Wasn’t that just yesterday?

Didn’t he just learn how to ride a bike?
Didn’t his dad and brothers just build their own kite?
Didn’t he just get his license last May?

Wasn’t that just yesterday?

Now he’s graduating from college and off to med school
And in July he’ll marry his precious jewel

Didn’t we just bring him home from the hospital that day?

Wasn’t that just yesterday?

Joshua Jim Umbehr
Born April 15, 1981

Miraculous Provision

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

~ Matthew 6:25-27

The other night I was watching “It’s a Miracle” on PAX TV – a half hour program hosted by Roma Downey – and they shared the story about a woman who had been recently divorced and was struggling to make ends meet. One Thanksgiving morning she awoke feeling desperate and afraid because she only had two hot dogs left to feed herself and her two little boys. But she wanted to try to make the day as special as possible, so they all went to the park and had a cookout. On their way home, the boys were complaining that they were still hungry. Then, just as they were climbing the stairs to their apartment, a kind little old lady emerged from the apartment below. “Sweetie,” the woman said, “I’ve prepared a Thanksgiving meal and I’d like to invite you and your boys to join me.” The young family was overjoyed by the invitation. Once they entered the apartment, they couldn’t believe their eyes. The table was beautifully set with a complete Thanksgiving feast. They enjoyed the turkey with all the trimmings, and the woman even sent them home with enough leftovers to last for a week.

The true magnitude of the miracle wasn’t realized until a few days later when the young mother went to the woman’s apartment to return her leftover dishes. When nobody answered the door, she peeked in the window and was astonished to see that the apartment was completely empty. She went straight to the landlord’s apartment to inquire about the woman in the downstairs apartment. The landlord seemed bewildered as he explained that the apartment had been vacant for over two months.

“In all my 57 years,” the woman explained, “that hour and a half of unconditional love changed my life more than any other single event.”

As a result of her experience, the woman decided to devote her life to working with the homeless and went on to win a presidential award for her work.

**********

There is a similar story of miraculous provision in one of my favorite books, Where Angels Walk by Joan Wester Anderson. In September of 1944, Kenneth Ware and his wife Suzie were living in Switzerland with their son when they found themselves penniless. So Suzie decided to pray very specifically. She told God that she needed “…five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of pastry flour, apples, pears, a cauliflower, carrots, veal cutlets for Saturday, and beef for Sunday.”

Just a few hours later Suzie heard a knock on their door. When she answered it, she saw a man standing in the doorway carrying a basket of groceries. He was between thirty and forty years old, “…over six feet tall and strong looking, with blue eyes, white-blond hair, and a long blue apron over his work clothes.” He seemed radiant and glowing.

“Mrs. Ware,” the gentleman announced, “I’m bringing you what you asked for.”

“There must be some mistake,” Suzie replied. “I have not ordered anything.” She thought perhaps he had come to the wrong apartment.

The man ignored her question and repeated his former statement. “I am bringing what you asked for.” Then he walked back to the kitchen and emptied the basket. There on the table were the exact items Suzie had requested from God that very morning. She was in utter shock.

“I turned to apologize, to explain that I hadn’t a coin to give him, but his look of reproach sealed my lips.”

**********

Throughout our lifetime, Keen and I have seen God miraculously provide for our needs time and time again. Back in 1979, when Keen was working for the Wabaunsee County Weed Department and his take home pay was only $688.00/month, it wasn’t easy to make the money stretch. Just a few days before I was due to deliver our firstborn child, I was crying at the kitchen table, wondering how we were going to make it. It was only the 7th day of the month and after paying all of our bills, we were already out of money. So Keen told me to repeat this one Bible verse over and over. “My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory.” (Philippians 4:19) It wasn’t easy, but I did it.

This time God chose my mother to be His angel on earth. When Mom arrived to help care for Jared, she noticed the bare cupboards and graciously filled them.
Here’s a poem I wrote to thank Mom for everything she did for us that week.

The day you left, Keen and I prayed,
and asked the Lord to show us a way
That we could show you how we appreciate
All you did for us during your stay.

You gave me security in my newfound role,
You built my confidence day by day.
Just knowing you were in the next room, Mom
Made all my fears go away.

You cooked all our meals and washed all our clothes,
You did dishes from morning till night;
You showed me how to give Jared a bath,
So now I’m doing it right.

You bought us many groceries, which we surely did need,
And with them you kept us well fed;
And on those mornings when I needed my rest,
You even brought me breakfast in bed!

You helped me burp Jared, when my arms grew so weary,
And you cleaned him up when he messed;
You stayed up with me for those late night feedings,
Mom, you were just the best!

You bought us all those things at K-Mart that day,
And you even cleaned our house.
I couldn’t have done it without you, Mom
For I was as weak as a mouse.

We can’t fail to mention all the joy that you brought us,
Just by your company;
One night we watched a Snoopy special,
And the next night we played Monopoly.

You “oohed and ahhed” over Jared all day,
Just like a grandma should do;
You made us so proud of our little son,
That we even chimed in, too.

You took us to dinner for chicken that night,
What a treat for both Keen and me;
It was just such fun having you, Mom,
You were a part of our family.

Although you did many other things,
I think we will close it here,
By saying we love you and thank you, Mom,
To our hearts you will always be dear.

In the Old Testament there is a story about a widow woman who was down to her last little bit of oil and flour. She entreated the prophet Elisha to help her, lest her sons be sold into slavery to satisfy her debts. Elisha instructed the woman to borrow as many vessels as she could from all her neighbors and start filling them with oil. Miraculously, the oil multiplied until all the vases were full.

“Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, Go, sell the oil, and pay your debt, and you and your sons live on the rest.” ~ II Kings 4:1-7

That reminds me of the New Testament story about Jesus multiplying the loaves and the fishes to feed the multitudes. Sometime later, the disciples once again became worried about how they were going to feed the crowds. Jesus said:

“Do you not remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many small hand baskets you gathered? Nor the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many large provision baskets you took up?”

~ Matthew 16:8-10

In closing, I’d like to share a story which talks about the way God supernaturally provided for Moses and the Israelites in the desert.

"I have led you forty years in the wilderness; your clothes have not worn out upon you, and your sandals have not worn off your feet.... that you might recognize and know [your dependence on Him who is saying], I am the Lord your God."

~ Deuteronomy 29:5, 6b

After escaping from slavery in Egypt, Moses and the Israelites journeyed in the desert for forty years. According to the Quartermaster General in the Army, Moses would have needed 1500 tons of food and 11,000,000 gallons of water each day to provide for the needs of 2 -3 million people. God alone provided their needs by sending manna from Heaven and water from the flinty rock. Then they had to cross the Red Sea, which required a pretty major miracle right there. Moses couldn’t possibly have thought all this out before he left Egypt. He simply obeyed God’s command and told Pharaoh to let his people go; then he trusted God with all the details.

If God provided for all their needs forty years in the wilderness, then He is more than able to take care of all of our needs, too.

“…He Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless, nor forsake you nor let you down, relax My hold on you. Assuredly not!”

~ Hebrews 13:5 (Amplified)